I want to address an issue that is being pathologically misunderstood in our society: fatness.
Yes, the obesity epidemic is important, but I’m talking more about how people understand fatness. We have skinny people calling themselves fat and fat people being lifted via crane out of their houses. How confusing must that disparity be for our children?
As we fall deeper and deeper into the abyss of obesity, the various terms describing this descent predictably muddle the reality of what fatness really means.Today I’d like to address that. What follows will be a brief explanation and analysis of some of the different terms used about fatness. After that, there will be a Q&A for people still in the dark.
The idea of fatness seems simple but it isn’t. It’s a lot like an Indiana Jones-style adventure. You think you know what’s up, but you don’t because people’s faces are melting and big Nazi’s are coming after you, but oh wait, they just got propellored by the airplane.
For the purposes of this post we will break down this idea of fatness as it exists in two conditions. These conditions are the fundamental constructs upon which we will build our understanding of the concept.
#1 The condition of being fat.
This is simply the condition of being overweight. This occurs when your mind, your appetite, and your will conspire together successfully in overindulgence.
#2 The condition of being fat-minded.
This is simply the condition of having a mind that actively pursues fatness. Fat people are obviously fat-minded, but skinny people can be fat-minded too. Their skinniness simply means that their will is stronger than their fat-mindedness.
It’s like the difference between being a murderer and murderous. Actually murdering someone means that you have given in to your mind/will and tangibly murdered someone. Being murderousmeans you simply have the desire to murder. Maybe it turns into murder or maybe it turns into a flaming bag of excrement on someone’s doorstep. WHO CAN KNOW?Now that we’ve addressed the fundamental conditions of fatness, let’s discuss the different types of people within these conditions.
These are the IRS agents of food. They zealously prattle on and on about ideas like veganism, starvation diets, and portion control. They blister others with disgusted looks when second helpings are pursued. The female species can be found wearing tight clothing, while the male version is often shirtless.
These are people who embody fatness mentally and physically.
These are people who, for all intents and purposes, should be fat, but their metabolisms won’t allow it. God has gifted these people with autonomy over menus everywhere.
My brother in law, Nolan, is an example of this. He can eat copious amounts of food and not gain a single pound. He’s competed in eating contests. Racks of ribs are like Lunchables to him.
Me? I look at a croissant and gain two chins. I totally don’t resent him for it though. NOT. AT. ALL.
+ Fat Kids
This is the middle class of fatness. They exist with varying degrees of physical appearances. Some can be chubby while others are thin. The similarity though is that all Fat Kids fight a daily Civil War about eating 6 boxes of Little Debbies or opting for the Soup and Salad. A majority of the population belongs to this subset.
+ Phony Fatties
People who talk and act like Fat Kids, but only do it self-servingly so as to fit in or make themselves look better.
A sample conversation:
Phony Fatty: I did so BAD last night. I probably gained 8 lbs just at dinner.
Fat Kid: I know, right? I ate an entire bucket of chicken, a box of biscuits, two plates of mac & cheese, and a cake.
Phony Fatty: A slice of cake?
Fat Kid: No, an entire sheet cake. Did I say slice? I also licked all the icing off the box it came in. (Pause) So what did you eat?
Phony Fatty: TWO pieces of celery and a stick of licorice. I’m the WORST, right?
Fat Kid: I hate you.
This is totally my wife. She’s always like “Hey, I’m feeling CRAZY! Let’s get a box of donuts!” And I’m all like “DONUTS?!?! YES AND THANK YOU.” And she’s like “We’ll TOTALLY split them and it will be awesome!” And I’m like “Yes! I like every word you are saying and how they relate together about donuts!”
Then, we get the donuts and my wife eats 1/28th of a single donut and says “OH MY GOSH I’M SOOOO BAD! I feel so fat,” but I don’t hear it because the sound of my jaw crushing the two donuts in my mouth drowns her out. So she says it again and leaves. Then I realize that I’ve got a box of 9 donuts and 27/28ths of another one staring me down. I think you know how that story ends. NO SURVIVORS.
If you have a TLC documentary devoted to your weight, this is you.
QUESTION / ANSWER
+ Can a Fat Kid turn into a Fatty?
Butterballs, YES. Fat Kids exist on the precipice of fatness. Think of it like Cliffhanger.Fat kids are clinging to their (somewhat) healthy selves in hopes that they don’t fall, but their fingers slipping is a real possibility.
+ Can a Fatty turn into a Fat Kid?
Yes. It’s actually the best case scenario for a Fatty. Fatness is like an addiction and Fatties turning into Fat Kids is like an alcoholic beating alcoholism. Regression is always around the corner, but they can live life as fat kids. It’s just very difficult.
+ So a Fatty can’t turn into an Anti-Fatty?
Short of a Clockwork Orange or LOST-styled brainwashing, no. Such a thing would require a rewiring of the brain and a removal of a soul that was baptized in ranch dressing.
+ Can a Phony Fatty become a Fatty?
Nope. Phony Fatties are really just Anti-Fatties with low self-esteem. They medicate themselves by pretending to be Fat Kids and feed off the disdainful looks when they reveal what their actual “fatness” entails.
+ Can Metabo-Fatties and Fat Kids be friends?
Yes, as long as most of their outings together don’t revolve around food. It would be like a recovered wino hanging out with someone who is buying round after round of shots. After a certain point, it just gets too much to take.
So hopefully, this guide will help you to understand how to navigate the intricate condition of fatness both as it refers to you and others.
Which category do you belong to?