So here’s the thing.

I think it’s FANTASTIC that Jared has lost a million pounds. Really. That’s awesome. Any time someone can drastically change themselves for the better, I think they deserve a FIRM HANDSHAKE and an “Attaboy” from all close friends and family. 

And you know what else? I don’t begrudge his monetizing of this achievement because like my dad says, “you make hay while the sun shines.” Jared has been making a lot of hay for a long time and good for him.
But you know what my dad also says?: “Pigs gets fed, hogs get slaughtered.” I didn’t really know what this meant so I won’t necessarily expect you to either, but to paraphrase, “Don’t be such a greedy little piggy, Jared.”

What did it for me was a commercial I heard on the radio. Something about Jared running 500+ miles in training for a marathon. It didn’t say it in so many words, but the gist of the ad was, ” Isn’t Jared awesome? He used to be a REALLY fat guy and now he’s training for a marathon!!”  OK ENOUGH.
It’s like I’m supposed to have some kind of reaction to the fact that Jared’s running a marathon now? I’ve got nothing else to give you, Jared. You’ve squeezed out the last drop of former-fat-guy sympathy. I’ve got NOTHING left. And do you know why?

It’s his job to eat sandwiches and not get fat and run marathons. This doesn’t make me like him. This makes me uncompromisingly jealous of him. I’m training for a half-marathon and you know how many radio commercial people lavish praise on me for running up and down my local roads like a crippled plowhorse? ZERO.

You know, I would LOVE for my day job to involve being the face (and body) of a sandwich chain. It would be nice to film commercials where I hold pants that could fit a Tyrannosaurus Rex as a contextual aid for how much weight I lost while eating the sandwich chain’s food and it would also be nice to rub elbows with famous actors and athletes in these commercials. I like everything I just wrote.

BUT WE DON’T ALL GET TO DO THAT. And thus, I can’t muster up any additional excitement for you, Fogle. You’ve been at this for 10 years now. Maybe it’s time to take a different angle. Maybe host an Animal Planet show? Go on Survivor?
 
Do you remember the “Dude, you’re getting a Dell” guy? I went to high school with him. Nobody liked him because he always did weird magic shows during study periods, but we all were somewhat happy for him when his commercials started running. 
They went for a while until Dell had the good sense to move on because no one likes seeing the same person haranguing them about a certain product for an extended period of time (I’m looking at you weird Progressive Lady). Like the wise old sage Solomon said, “To everything there is a season…” 
I just think it would be in the best interest of all parties if we all just took a little time to really focus on different things. I don’t begrudge the guy anything, but seriously, enough is enough. 
This is like ten years of hearing Uncle Rico talk about how if he had a time machine he could go back and win state…and throw a football over that there mountain. After a while, it just seems wise to mix things up a bit.

How do you feel about Jared?

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