When you have young kids, do you know what a solo trip to the grocery store is like? It’s like Aruba, but without all the white women disappearing. That’s probably a poor analogy. Let’s go with Disney World for adults. Going to the grocery store alone is like Disney World for adults.
There’s no rush. You can take your time. You can browse the different olive oil selections and contemplate the metaphysical difference between virgin and extra virgin.
If you like, you can exchange witty and jovial banter with the food samplers. The options are ridiculously limitless. With young kids though? The grocery store is like walking a tight rope with a dirty bomb strapped to your back. There’s a rhythm and if you or your spouse dilly-dally in the cereal section over Honey Bunches of Oats and Honey Bunches of Oats and Nuts, then things can unravel quickly.
And before you build a mental image of what I’m talking about, in terms of a grocery store, I’m not talking about Wal-Mart. That place is the wild west of personal conduct and hygiene. You could write a dystopian novel set in Wal-Mart and never leave the home and gardening section.
I’m in Southeastern Tennessee, people. Our Wal-Marts aren’t exactly a conglomeration of the best and brightest. I know you save money there. TRUST ME, I know. But I just can’t. Maybe that makes me a snob or stupid. That’s fine. Plant those flags in my yard. At least I won’t smell like pet food and hillbilly armpits.
Anyways, the grocery store. Alone it can be so wonderful. Sterile lighting, 68 degrees, unimposing contemporary artists like Gavin DeGraw or John Mayer soundscaping your atmosphere. So nice. But it never is. It never, ever is. Why? Because of humanity that’s why.
Out of 100% of our population, 80% of us are not socially incompetent. But the majority doesn’t matter. It’s the 20% that keeps us from having nice things like hoverboards, municipal lazy rivers, invisibility cloaks and year round McRib sandwiches.That 20% has no idea how to conduct themselves. They spill coffee on themselves and sue the coffee maker. They eat Cheeseburgers dipped in ranch everyday for lunch and sue the restaurant because they grew a fourth chin. They pee in the public pools and sue the city because of urine content in the public pools.
It’s because of these people that we can’t have anything nice. Not-coincidentally, these are the people that also ruin your solo trip to the grocery store.
+ The Oblivious Obstructor
Nothing makes me want to punch a hole in the sky like these people. They stand in the middle of the aisle staring blankly at the different kind of Cheezits and dam up the flow of traffic while they fixate on the ever-so-important dilemma of white cheddar, vs. hot and spicy.
The area of their hindquarters + the area of their overtuffed grocery cart usually exceeds the width of an interstate on-ramp, and OF COURSE they NEVER perceive this. Instead, they just continue eclipsing the aisle like it’s no big deal.
And if you are wondering if I’ve ever accidentally “bumped” their cart to bring attention to their obstruction, then your answer is yes. A million hundred billion times yes.
+ The You Must Interact With Me Shopper/Staffer
Me wearing my headphones at the grocery store is a similar idea to a peacock preening; we both want something. The peacock wants a mate and I want everyone to leave me the junk alone. But still there’s ALWAYS the person who wants to talk despite my headphone/tailfeathers.
Hey guy, why do you think I have my head phones in? It’s so I don’t have to do small talk with you. But yet here we are – you warbling to me about the weather or something and me pulling out my head phones so I can hear you repeat, “Boy this heat, right?”
+ The Obstructing Conversants (A distant relative of the oblivious Obstructor)
Oh SNAP! You live in the same small town and you’ve randomly bumped into each other? Que fantastica! That’s so random and raven but that’s also what happens when your town has a population of 55 people. But, hey, whatever works.
Talk until that 2% milk you have in your cart curdles – I truly do not care. But please please PLEASE, GET OUT OF THE WAY. Your conversation does not supercede humanity’s need to navigate the rest of the store. If need be, I will careen into you like a bowling ball careens into a fresh rack of pins. Nobody gets in between me and my Donut House coffee K-Cups. NO ONE.
+ The Coupon Maid
Good for you for couponing. I don’t begrudge you being a good steward of your money. I actually applaud you. BUT GET IT TOGETHER. You browsing through reams and reams of coupon books like you are putting an 8 trillion piece puzzle together is not acceptable.
+ The BlueTooth Shopper
Look. The only people who can get away with wearing a bluetooth headset into a grocery store and using it are the people on Shark Tank – for obvious reasons. So unless you are on Shark Tank, I’m not going to allow it.
For the LOVE, it’s a grocery store trip. It’s not seven years in Tibet and it’s not a bridge to Teribithia. You’ll be out in 45 minutes, tops. Nothing you are dealing with is so important that you need a bluetooth in a grocery store and if it is? You probably should be dealing with it and not browsing the thick slice hickory bacon selection. Just my opinion.
+ The Loud Deli Guy
We get it! You work with meat all day and absorb testosterone through osmosis. It’s all sciency and junk. But PLEASE don’t yell at me from 200 yards away about trying the low sodium roast beef.How about you do you and slice the meat and I’ll do me and listen to This American Life to find out what the hipsters are into? Ok? Ok.
+ The Eat and Shop Guy
I get it. You are in a sanctuary of food so you want to bust into those powdered donuts. I CAN’T DISPUTE YOUR REASONING. But know this: it’s kind of a social faux pas. Do I wish that I could eat while I shop? YES. I would eat barbecue ribs sans wetwipes while I shopped if I could. But society has conditioned that possibility into oblivion. Thanks again for that, society.
A few years ago, I was at Wal-Mart with my friend Mark and this was one of those Wal-Marts with a McDonalds inside it. Before we started shopping, Mark was really hungry so he ordered some food and ate while we shopped. And even among the hillbillies and hogmollies of southeastern TN, he was getting some strange looks. And these are the people that populate peopleofwalmart.com. Why? Because unless you are 3 or younger, eating while shopping is like cannibalism; across class and culture, it is frowned upon.
What types of people at the grocery store did I forget?
To quote a line from Hook: "You need a mommy very badly."
Great satire Knox. i would like to add some except you about cover them all.
Brilliant.
As if you don't know what the hipsters are into. *snort!*
Not sure how you missed this one; maybe it's your pesky Y chromosome. But you forgot The Ogler. You know the guy– he takes Publix's "where shopping is a pleasure" just a smidge too literally. There are plenty of melons to check out in the produce section, fella. Move along.
you forgot the animalistic children on heelies who are uncaged and allowed to roam the aisles at will. i always want to trip those little schmucks and then smack their mothers for breeding.
You missed the Grannys that push their huge wide cart s-l-o-w-l-y down the precise middle of the aisle, blocking your attempt to navigate around them (because after all they are nice sweet Grannys) and forcing you to follow s-l-o-w-l-y behind. The.whole.aisle.
You're right about the 20% that screws things up for the rest of us. Reminds me of an Onion headline: "Really Fun Toy Banned Because of Three Stupid Dead Kids".
While I'm guilty of a couple of these from time to time, I know I can't be an eat and shop guy because I'm incapable of eating and walking for 45 cm without falling, tripping, running into a wall, pulling a hammy, etc.
How about the group of people who walk side by side down the whole aisle? I encounter this all the time I am going down an aisle and there is a group of people (typically young adults or teens) and they are walking 4 people right beside each other down the aisle. In your mind your thinking, "Of course they see me and will at least scoot over to the side some" then you get the basketball box-out into the shredded wheat.
I have noticed that if you make any kind of eye contact with these people it is like you are challenging them to a road race like John Cusack and the asian-americans in Better of Dead. However if you stay on your side and pretend like you don't see them usually they will get out of the way.
Hilarious.
The person that bugs me is the one who, while I'm contemplating oatmeal choices, stands right behind me. Then, when I move so that I'm not an oblivious obstructor, they slide into my spot and become one. So, I'm stuck with the decision about whether I should pretend I just decided not to get oatmeal and come back once they're gone, or if I should stand looking over their shoulder, make my decision, and reach around them to grab the Maple and Brown Sugar box.
What about Wait In The Aisle Until Someone Tall Comes Along to Reach It For You Because You Are Afraid The Shelf Will Not Hold You If You Attempt To Climb It person?
Uh. Not that I know anything about this at all.
Gotta have a little mercy for "bluetooth guy" because he might also be doubling as "if I don't ask my wife, she's going to send my butt back to the store 5 minutes after I get home" guy.
And sometimes, I get a little peeved by the headphone dude because he's lost in his music and contemplating the "metaphysical difference between virgin and extra virgin" — he has no clue that he has inadvertantly become the "obvious obstructor" (even if his girth doesn't merit the job) largely because he doesn't hear you saying "excuse me! excuse me!".
That's alright though, because he really doesn't care if you "accidentally" bump his cart, right?
I too live in "southeast TN" and can whole-heartedly confirm your opinion of walmart shoppers. Walmart is not a grocery store – it is an evil, horrendous place where only hateful, angry people exist. If I do ever HAVE to go there I'm frustrated before I even park the car and the experience just goes down hill from there. I hate, hate, HATE walmart.
The Oblivious Obstructor is the one that gets me – only I don't want to punch the sky, I want to punch the Obstructor in the face.
Especially if I encounter the Obstructor in a Walmart. That's a bad day waiting to happen.
Great post. Super funny.
i wear my earbuds in the mall… mainly so the guy with the hair straightener won't say "miss… you have lovely hair… come here." or the guys with the lotions saying "hey…miss… i want to show you something…" um, i don't want whatever you want to show me. And when you say it like that, trying to take my hand, i feel like you want to show me something that is in a van. and you have candy, and want me to help you find your puppy.
but i might have to upgrade to the full-fledged DJ headphones. They don't seem to get it otherwise.
worst people ever… people in the busy parking lot that insist on backing into a space, though there is a line of cars waiting to pass you. and we all have to put our cars in reverse to make way of your parking job. Just pull in like everyone else. Do it.
Now that you've put the idea of a municipal lazy river in my head, my life will never be complete until this happens.
The only thing worse than the Oblivious Obstructor is the obstructor who knows you're there, but take 14 hours to move themselves or their cart because the world revolves around them. I won't lie–this is when I start to imagine the parking lot scene in Fried Green Tomatoes and want to go Tuwanda on their cart.
Absolutely hilarious! Nicely done!
I could feel the misery of the grocery store experience as I read this. Ugh. I loathe grocery shoppiong.
What about the Angry Oblivious Obstructor? I've waited a whole 60 seconds (grocery store eternity), they're still blocking the way so I finally pull out my ear buds, apply a fake smile and say a desperate, "Excuse me!?"… Only to be greeting by angry glares and some brash grumblings.
I dream of hiring a personal shopper just to avoid grocery stores…
Thank you for this. I feel like this is a gift.
I love going to the grocery store. Not just because I love food. I only go Monday-Thursday sometime between the hours of 9AM and 11AM. Who else goes at that time? Other stay-at-home moms. Where is our element? Grocery stores.
We are like a secret band of super efficient militia. Minus guns and camo. Plus coupons and yoga pants.
The municipal river concept just blew my mind. Can we flush that idea out further?
Excellent Better off Dead reference, Dave.
(Stewing at the hipster implication)
HEELIES!
One time, when my wife was pregnant with our first child, a kid in heelies almost hit her in an aisle and for a microsecond she looked like she was going to cross check him into the frozen vegetables. She didn't though because she's a good human.
Dead on. You think bad thoughts, but you feel bad about thinking those thoughts.
That entire second paragraph is pretty much legendary.
The Hoverer! Totally right. A fantastic call.
Canada must just have really tall grocery shelving.
I'm going to print out the first paragraph of that comment and embroider it on a pillow to keep on my couch. Is that ok?
The Ambivalent Obstructor!! I totally forgot about them.
No really, take all the time you need considering if you need the family size bag of Cheetos or Doritos. It's a BIG decision.
How do you try to politely interact with another human being. The nerve!
Right? I mean CMON OBAMA.
Then there's the guy who's in his 50's and too old to be acting like a kid, yet he's seeing how fast he can ride the cart like a skateboard through the parking lot…..
Oh wait…. that's me…..
Thanks Knox! Its really sad but so true. I have told my wife several times I cannot scoot over anymore and I am not going to do the spread eagle on the doritos and frito lay aisle like I am getting a police body check so the 4 teens don't have to break stride. I usually brave the wild waters of Meijers, Wal-mart, and now Aldi's but there are many times afterwards I am left wondering why I punished myself like that.
Don't let's forget Large Marge–she of the watermelon wedgie. You know who I mean: the rather, shall we say, imposing lady who tries to hide produce between her thunder thighs.
And then of course, there's the Fall Guy (or gal), who spills his own jumbo bucket o'Coke in hopes of slipping in the sticky spill and suing the pants off the store for pain, suffering, and (self-imposed) humiliation.
Thanks Laurie I have no idea why that came in my mind first but I think it is a pretty accurate description.
sure. but only if you cross-stitch the guy, his hair slicked back, wearing a black shirt unbuttoned 3.5 buttons too many, wearing a pinky ring, reaching his hand out with the creepy smile. aka: the future Mr. Kendra Sands
Yes….that's it…
Hey, I know this guy…he whistled at me when I climbed out of the truck at Brookshire Brothers on Sunday, after church, in my church clothes (very modest), with my mother, to grab a few last minute things for family lunch.
I want a lazy river in my backyards. Sans urine.
-Peace
The I don't want this anymore guy.
That's the person who puts items of food in with US Weekly at check out line.
I don't know you.
But my friend Tyler says your funny.
I've never bothered to find out for myself until right now.
He's right.
You're hilarious.
I have six kids – shopping alone is a luxury equivalent to a European vacation on your rich grandpappy's dime.
I won't shop at Wal-Mart either.
And I also don't care what that says about me to others.
This post made my afternoon of homeschooling much funnier than I anticipated.
(Also slightly less productive – but who cares?
My kids will probably grow up to be employed at Wal-Mart anyway, right?)
It's an honor to have the legendary editor of Everyday Absurdities pay a visit.
Both he and you are too kind.
And I feel a lot better to know that my feelings on Wal-Mart aren't the exception. We will all pay higher prices TOGETHER.
Wow. A total genius call. I don't know how I missed that seeing as how my wife is that person.
I'll take it regardless. That's what goggles and closed mouths are for.
I loved this.
There's the person who always picks the faulty shopping cart with the one bum wheel that makes it impossible to round corners without putting your entire body weight into it—this results in a huge collision as you turn the corner at 1mph…
I know nothing of being that person or anything. When I do actually get a working cart, I'm the person riding it down the open aisles.
But WHAT if you're really, really pregnant? I mean REALLY. And you're starving. Can you eat and shop then? Please?
These rules don't apply to you, Love.
Mighty midgets unite!
I'm the female version of this at Publix. Reapplying lip gloss and pinching my cheeks on the even numbered aisles.
1. Choosing which box of Cheez-its to buy is complicated. DON'T PRESSURE ME.
2. There's also the elderly couple who have 49 items in the 10 items or less lane who move so slowly the cashier is actually waiting for them to pluck things from the buggy. This same couple is buying adult diapers and applesauce and seems to be on the brink of death so therefore you can't even enjoy being riled up because you feel so guilty that you still have your original teeth and can make it to a restroom. Ugh.
What about the people who obliviously turn out of the aisle at full force, shopping cart ahead of them, without taking notice to any small females who might be walking the perimeter of the store? No, it's okay, it's your right of way! I'll just develop a paranoia to avoid being crushed.
Your lovely wife suggested I read this while I myself was in the Walmarts of all Walmarts just last night. You hit the nail on the head, friend.
What about the I Brought My Yappy Wind-Up Toy Dog With Me To the Store lady? This makes my head spin and lasers shoot out my eyes.
Love this! You should print these out on little cards and pass them out to these people!!
What about the ones who think they are being helpful by pointin out the sales…or the price match items.
This happened to me the other weekend. The hubs and I typically shop at Aldi for our groceries. But sometimes I just want quaker oat squares (that Aldi does not have an equivalent too) … so I drag myself into Wal Mart to get the one box of cereal I entered the store for…and this guy goes… "ya know, you can get this other cereal (that, by the way, was about 10 ft from where I was looking and about to grab my box of oats) for this amount."
..thanks for the input guy…but I just don't care.