Zack and Slater: A Friendship of Fraud
Friends? Enemies? Frenemies? Sea Anemones? I know, right? It's so confusing. Let's get to the bottom of their relationship...
A Comparative Analysis: LOST and Harry Potter
The movie of our generation meets the tv show of our generation. What similarities do they have? And yes, I know Hurley and Hagrid look alike, BUT THERE'S MORE!
Things That Piss Me Off: Acne Medication Commercials
I'm happy there's medication out there to help people with their skin problems. But that doesn't mean you have to force your graphic before and after pictures on me. Bad form.
The 4 Types of People You Meet in A Public Restroom
Public restrooms are dreadful and horrifying places where unspeakable actions and behaviors occur. Let's meet the people who will do these awful things...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
This should need no introduction, but I'm giving you one anyway. Mr. Tyler Tarver and myself receive letters upon letters from readers asking various questions and soliciting our advice.
Knox: I feel you. In this huge world, you need a gimmick to set yourself apart. My solution? Go Captain Hook. The guy wore a giant wig and effeminate stockings but yet was largely feared and highly regarded. Most people are gravitating to the robot hands or various prosthetic limbs. Go old school, young man. Essentially, that's what most gimmicks are: shrewd glimpses at trends from another time. It's time for a Captain Hook in Albuquerque.
Tyler: It sounds like you've already got your thing and you just don't know it. I taught Geometry for a few years and it's very rare to come across an "anglo" that can speak for itself. I taught your language to under-intelligent children for years, and I just know it would've been better coming from the angle itself. My best guess is that from your accent you're a bit obtuse, am I right? It shouldn't be difficult finding another straight angle that correlates with your measurement of 5'8", because I'm I'm assuming you're also acute angle.
Tyler: Truly spoken Professor Knox, and while you're at it, just make like a less impressive Human Torch and "spray on". Use one hand to spray on your newly found inner thigh fixer deoderant, the other to spray on your hairspray, the other hand to spray on your cologne (for the gym), and your last hand to put on your body spray (you are Goro, correct?). Hopefully, you should be walking out of there with an aura of delectability similar to PigPen.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Would you like to know something interesting?
I don't know where you hail from, but my little neck of the woods is the panhandling capital of the world. Maybe you dispute that notion or maybe you don't, but the important thing is that you understand the differing pan-handling elements fulfilling this world-renowned label.
1- Meth Heads
These people will approach you an ambush you with a story so dire and sad that you doubt your own humanity if you even think to question them.
Are they covered in open wounds? Do they seem distracted and/or fidgety? Did they jump over a car and sprint across a busy intersection to converse with you? If you said yes to any of those, you're probably talking to a meth addict.
One time in high school, my then-girlfriend-now-wife and I had been on a date when we passed through a gas station. A gentlemen approached me and spun me a tale about how he was put-upon and downtrodden using things like: the military, cancer, starving puppies. I gave him some cash and wished him well.
Two weeks later, my then-girlfriend-now-wife were on another courtship outing when we stopped at the same gas station where I was approached by the same guy who TOLD ME THE SAME STORY. When I confronted him about this reality, I expected a Dr. Phil moment where I would exhibit tough love, but ultimately resurrect this chap's life purpose. Instead he stared back at me as if to say, "Soooooooooo I guess I'm not getting money from you tonight?"...
2 - Vagrant / Drifters / Wandering Souls -
These are the plow horses of the trade. They can be found at every major interstate exit and their signs explaining their plight work to shame the latte out of your hand.
Silently, we may question them, doubt them or put ourselves in their situation, but we ALWAYS feel uncomfortable because one of two reasons: Either they (1.) represent the worst of humanity if they are scamming people because they are preying on people's generosity. Or (2) they represent a sobering reality that, but by the grace of God, we could end up in a situation that has spiraled so out of control that we are forced to rely on the goodness of motorists at an intersection.
3 - Bucketheads
These fine people are the entire reason for this post.
Usually, you'll find these people at less trafficked intersections. Essentially, their tactic is to approach your window with a bucket and stand expectantly while you give them money. This always REALLY bothers me. Why?
Because with most other situations, there is some kind of exchange taking place. When I give to a guy holding a sign by the interstate, he receives money and I received a charitable feeling. I feel better about myself because I've shared loose change that amounted to $1.26. I didn't say it made sense. I'm just saying it's a mutual transaction.
Even when I buy from school groups selling donuts for $36 box a dozen, I still feel ok with it because at least something was exchanged. So maybe the rate was an exorbitant $3 a donut (MATH!). I still feel ok because I gave to a good cause and now I have a donut in exchange. In the business world, this is what tycoons like to call a classic win/win scenario.
But bucketheads bring an entirely different experience to the table. Superficially, there is no subconscious warm and fuzzy feeling to be had because their appearance is always moderately well-to-do. Their SUV can be seen sitting idly by in a vacant parking lot and even their buckets are nice as they are colorfully and delightfully designed to explain the purpose of their solicitation (church groups, all-star groups, Shriners, etc). And this bugs me.
For me, if you're going to ask me for something, for money, whatever, at least have the decency to sell me on it. Give me an angle so I can rationalize with myself for dropping some of my money into a bucket. Play the air guitar, break-dance, spin one of those signs around in the air like you are an ad-ninja. Dress up like a big Cup O' Soup and dance to "Soup, There It Is". I DON'T CARE. JUST DON'T STARE AT ME LIKE I OWE YOU SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU ARE HOLDING A BUCKET.
Look I'm all for hustling. Go hit it and work hard and I'll support you. I love helping people who help themselves.
And saying all this makes me realize something about myself: I'm very conditional and transactional. Do for me and I'll do for you. Everything has a value on it and to secure it, you have to offer me something similarly valuable. Not exactly Christ-like is it?
Especially, when I invert that formula. I have all these expectations for others, but yet I hope just as much for unmerited grace and assistance. Knowing this makes me want to be less about what I'm owed and more about what I can do.
But to be clear, this does not extend to bucketheads. There are lines, ya know.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
You spent time at seminary before they expelled you for being TOO smart. Billy Graham can't look you in the eye and your Christian scout badges are so vast and numerous that a tat of ichthys on your upper chest is simply there to show the scope of your transcendent God-awesomeness. But please. You're scaring the children. And the visitors. And the old people. And me.
From a youth group game I supervised:
But what USUALLY happens is that they get pegged in the stomach their cache of dodgeballs explodes like Mt. Vesuvius or Kevin Federline's waistline. ZING!