I write about a variety of topics on my blog, but issues revolving around relationships aren’t really among them. I’ve been with my wife since we were both 16 so when it comes to love, I’m like Quint from Jaws; a grizzled veteran of relationships and seasoned hunter of harmony. So needless to say, I’m a little out of the loop on certain issues. For instance, PDA…

See, PDA isn’t PDA anymore. It has evolved. It’s like in Jurassic Park when the scientists discovered that the raptors were opening doors. A raptor is a raptor is a raptor, right? Dangerous hunters, but limited in terms of opposable thumbs and the cognitive capacity to enter/exit man-made structures. But then they discovered that raptors could open doors and every body flipped the FLAP out. Why? Because they all just got EVOLUTIONED by those Raptors. And then eaten. But evolutioned first.

So understanding that analogy we can accept that PDA has evolved. PDA isn’t just about tolerating that frisky couple making out two rows in front of you during Hotel Rwanda or the middle-aged couple executing a few not-so-subtle tush grabs at the mid-town mall. No, dear Reader, PDA has prayed the prayer of Jabez and expanded it’s territory. It’s PDA 2.0 or in raptor terms, PDA is turning door handles now, you guys.

In the form of Social Media PDA.

Yes, it’s the evolutionary consequence of our tolerance towards people aggressively affectioning each other. WE DID THIS.

With the proliferation of social media sites, we are massively interconnected. I know people know that previously I never would have. More to the point, for people I do know, I have access to their life more consistently than I ever would have. Socially, this is an extremely impressive development for being such a new technology. Think about it. Here I am in Tennessee and I can be aware of your consumption of banana pancakes in Anytown, USA. Why those smug brain wizards at the Ivy League schools chose this reality instead of hover boards, I’ll never know. But this is the world we are saddled with. A non-hover boarding world.

It’s mostly a good thing. The informational world is now our oyster and I get to (virtually) meet cool people like Sharideth Smith and Scott Moore. But the downside is that I also have to wade through some pretty righteous digital molestation.

You all know it. You’ve all seen it. Some of you may even be guilty of it. Special occasions are fine. Anniversaries, birthdays, and the what-have-yous. These are all perfectly acceptable reasons to gush over your significant other and make all kinds of awkward inside jokes and not-so-subtle innuendo. But the every day stuff? The for-no-real-reason stuff? IT MUST END.

I’m all for the preservation and celebration of love. I write a weekly 4,000+ word breakdown of The Bachelor, ok? I think I qualify as a defender of love. But celebrate and preserve your love with your significant other and not on Facebook with 400 other friends.

If you really need to explicitly express your love, that’s what phones are for. Text or call your beloved. Are you SO ingrained in the social media world that you prefer to communicate in those terms? No problem, bro. Just utilize the private message. Heavy emphasis on private.

Tell me you haven’t seen a variation of the following:

+ On a wife’s page from a husband: “I can’t wait to see you and hold you. I’ve missed you so much. I need you so bad.” GET A CHATROOM.

+ Or “Hey baby. I can’t believe I found you. Seeing you still takes my breath away.” So much so that you’d rather post that on an informal website? I bet they’d like it more if you called them and said it. I know I would. I know we all would.

+ Or this on a husband’s page from a wife: “Hurry home. I’ve got a special surprise for you :) :):).”

Awesome. Now I have to battle the mental image of that “special surprise” and SPOILER ALERT it’s not a McRib and a redbox rental of Taken. Oh that’s presumptous you say? Listen, the three smiley faces said it all. One, I could have looked the other way. Three and you might as well sell t-shirts for it.

So what about you? What’s the most egregious instance of PDA you’ve encountered, online or otherwise?