Two quick things about Jessica. 1) She has the coolest twitter handle I’ve ever seen. 2) She is the main editor for my serial novel.
These two things ALONE are reason enough for her induction into Awesometown, but her talents don’t end there. She’s a hellaciously fantastic writer with an innate gift for prose and she has the ability to flip between the serious and hilarious without missing a beat. If you told me that in 10 years, she will have a show called JButt that she hosts largely because of her massive book sales and on the show she gives away cars and donuts and gift packages, I would say, “Sounds about right.” She’s that talented, you guys.
True, she has her flaws. (Her taste in donuts and TV shows) BUT HEY, that just makes her more human.
If you’ve never given your brain the pleasure of reading her blog, do it here and make sure to follow her on Twitter at the aforementioned greatest handle on the interwebs: @jbuttwhatwhat.
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Five Questions About Jessica
First, I would like to celebrate this moment with an interpretive dance routine set to an exclusively violin version of “All Stars” by Smash Mouth. One part Napoleon Dynamite, three parts AWESOME.
(Dance. Dance. Revolution. Demi-plié.)
Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system…
1. Jessica, what originally led you to start blogging/writing?
I started blogging in earnest to assault family members with photographs of my adorable kids without clogging up their inbox.
As for writing, I’ve fancied myself a writer for as long as I can remember, ever since I wrote a story about an astronaut who gets sucked into a black hole to find a magical land of light, because I learned in science class that day that the gravity of a black hole is so strong light can’t even escape it.
(But seriously, folks, watch for it on the shelves.)
2. So you have a degree in math but you also blog. Have you always been a show-off or is this a new shift in personality?
Please. I have ALWAYS been a show-off. I have a very clear memory of the first day of Kindergarten, announcing to my teacher and all my classmates that, not only could I spell my full name, but I could write it in cursive too.
Also, I’m the lower middle child of four kids. Everything I’ve ever done ever in my whole entire life has just been a thinly veiled, “NOTICE ME! NOTICE ME!”
3. You’ve often labeled yourself as a trophy wife. Is this status the culmination of a dream or is it just one rung on the ladder of a master plan?
That it’s a self-inflicted label should tell you something…
But really, I’m just a stay-at-home mom reading everyone else’s blogs and the great things they are doing for others. I post fifteen pictures of my kids and say, “OMG, SO CUTE, RIGHT?!” Maybe it makes some people hug their kids a little tighter, but come on, THIS LABEL IS ALL I HAVE, KNOX.
4. What’s it like knowing that I’ve recently cast you as a toothless, Hillbilly mastermind in my serial novel? Follow-up: Does it affect your trophy-wife status?
I was seriously thrilled when I found out I was the hillbilly mastermind. I fully intend to enjoy my villainy.
And just now I asked my husband if being a toothless hillbilly mastermind would affect my TW status and he said, “What? Wait. What are you talking about?” So…the jury’s still out.
5. Recommend 5 blogs you would eagerly stake your reputation on for their quality and geniusness.
I eagerly and consistently read all of the Awesometown residents’ blogs, so I’ll refrain from listing five of them here. Instead:
www.biscuet.com – I grew up with this kid and remember when he slouched in the corner during Sunday School and only answered questions when the answer was “Abundance!” Now, he lives in Beijing helping place English teachers in universities across Asia, all while simultaneously furthering God’s kingdom in personal, dedicated ways. He’s also really creative, and I love living vicariously through him.
www.juliecgardner.com – Julie is one of my favorite people I’ve ever met through the interwebz. She is witty and endearing and writes with an ebb and flow that sometimes makes me self-loathe.
www.schlabadoo.com – Mark Klapowitz cracks me up, while simultaneously making me feel old. That’s a feat few can achieve.
www.somespecieseattheiryoung.com – Chase McFadden was one of the first bloggers I didn’t know in real life but read eagerly all the same. His site was my gateway blog.
www.theveganstoner.com – I need to point out, I AM NOT A VEGAN (or a stoner). Veganism demands a superhuman set of ethics, and there is nothing ethical about the way I destroy smoked cheddar cheeseburgers. BUT I’m always looking for veggie-heavy recipes, and this blog is so fun to look at. Very inspiring.
*This was the hardest question of them all. FOR SERIOUS.
Five Rapid Fire Questions
1. Favorite current / all time book?
I’ve had a Top 5 that has yet to be upended, in no particular order except alphabetical:
The Count of Monte Cristo
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
The Little Prince
The Scarlet Pimpernel
The Time Traveler’s Wife
These are all books that I have read multiple times, most of them at least once a year.
2. Favorite current / all time television show?
Going by which show I own all the DVDs of, I’ll say Arrested Development, but only by a slim margin. Modern Family is my current favorite, with New Girl (Team Schmidt, yo) hot on its heels.
3. Favorite movie?
IMPOSSIBLE. 42.
Well, okay, I’ll try. My FIRST favorite movie was The Little Mermaid. My sisters and I wore that VHS out. Disney Classics hold a special place in my heart.
4. Favorite fictional character?
Sir Percy Blakeney, the Scarlet Pimpernel. He’s the original masked crusader. I’m really lucky Bean turned out to be a girl, because otherwise I would have lobbied hard to name Boy #2 Percy Blakeney Buttram, and that is just a disaster.
5. Favorite Meal?
Look, I LOVE food. If my meal could be three days long, THEN I could give you an accurate response. But in the interest of time, I’ll say…my mother’s eggrolls with fluffy white rice and vinegar-garlic dipping sauce followed by a GIANT slice of my grandmother’s chocolate cake. And a cherry coke.
Also, I’ve changed that answer four times.
Five Hypothetical Questions
1. In 5 years, time travel will not only be possible, but it will be commercialized. As such, you are invited to participate in the Laser Tag Championship of All-Time, which is no doubt sponsored by ESPN and Geico. Spanning recorded history, name the 3 people you would select for your team and why.
When I last played laser tag years ago, there was this kid on my team who hid near our base and hit every single person who tried to shoot our headquarters for a billion points and an automatic win. He was a beast.
So I’d find him, whatever his name was, and then I’d round out my team with Davey Crockett & Robin Hood, sharp shooters extraordinaire. IN IT TO WIN IT.
2. Let’s assume that in a parallel universe you exist as a single woman. You begin dating a gentleman who is perfect in every sense of the word. He is nice, smart, funny, charming, self-less and he will always be these things. Essentially, he will be Noah from The Notebook for your entire life regardless of how you are to him and in your soul, you know that you will never meet a man more perfect for you than him.
The only quirk is that for one weekend every three months, he lapses into a personality loop where he believes himself to be the human embodiment of Gumby. He wears a handmade Gumby costume and he interacts with people as though he were Gumby, to the point where he introduces himself as Gumby.
Additionally, he requires you to exist and function just as intensely as his sidekick Pokey, the orange pony.
Understanding that you have to allow him to be completely functional and you must interact with him as though you were Pokey and he was Gumby, do you get involved with this man knowing that you will endure this arrangement for the rest of your life?
ABSOLUTELY. I already make a major goon of myself regularly for my own entertainment. Bringing in Gumby to join the fun would just be icing on the cake.
3. Fundamentally, is Charlie’s Angels more about attractive girls fighting crime or about girls with father-issues being exploited into fighting crime by a father-figure?
Attractive girls fighting crime. I don’t think there’s anything deeper going on there.
4. Let’s assume that you enter a Krispy Kreme at the exact moment when the Hot and Ready light goes on. Doing this causes you to be transformed into another dimension where a furious battle rages between two factions: Faction 1 is led by Santa and his elves and they are engaged in a bloody battle led by Krispy Kreme employees and personified, warrior donuts.
Intuitively, you understand that whichever faction you join will gain the decided advantage in this battle. Further, to the victor go the spoils, which in this case means that the loser will be wiped off the face of the planet never to be thought of or heard from again.
If you join the donuts, Christmas and the idea of it will be purged from our consciousnesses. If you join Santa though, all conceptualization of Krispy Kreme will be erased.
Which side do you choose to help?
KNOX MCCOY, YOU ARE DIABOLICAL. Does siding with Krispy Kreme also mean Jesus’ relation to Christmas is wiped clean? If so, then as a Christian my answer HAS to be siding with Santa. You fiend.
5. Let’s assume that in another universe, you are in high school. This universe is infinitesimally like ours, so much so, that there are only two differences: your age and the fact that Saved By the Bell never happened.
Within this universe and within your high school, you begin to notice that your circle of friends exactly mirrors all the characters from Saved By The Bell. You also notice that within this group, the emerging Alpha male is a boy they call Samuel “Screech” Powers, while the emerging whipping boy of the group is a slick, Converse-wearing boy named Zack Morris.
In this situation, do you feel compelled to try to stop Screech’s ascension atop the social food chain and aid Zack in his social efforts? Or do you simply allow things to unfold as they may?
*Important point: neither scenario benefits you more or less.
Listen, Zack Morris is the phenomenon that he is because he IS the Alpha Male. Not even A.C. Slater with his corkscrew curls and pothole dimples could upset the order of things.
Would Screech create a girl band? Would Screech market a Bayside High girls’ swim team calendar? Would Screech kiss every single girl on the show? I think not. Mr. Belding would probably have a full head of hair, and we’d never get this gem: “Two Beldings in one building, one of whom is balding.” James would never get to live out his dream as an actor, playing the part in Zack’s schemes as Mr. Belding/Mr. Morris/Harvard guidance counselor. Jessie wouldn’t get into Stanford and would still be addicted to caffeine pills. And Lisa Turtle will most likely say yes to popular Screech, making HER the Kelly Kapowski and making Kelly Kapowski…Violet Bickerstaff. And then this universe would implode.
We would pretty much be living a colorless, plotless existence with Screech at the helm. I will not hesitate to destroy Screech’s popularity in favor of Zack’s. It’s the right thing to do, and don’t you tell me otherwise.
Five Final Random Questions
1. Which Wizard of Oz character are you most like?
Impulse answer: Toto, because I’m small, yappy, and can fit in a basket.
2. What’s something the average human would be surprised to learn about you?
I can play the guitar above averagely well. Like, Tears in Heaven and Blackbird are my show-off jams.
3. What line from literature / cinema / tv would your put on your tombstone to summarize your life?
I keep trying to come up with something AMAZING. I even Googled “tombstone quotes” and got “I have not yet begun to defile myself.” Yeah, that was a bust. But I keep coming back to the opening lines of T.S. Eliot’s poem The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock.
“Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky”
Only because it’s my favorite poem ever. And it’s aptly about growing old and grumpy. Ignoring that it can be interpreted as condoning suicide pacts or something. Thumbs down, Eliot.
4. What is your biggest pipedream?
First, I would like to celebrate this moment with an interpretive dance routine set to an exclusively violin version of “All Stars” by Smash Mouth. One part Napoleon Dynamite, three parts AWESOME.
(Dance. Dance. Revolution. Demi-plié.)
Okay, now that I’ve gotten that out of my system…
1. Jessica, what originally led you to start blogging/writing?
I started blogging in earnest to assault family members with photographs of my adorable kids without clogging up their inbox.
As for writing, I’ve fancied myself a writer for as long as I can remember, ever since I wrote a story about an astronaut who gets sucked into a black hole to find a magical land of light, because I learned in science class that day that the gravity of a black hole is so strong light can’t even escape it.
(But seriously, folks, watch for it on the shelves.)
2. So you have a degree in math but you also blog. Have you always been a show-off or is this a new shift in personality?
Please. I have ALWAYS been a show-off. I have a very clear memory of the first day of Kindergarten, announcing to my teacher and all my classmates that, not only could I spell my full name, but I could write it in cursive too.
Also, I’m the lower middle child of four kids. Everything I’ve ever done ever in my whole entire life has just been a thinly veiled, “NOTICE ME! NOTICE ME!”
3. You’ve often labeled yourself as a trophy wife. Is this status the culmination of a dream or is it just one rung on the ladder of a master plan?
That it’s a self-inflicted label should tell you something…
But really, I’m just a stay-at-home mom reading everyone else’s blogs and the great things they are doing for others. I post fifteen pictures of my kids and say, “OMG, SO CUTE, RIGHT?!” Maybe it makes some people hug their kids a little tighter, but come on, THIS LABEL IS ALL I HAVE, KNOX.
4. What’s it like knowing that I’ve recently cast you as a toothless, Hillbilly mastermind in my serial novel? Follow-up: Does it affect your trophy-wife status?
I was seriously thrilled when I found out I was the hillbilly mastermind. I fully intend to enjoy my villainy.
And just now I asked my husband if being a toothless hillbilly mastermind would affect my TW status and he said, “What? Wait. What are you talking about?” So…the jury’s still out.
5. Recommend 5 blogs you would eagerly stake your reputation on for their quality and geniusness.
I eagerly and consistently read all of the Awesometown residents’ blogs, so I’ll refrain from listing five of them here. Instead:
www.biscuet.com – I grew up with this kid and remember when he slouched in the corner during Sunday School and only answered questions when the answer was “Abundance!” Now, he lives in Beijing helping place English teachers in universities across Asia, all while simultaneously furthering God’s kingdom in personal, dedicated ways. He’s also really creative, and I love living vicariously through him.
www.juliecgardner.com – Julie is one of my favorite people I’ve ever met through the interwebz. She is witty and endearing and writes with an ebb and flow that sometimes makes me self-loathe.
www.schlabadoo.com – Mark Klapowitz cracks me up, while simultaneously making me feel old. That’s a feat few can achieve.
www.somespecieseattheiryoung.com – Chase McFadden was one of the first bloggers I didn’t know in real life but read eagerly all the same. His site was my gateway blog.
www.theveganstoner.com – I need to point out, I AM NOT A VEGAN (or a stoner). Veganism demands a superhuman set of ethics, and there is nothing ethical about the way I destroy smoked cheddar cheeseburgers. BUT I’m always looking for veggie-heavy recipes, and this blog is so fun to look at. Very inspiring.
*This was the hardest question of them all. FOR SERIOUS.
Five Rapid Fire Questions
1. Favorite current / all time book?
I’ve had a Top 5 that has yet to be upended, in no particular order except alphabetical:
The Count of Monte Cristo
Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
The Little Prince
The Scarlet Pimpernel
The Time Traveler’s Wife
These are all books that I have read multiple times, most of them at least once a year.
2. Favorite current / all time television show?
Going by which show I own all the DVDs of, I’ll say Arrested Development, but only by a slim margin. Modern Family is my current favorite, with New Girl (Team Schmidt, yo) hot on its heels.
3. Favorite movie?
IMPOSSIBLE. 42.
Well, okay, I’ll try. My FIRST favorite movie was The Little Mermaid. My sisters and I wore that VHS out. Disney Classics hold a special place in my heart.
4. Favorite fictional character?
Sir Percy Blakeney, the Scarlet Pimpernel. He’s the original masked crusader. I’m really lucky Bean turned out to be a girl, because otherwise I would have lobbied hard to name Boy #2 Percy Blakeney Buttram, and that is just a disaster.
5. Favorite Meal?
Look, I LOVE food. If my meal could be three days long, THEN I could give you an accurate response. But in the interest of time, I’ll say…my mother’s eggrolls with fluffy white rice and vinegar-garlic dipping sauce followed by a GIANT slice of my grandmother’s chocolate cake. And a cherry coke.
Also, I’ve changed that answer four times.
Five Hypothetical Questions
1. In 5 years, time travel will not only be possible, but it will be commercialized. As such, you are invited to participate in the Laser Tag Championship of All-Time, which is no doubt sponsored by ESPN and Geico. Spanning recorded history, name the 3 people you would select for your team and why.
When I last played laser tag years ago, there was this kid on my team who hid near our base and hit every single person who tried to shoot our headquarters for a billion points and an automatic win. He was a beast.
So I’d find him, whatever his name was, and then I’d round out my team with Davey Crockett & Robin Hood, sharp shooters extraordinaire. IN IT TO WIN IT.
2. Let’s assume that in a parallel universe you exist as a single woman. You begin dating a gentleman who is perfect in every sense of the word. He is nice, smart, funny, charming, self-less and he will always be these things. Essentially, he will be Noah from The Notebook for your entire life regardless of how you are to him and in your soul, you know that you will never meet a man more perfect for you than him.
The only quirk is that for one weekend every three months, he lapses into a personality loop where he believes himself to be the human embodiment of Gumby. He wears a handmade Gumby costume and he interacts with people as though he were Gumby, to the point where he introduces himself as Gumby.
Additionally, he requires you to exist and function just as intensely as his sidekick Pokey, the orange pony.
Understanding that you have to allow him to be completely functional and you must interact with him as though you were Pokey and he was Gumby, do you get involved with this man knowing that you will endure this arrangement for the rest of your life?
ABSOLUTELY. I already make a major goon of myself regularly for my own entertainment. Bringing in Gumby to join the fun would just be icing on the cake.
3. Fundamentally, is Charlie’s Angels more about attractive girls fighting crime or about girls with father-issues being exploited into fighting crime by a father-figure?
Attractive girls fighting crime. I don’t think there’s anything deeper going on there.
4. Let’s assume that you enter a Krispy Kreme at the exact moment when the Hot and Ready light goes on. Doing this causes you to be transformed into another dimension where a furious battle rages between two factions: Faction 1 is led by Santa and his elves and they are engaged in a bloody battle led by Krispy Kreme employees and personified, warrior donuts.
Intuitively, you understand that whichever faction you join will gain the decided advantage in this battle. Further, to the victor go the spoils, which in this case means that the loser will be wiped off the face of the planet never to be thought of or heard from again.
If you join the donuts, Christmas and the idea of it will be purged from our consciousnesses. If you join Santa though, all conceptualization of Krispy Kreme will be erased.
Which side do you choose to help?
KNOX MCCOY, YOU ARE DIABOLICAL. Does siding with Krispy Kreme also mean Jesus’ relation to Christmas is wiped clean? If so, then as a Christian my answer HAS to be siding with Santa. You fiend.
5. Let’s assume that in another universe, you are in high school. This universe is infinitesimally like ours, so much so, that there are only two differences: your age and the fact that Saved By the Bell never happened.
Within this universe and within your high school, you begin to notice that your circle of friends exactly mirrors all the characters from Saved By The Bell. You also notice that within this group, the emerging Alpha male is a boy they call Samuel “Screech” Powers, while the emerging whipping boy of the group is a slick, Converse-wearing boy named Zack Morris.
In this situation, do you feel compelled to try to stop Screech’s ascension atop the social food chain and aid Zack in his social efforts? Or do you simply allow things to unfold as they may?
*Important point: neither scenario benefits you more or less.
Listen, Zack Morris is the phenomenon that he is because he IS the Alpha Male. Not even A.C. Slater with his corkscrew curls and pothole dimples could upset the order of things.
Would Screech create a girl band? Would Screech market a Bayside High girls’ swim team calendar? Would Screech kiss every single girl on the show? I think not. Mr. Belding would probably have a full head of hair, and we’d never get this gem: “Two Beldings in one building, one of whom is balding.” James would never get to live out his dream as an actor, playing the part in Zack’s schemes as Mr. Belding/Mr. Morris/Harvard guidance counselor. Jessie wouldn’t get into Stanford and would still be addicted to caffeine pills. And Lisa Turtle will most likely say yes to popular Screech, making HER the Kelly Kapowski and making Kelly Kapowski…Violet Bickerstaff. And then this universe would implode.
We would pretty much be living a colorless, plotless existence with Screech at the helm. I will not hesitate to destroy Screech’s popularity in favor of Zack’s. It’s the right thing to do, and don’t you tell me otherwise.
Five Final Random Questions
1. Which Wizard of Oz character are you most like?
Impulse answer: Toto, because I’m small, yappy, and can fit in a basket.
2. What’s something the average human would be surprised to learn about you?
I can play the guitar above averagely well. Like, Tears in Heaven and Blackbird are my show-off jams.
3. What line from literature / cinema / tv would your put on your tombstone to summarize your life?
I keep trying to come up with something AMAZING. I even Googled “tombstone quotes” and got “I have not yet begun to defile myself.” Yeah, that was a bust. But I keep coming back to the opening lines of T.S. Eliot’s poem The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock.
“Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky”
Only because it’s my favorite poem ever. And it’s aptly about growing old and grumpy. Ignoring that it can be interpreted as condoning suicide pacts or something. Thumbs down, Eliot.
4. What is your biggest pipedream?
Well, it WAS to score beachfront property in Awesometown, so…CHECK.
Moving down to #2, it says: Win a Pulitzer. I hear they just give those things away based on word count. Or something.
Moving down to #2, it says: Win a Pulitzer. I hear they just give those things away based on word count. Or something.
5. In 10 years, where do you hope to find yourself?
Hopefully NOT fighting with my teen/tween kids, still laughing with my husband, with maybe “best-selling author” tacked on to the end of the Buttram. Because how cool would that be?
It's like we're twinsies. Exhibit "A": my answer to fav fictional character. ('Though I play the piano, not the guitar, because the guitar makes zero sense.)
I like you. Almost as much as I like Knox. Either/Or.
She won me over at the 42 reference.
You play guitar? And we are so holding a poetry reading in Awesometown. A sexy poetry reading. I'm so there. Welcome, eh?
P.S. You can have the donuts…
Leanne
Yay! Yay!
Toto….you're the best!
BOOM. I'll take it.
…but that's like, halfway through.
KIDDING.
YES to the poetry reading. I will bring my beret.
NO, YOU ARE! Smidge lovin'!
A few things:
- Would it be frowned upon to eat the doughnuts after I defeat them? You know what, I don't even care, I'd do it anyway.
- Can I have a TV show in Awesometown? Clay and I have already been working on a sitcom pilot.
- That was the nicest induction introduction (wordplay!) I've ever had. Thank you.
- Which way to the year-round water park?
I love that you had Jess decide between Christmas and Krispy Kreme. I would've cancelled Christmas and then taken control of Krispy Kreme only to destroy it as well. And I'm most like the scarecrow from Wizard of Oz. I'm sure everyone was wondering.
You are dead on with your Screech vs. Zach response. DEAD ON. Truly, I'm impressed with the way you've retained Saved by the Bell knowledge.
As for Knox's sociopathic Christmas vs. Krispy Kreme question, since it's Santa waging war instead of sweet baby Jesus, you could make the argument of siding with the donuts in order to redeem Christmas. We're taking it back to its roots, yo.
"…sociopathic…"
I'll TAKE it!
I would have joined Santa and dropped nuclear bombs on every location where a Krispy Kreme once stood. I don't care if it extincted our species. Some things HAVE to happen.
YES. To the whole entire thing.