I was challenged recently by Jessica Buttram to a Donut War when we vehemently disagreed with each other in the comments section during my induction to Awesometown. (Historians, when documenting this blogocentric event in the future, will undoubtedly call this The Donut Taunting.)
In what was supposed to be a celebration of me, Jessica took the opportunity to commandeer my spotlight and spew a lascivious invective full of hate and faulty logic using Brad Pitt and capital letters.
Being a gentlemen, I tried ignoring her.
But being a human, I couldn’t stand by when she started belittling Brad. I mean it’s Brad Pitt, you guys; fierce and imposing enough to be Achilles, yet soft and fragile enough to be Benjamin Button? THIS WOULD NOT STAND.
And so, this post will be a systematic takedown of everything Jessica and her band of delinquent proselytizers believe to be true about donuts. COMMENCE DONUT WAR.
Do you know why people prefer steak to beef jerky? Because steak is substantial. It is artful. It is truth. Jerky is simply an imitation. It’s a simple derivative borrowing on the idea and currency.
The relationship between Krispy Kreme Donuts and Dunkin Donuts is very similar. Where Dunkin Donuts are tasty, substantial and delicious Krispy Kreme donuts are light, airy, and overly-reliant on a sugary glaze. Which is fine for them. But DON’T you dare compare them to Dunkin Donuts.
KK donuts are designed to be less filling so that you
Is Krispy Kreme the older company? YES. Does that make them better? NO. Why? Older isn’t automatically better. For instance, is older better when it comes to bladder control? Not being racist? Understanding technology? No. In those situations, being older is decidedly not as good.
Currently, Dunkin Donuts massively dwarfs Krispy Kreme’s market presence. Unlike age, this MATTERS because the market dictates growth and where DD’s growth has been significant and steady, KK’s has been less than.
Remember a few years ago when Krispy Kreme exploded into public consciousness as a cultural phenomenon? Well, they followed that up with over-expansion and corporate scandal. GOOD JOB, GUYS! These kinds of things happen when you fundamental product (the glazed donut) is nothing more than heavily sugared bread.
Here’s where I argue that Dunkin Donuts’ singularity of inventory is the reason behind the divine deliciousness of their donut and that Krispy Kreme has too many items on the menu and this is why their glazed donut is simply ok.
You mean Dunkin Donuts has a more diverse menu AND it has the better donut? Seems to me that Dunkin is simply better because it is simply better.
“Oh yeah? Well the Hot and Ready sign is iconic! It’s like the Hollywood sign but for food!”
Ok sure. But here’s the thing: the Hot and Ready sign is kind of moronic, isn’t it? Why would you train your customers to light up at your product only SOME of the time? I get that it’s a psychological ploy, but isn’t it pretty much counter-productive? Subliminal messaging I would be fine with, but a Pavlovian tactic? Not so much.
The following is an excerpt of what we can all assume an encounter between a Dunkin Donuts employee and
Jessica Buttram or one of her delinquent, Krispy Kreme-loving cronies a person who prefers Krispy Kreme donuts.
/Door Swings Open
Krispy Kreme Sychophant: DURR HEY YALL ME HUNGRY FOR DONUT. HEY DURR I DON’T THINK YUR SIGN WORKS LOL.
Dunkin Donuts Employee: Hello sir. Welcome to Dunkin Donuts.
Krispy Kreme Sycophant: DURR HI DURR DONUTS. I WANTS THEM. IS THEY READY?
DDE: Is what ready? We have a variety of delicious foods: donuts, muffins, breakfast sandwiches and coffee. Which would you like?
KKS: DURR DON’T FONCUSE ME. ME WANT DONUT. ARE THEY HERE? IS THEY HOT AND READY YET?
DDE: Foncuse you? I’m not trying to confuse you. We just have a lot of options, unlike Krispy Kreme, where you may be accustomed to.
KKS: (breathing into a brown paper bag) Durr but how does you know when they is ready?
DDE: We’re constantly making our food fresh if that’s what you mean. We like to always have fresh food instead of only intermittently throughout the day.
KKS: DURR but how will they know? DURR DO YOU RING A GIANT BELL TO TELL PEOPLE LIKE TACO BELL DOES IT? OH WAIT AM AT TACO BELL BY MISTAKE DURR. I GUESS THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY THAR IS NO HOT AND READY SIGN LOL.
DDE: Ohhhhh. I understand. You’ve been mentally crippled through years of conditioning from the Hot and Ready sign. Here at Dunkin Donuts, we don’t approve of Pavlovian psychology. We’re humanists and we believe that people should be able to enjoy a donut whenever they want, not just when the hot and ready sign is lit up.
KKS: DURR BUT WON’T PEOPLE STARVE? DURR WE NEED TO BE TOLD WHEN WE CAN HAVE OUR DONUTS DURR.
DDE: There, there. Also, you’re going to need to wear a shirt.
Which donut establishment do you prefer (disclosure: if you say Krispy Kreme, it WILL terminate our online friendship).