Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Things That Piss Me Off: #32 - Acne Medication Commercials

There's nothing worse than sitting down with a snack in front of the TV and as you endure the commercials, a promo for some kind of Acne medication comes on. One minute, you've got this nice looking and amiable spokesperson talking to you with a clear face and the next minute, it's that same spokesperson but only this time their face looks like it was half-digested by a troll. AWESOME.

Ok I get it. You have a product that is TRANSFORMATIONAL. You are gift-givers of happiness and confidence to the modern human who is afflicted with bad skin. You're like the Tony Robbins of skin care but without that weird octave in his voice that makes him sound like Lou Ferrigno or Andre the Giant. And I applaud you for the work you do, various Acne medication companies. I stand on my metaphorical desk and shout from the rooftops Oh Acne Cream, My Acne Cream" in respect for you.

But listen: STOP showing me the before pictures. If I wanted to be horrified, I would watch old people makeout. BUT I DON'T.

And before you explain, I know the method to your madness. You want to contextualize your product. "Holy crap. That person's face looked like the guy from Beastly if he swam in a pool of grease and pizza ingredients. But now after taking the acne medication, it looks like the soft and milky smooth skin of Michael Cera." I get your angle, fella. I really do.

But HEY here's a question: Do you remember that time Pepto Bismol did that commercial when they showed a toilet with a bowel movement before their product and then one after? You don't? OH RIGHT. That's because they wouldn't do such a thing because it's a MAJOR party foul. So why do YOU feel the need to indulge my gag reflex?

I was blessed with the good fortune of having no acne-related issues in my youth. Did I suffer from social awkwardness with a dash of obsessive compulsion? IT'S POSSIBLE. But skin has never been a big issue with me.

That being said, I understand how something like acne could be such a major issue for someone. But here's the thing: if your product works, they will find you. You don't have to show me a picture of a guy who with a leprosy outbreak on his face. JUST TELL ME. I'm a creature of reason and discernment.

Girl Scouts don't really promo their sales, but I sniff those things out like the Hound of the Baskervilles. Why? BECAUSE THIN MINTS ARE A NATIONAL TREASURE. I attune my senses for their arrival because they've earned it. 

Similarly, if your acne medication is really life changing and not straight from Zack and Screech's blend that they tried on CraterFace Coburn, then word will spread. 

It's totally like Field of Dreams. If you build it, they will come. Except in this case, the field is your medication and the farmland is the customer's face and Kevin Costner is the mechanism that actually puts...OK so maybe the Field of Dreams analogy isn't so apt.

But how will people know? I don't know, smart guy. You figured out how to cure acne. Figure out how to not eye-rape people with pictures of peoples really, really bad skin. I don't think that's asking too much.

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