I had this revelation today. The roadway protocol for emergency vehicles is broken.
I was on my way to the post office and approaching a red light when an ambulance approached with it’s lights on. The red light was a modestly busy intersection, so there was some hemming and hawing of the vehicular nature which resulted in 2 things:
#1: The ambulance took a REALLY long time getting through the intersection. If I had been the one calling 911 and my face was on fire or my elbow had fallen off, I would have been PISSED.
#2: This hold-up made me miss the red light, thus relegating me to sit through another round of traffic signals, which is obviously the main problem here. (I’m kidding………OR AM I?)
To be clear, I don’t blame the ambulance. I realize that the standard emergency worker procedure is to try to avoid creating new emergencies while on the way to aid in other ones. But in doing so, the ambulances are hamstrung by their having to tippy-toe through traffic. They have to go really slow because the rest of us cattle don’t know what to do, so we freeze like old people on a Kiss Cam or fat kids when the ice cream truck jingle is audible
Are you shaking your head in agreement? You should be. Are you wondering if I have a solution? OF COURSE I HAVE A SOLUTION.
The basic issue is lack of clarity. There is no standard uniform principle of action. Do I stop? Do I swerve? Do I salute? Ambulances have to creep around vehicles because they don’t want to be liable for accidents.
The solution? Make them invincible. Make them out of the indestructible material of airplane black boxes and Angelina Jolie’s lips and let them run wild like the bulls of Pamplona.
Think of it like Mario Brothers. When Mario is normal or even fireball spitting, he can be mortally harmed by his arcadial antagonists. This would be the average ambulance.
But when Mario finds an invincibility star? HOLY CRAP! Bowser and the Koopas flee and Mario bounces through like an Italian plumber should. This would be the Black Box / Angelina Jolie’s Lips Ambulance.
When the lights go on, INVINCIBILITY. Move your vehicle or get discarded like semi-digested food from a bulimic.
When the lights go off, just another ship in the proverbial ocean.
Door ding me and I will kick you in the Adam’s apple.
Door ding me because someone’s sternum got dislocated? MY BAD.
Am I saying this will cut down on accidents? No. But that’s why you have insurance. And think of the excitement of hearing an ambulance and watching civilian cars scatter like hetero dudes after a Twilight movie ends.