Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The Bachelor Recap: Horses, Beefnuts and Crazy Eyes

AWWWWWWWWW YEAH BOY. It's back. We're back. America is back. LOVE, you guys, is back. I think we're all in a good place. As good of a place as we can be not having Ames around, but it's a good place.

Before we begin, I want to give you something. Three things actually:
1. A $25 iTunes gift card
2 A Hello Somebody watch of your choice shipped to you. ($25 value)
3. A pair of Toms shipped to you. ($60 value)

To make yourself eligible you can do one or all of the following:
1. Buy my book.
2. Write a 5-star review of my book on Amazon.
3. Subscribe to the email list at the bottom of this post.

At the end of this season, I'll draw names for each of the three giveaways. Buying my book gets 5 chances at winning, writing a review gets 3 chances and subscribing gets 1 chance. If you do all three, you get 10 chances (bonus point).

If you buy the book, leave a comment so I can verify it and make sure you get your added chances in the drawing. I'll reveal the winners in the finale recap and get them their loot POST HASTE!


And we're off! For love, you guys. FOR LOVE.

HOLY CRAP you guys! I almost forgot that Unfrozen Caveman Ben had something to do with wine. I was sitting in my room last night absolutely racking my brain about what that guy was about. Was it rocket science? The Dewey Decimal system? RIGHT, wine! The show didn't bang that point home enough last season so I'm really hoping we can learn more about it this season. Also, the preceding paragraph was brought to you by sarcasm.

Let's set the over/under on mentions about wine in the billions and join me as we both take the over. My favorite part? How his cavemanishness is underscored by his involvement in wine. You know he probably skews towards ditch digging or killing wooly mammoths with his bare hands, but he was probably like " You know what? Those things are so caveman cliche. I need to break the cycle. We needs some prestige." He's a lot like Derek Zoolander in that sense.

Last season on The Bachelorette...

In summation? Ben got emotionally dump-trucked. If you weren't watching, then Ben totally thought he was going to be the winner of Ashley Hebert's heart but then he got smacked down. But he handled it gracefully. And by gracefully, I mean he handled it like a pig figuring out it was about to get roasted and on a stick with an apple in it's mouth. Ned Beatty took his hillbilly rape scene in Deliverance better than Ben took his altar-dumping.

We're given some light piano tinkling and Ben's hopefully reflective voiceover. This, you guys, is standard The Bachelor/ette protocol. We're treated to seeing the Bachelor/ette in the gully of despair only to rise, TRANSFORMED. EMPOWERED! Like a Phoenix with a prominent Cro-Magnon ridge and a terrible haircut!

The rising involves the Golden Gate Bridge and Ben wearing muliple solid color shirts. There's Curious George yellow, bright red, charcoal...looks like somebody totally has a Gap card. Also, Ben tells us that he's been working hard because he's been working "4 or 5 days a week." Whoa. Settle down, Workaholic. Drink that in. He's working four sometimes FIVE days a week? Who is this guy? What's next? He only takes a 2 hour lunch break every day? How DOES he do it all?

By the way, my favorite part of the whole "Ben is a hard worker sequence"  was him watching a guy load two wine barrels onto a forklift. Nothing says "hard-worker" like watching someone else work a forklift.

Honorable mention was that bright orange tank top Ben wore as he sailed a boat. PULLING. IT. OFF.

Uh oh. Slow acoustic music. That means we're about to have a mood shift. Lots of solitude. Lots of faux manual labor. Lots of letting the fertile soil slip through rough, calloused soft, manicured hands. Lots of carrying a large piece of wood for no apparent reason. Lots of tractor driving. This guy is like Burt Reynolds crossed with the Marlboro man, crossed with the aesthetic of Tommy Lee Jones' face.

But lest we think that Ben is just some peasant day laborer, we're treated to some ivory tickling. He's like John Legend and The Rock rolled into one. Is he playing Papaparazzi? Wouldn't that be the best thing ever?

I've never juggled 25 women before. 

I love when contestants say stuff like this. GUYS - you don't have to qualify these things. Respect your audience. We have a pretty good notion of what most people have experienced. Sky Diving off the coast of Rio with Adam Levine sky diving next to you while singing She Will Be Loved? We intuitively know that you've probably never done this before so it's cool.

And the solid color streak ENDS with a plaid shirt. You guys! It's symbolic. His heart was injured and solidly morose but now it's plaid with possibility? It's probably a reach, but this show is like a Fincher movie every detail MATTERS.

There's a long zoom out shot of Ben peering off a pier (see what I did there? Classic, right? Good times.) and we cut to commercial.

Coming up on the greatest season premiere in the history of premieres: EVERY MILDLY INTERESTING FEMALE INTERACTION EVER. I feel like I could seriously stop watching now.

Back from commercial and my two favorite elements of the show are front and center: the wet ground at the bachelor/ette mansion and Chris Harrison. I'm trying to figure out which nickname is better: Chris "Hairplugs" Harrison or Chris Harrison Plugs. I'm kind of thinking the latter.

Also? Harrison is coming STRONG with the hand gesturing. Power moves, power suit, you guys. Harrison isn't messing around this year.

Harrison covers Ben's exit last year as though it was the first human encounter in recorded history where someone rejected another person. But onto business. It's my favorite part of the season: MEET THE CONTESTANTS!

Horses are my zen. 

I love her already.

Babe welcome to Dumpsville...population YOU.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. That's the greatest thing ever. Oh my gosh I'm so happy and exuberant about life right now. Who was your boyfriend, Scott Caan's character from Entourage? OH Lindzi's ex-boyfriend! You beautiful, beautiful man.

I'm tired of horsing around.

Lindzi, our relationship is 12 seconds old and ENOUGH WITH THE HORSE MOTIF. You get one more and then I send you a GIF of the scene from The Godfather with the horse in the bed.

- Girl in Camo firing a weapon. Please please please don't be from the South. Talk about retarding a stereotype.

The assailant, we learn is Amber from Nebraska. (Phew) but what we don't know is why she has villain eyebrows like Jafar from Aladdin.

I'm pretty sure when I was 5, I was eating dirt.

Hahaha wait...wut? Are you bragging or confessing?

Beefnuts are cowballs. They're a little messy and a little slimy.

Hahaha no seriously....wut? Are we really talking about testicles and did that guy really just eat said testicles?

- Kacie
This one's from my neck of the words and we mostly watch her watching Ben's season on The Bachelorette. I'm not sure if Kacie's playing with a full deck because she seems a little vacant? or maybe distracted?

The highlight of her segment was some Corgi in the background balling so hard as he went for a walk like a boss. Corgis are just the best. And as if we were wondering how serious we should take her, she does the finger hearts. Good grief.

Listen people, there's never a good time for a finger heart. NEVER. Don't we have to eliminate Kacie now? Because, think about it like this: she's had months to think about her montage. She could have fired weapons or flagrantly used horse metaphors to talk about her love life, but she didn't. She was like, "You know what? I'll do the old Finger Heart move. They'll never see that coming. And I'll even angle it so that sunlight is coming through to make it look divinely ordained." I'm just saying. Bad judgment is bad judgment is bad judgment, you know?

Courtney wants us to know very immediately that she's a model. Unfortunately though it seems like her studio is an Olan Mills. The background of her shoot looks like one of those school picture backgrounds they used in the early 90s.

Courtney not so delicately tells us that the other girls should be intimidated by her and then she expects a "a rock with at least 2 karats." She seems like a real treat.

-Jamie, labor and delivery nurse
She seems like the first genuine, nice girl with no issues...wait. Nevermind. Evidently, her upbringing was bad news. That sucks, and this may be rude, but I don't want to hear about that. I want you to show me why I should root for you, not why I should feel empathetic about your advancement. Also, this is reality TV. If I wanted depressing, I'd watch that new Tom Hanks' movie.

Did you notice how Scottsdale was voted Most Liveable City? What does that even mean? Also, this is the British chick. Let me be the one millionth person to make the "Alo there guvnah!" joke about her accent. Now we can move on... HOLD UP. What was that on her car? Was that her name, her weird, misspelled name customized on the side of her car? It was. Maybe, just maybe, Lyndsie is the UK's version of Elle Woods?

Before I can really consider that possibility, she starts yelling in all these different languages and accents and I'm just feeling overwhelmed.

- Jenna
You guys. I don't know what it is, but I'm getting a Sex and The City vibe on this one. It's not because she's a freelance writer who discusses love and sips red wine while composing cliche columns at outdoor cafes in NYC. No, you guys. It's something else. I just can't put my finger on it. If you missed it, don't worry. I'm a veteran of the show. I can pick up on these subtle, nuanced elements. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's a talent of mine.

And I know she said a lot that was probably important, but let's just talk. Let's be adults here. She has the crazy eyes, doesn't she? I couldn't stop looking at them. It was like I was looking at a tanned, more attractive Steve Buscemi.

Or you know what? Actually she has more of a Perry the Platypus vibe (from Phineas and Ferb) going on.

Also, did you notice the comforter on her bed? How many kodiak bears had to die so your bed could look fly, Jenna?

Shawn and her cleavage want us to know that she's a serious person with a serious job and we know it's serious because she has 18 computer screens on her desk.

We find out she has a son and the he's got a hellacious upper cut in his wiffle ball swing. Some coach is going to LOVE him, let me tell you. No offense to Shawn, but ain't no way a Bachelor will pick a lady with a kid. No chance. Especially one with as many technical flaws in his swing. Sorry, Gavin, but the truth hurts.


Nikki is probably going to be a frontrunner. She's prettier in her picture than in real life, but I mean, it's not like Encino Man Ben is some kind of Ryan Gosling so it's fine. Her video is mostly drab, but we find out she went through a divorce and she seems to do lot of walking through downtown Fort Worth.

Back from commercial and we get a limo full of ladies on the way to meet Ben and the soaking wet ground of the Bachelor Mansion. IT'S TIME!

Ben arrives and he and Harrison Plugs exchange some awkward small talk. Both are totally in midseason form.

At first, I was disappointed because, even though his hairline is encroaching closer an closer towards his eyebrows, I thought his choice of suit and tie were nice. But that was before I noticed that the twinkling fabric his tie was made of. Even Edward Cullen thinks that tie was too much.

Sidenote: Does anyone else think Harrison looks younger and younger every year? I bet him and the Papa Johns guy go to the same Aging Reversal Specialist.

Double Sidenote:Am I the only one who thinks that Ben might look ok with a buzz? I admire his commitment to the greasy butt cut but maybe we modernize and sleeken out the look? Maybe?

The rest of the conversation between Harrison Plugs and Ben went like this:

Harrison: Cliche cliche cliche blah
Ben: Cliche Cliche Adventure.
Harrison: Cliche?
Ben: Cliche dreams cliche cliche father's death.
Harrison: Cliche cliche
Ben and Harrison: (Mutual laughter)

Ok. I don't want to be whatever, but Ben goes on this rant about hummingbirds and his dad and basically it's like his dad's patronus is a hummingbird and then he tells us how he saw a hummingbird on the way over to the Bachelor mansion.

First of all, I call BS. Secondly, I don't know how the afterlife works, but conceivably, if we can send animals to the living as emissaries of our departed souls, I doubt Ben's dad would be like, "My son is about to go on a show and spout off a lot of hyperbole, probably cry, show of his bare buttocks, and do a lot of other things in front of America that I wished he wouldn't. You know what? I should send him a hummingbird so that he knows I'm totally good with this."

If that is all possible, and if I die and my son wants to be on The Bachelor, I'll send a flying scorpion with a hand grenade attached and see if he interprets my message correctly.

The girls arrive and Rachel is the first one out. Rachel tells us that her middle name is Rose, which I'm sure will be hugely important down the road.  Way to make an impression, Rachel. I bet next episode she reveals the name of the road she grew up on.

-Next up is Erika the lawyer with the lip tattoo. And she...no...no don't..IT'S OFFICIAL. SHE'S THE WORST EVER.

The verdict is in and you're guilty of being sexy.

I TOLD YOU. I told you that I didn't like her. She even did the guns thing with her fingers like finger guns have a place in the legal realm. WHAT DO FINGER GUNS EVEN HAVE TO DO WITH DELIVERING THEORETICAL VERDICTS?  If AIDS and genital warts had a child together, Erika would still be worse than the child of that unholy union.

And I'm not ignoring the dress. I'm just afraid that if I talk about it, it will know where I am and track me down and bedazzle me to death.

We find out her last name is Bacon and she plays the bacon card HARD. She's pushing all her chips to the center of the table and is all in. Baconator...taste of bacon...canadian bacon. How do you not work in some bacon bits there though?

Elyse is much better looking than her picture, but she seems a bit saturated in the personal trainer persona.

Find me later because I'm going to make you sweat a little bit.

Look, passion is cool and being healthy is very attractive, but people need some diversity in their life and I feel like conversations with Elyse would constantly be about electrolyte usage rate and max out reps.

-Crazy Eyes is up and she really helps out the socially awkward blogger stereotype by uncomfortably holding eye contact with Ben while saying nothing. GUH that was awkward. Is it me or does she have a Brick Tamland quality to her?
She makes the Unabomber look like Ryan Seacrest. I was more comfortable reading the Jerry Sandusky indictment document than watching that encounter. But in a different sense, Jenna certainly seems like the straw that will stir the drink this season - if she lasts.

Also, am I wrong in thinking that Jenna looks like she could have been in The Mamas and The Papas?
Clearly, Courtney is the alpha female as she gets Ben a little flustered. The trick will be hiding the condescending, obnoxious, and despicable parts of her self-obsessed personality, but early on, she seems like the far and away leader.


I like Emily. I like her dress. I like the idea behind the hand sanitizer and breath spray. But she comes off less quirky and more Emma Pillsbury from Glee. Nothing really speaks to me romantically like hand sanitizer.

She comes out with a Pacific Palisades beauty queen sash on and I OPENLY root for her to bite the wet ground. I'm curious; what must one do to be a Pacific Palisades beauty queen? Is that like the local Cali mall? Listen: you only wear a pageant sash if you win your state, country or universe. That's it. Everything else is just sad.

My first thought is that she's pretty, then I see her dress which has a gothy sensibility. Then she asks Ben how he's doing twice and that pretty much seals the deal.

BEEFNUTS! Ole Beefnuts shows up with a giraffe pelt she no doubt skinned off hours prior. I NEED Beefnuts to make it to the Meet The Family date. NEED.


A giant hat emerges from the limo and Holly riddles us this, "What are the two things Kentucky is known for?" After looking at Holly's dress, I answer silicone, but it turns out it's "beautiful women and fast horses." 

Fast horses, I'll allow, but beautiful women? In Kentucky? I watched the first two seasons of Justified and it's not exactly The OC: East. Agree to disagree, Holly.


Conversationally brought nothing to the table, but Ben seemed a little preoccupied with her friends the Push-Up twins, so probably not a bad thing for her prospects.

She steps out of the limo and a slight breeze threatens to blow her waifish frame into the Pacific ocean. Somebody get this girl a bacon burger, STAT. She bluffs about knowing wine, Ben calls bluff and Shira folds. GOOD START, SKELETOR!

There's just something about her lips/teeth. They look skeletal. I think the lips are too thin and the teeth are too big which creates a zombieish dynamic. Also, she's apparently the only Southerner that matters. Can't wait to watch her and Holly debate cotillion etiquette. (Puts gun in mouth).

We see crutches and a SEXY pantsuit emerge as Ben purses his Cro-Magnon lips. I don't envy him in this moment and if it were me, I'd sucker punch Harrison first chance I got for making this old broad part of the lady posse. Also? Awesome touch making the injured, elderly lady walk on the wet ground.

OH BOOM! We all just got gamed. Sheryl was like a Trojan Horse for her more buxomy granddaughter, Britney. A brilliant play because evidentally Britney is the only contestant with a grandmother, so she saw fit to exploit this advantage. It's totally like Game of Thrones this season, you guys!

Evidently, The Baconator is REALLY upset by the Grandma Maneuver. I can't figure her out. She's attractive and all, but she lacks a rhythm in her speaking and personality. She acts like I act when I'm on painkillers. I get really abstract and hand gestury and everything makes sense in my head but it sounds like, "What if on other planets, peoples eyes are where their mouths are and vice versa?" and my wife is all like, "This is definitely the 'For Worse' part isn't it?"

Back from commercial, Ben tells us that the "caliber of women is unreal." I'm not really used to hearing about women in terms of caliber. And shouldn't he have gone wine reference there? It's probably the grind of all those 4-day weeks just getting to him. Poor guy.

Another contender even though her dress looks like Banana Pancakes. I like that she wishes Ben "Good luck tonight." If I was Ben, I'd be "Child please, good luck YOU tonight."

In my preview, I felt like she was another contender.

Out of the limo she poses. -10 pts.
She says Thank you like "Thank yeew." - 10 pts.
Ben asks how she's doing, "Fabulous." - 10 pts.

Maybe I was wrong.

Awesome. The girl with the old people fetish detailed in her bio.

I'm an accountant so I want to give you some numbers.

Would that there was a trap door for Jennifer to be sent down. What I would give to see Ben press a button and have her fall through it as she screams her statistics on the way down.

Or what if Ben said, "Wait let me give you a number: what's the number of gingers who have made it to the end?" Then he hits the trapdoor button and she falls through while he softly says, "Zero."

I got a little hung up on the trapdoor thing didn't I? It's a passion of mine.

Here's what you need to know: she's still British and she understands rhyme scheme like I understand how to rebuild a car engine.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH She stone-cold, big times Ben on the initial meeting and Ben is all like, "Bold move."

But here's the thing: We're assuming she understands the process. I'm not trying to play up the dumb blonde thing, but maybe she just thinks Ben is a maintenance worker. Either way, I love it. The only way she gets any better is if she snaps Sheryl's crutches over her knee.


I have a confession. 

That you stole your dress from a thrift store dumpster?

That I miss my dog more than anything.

Interesting strategy. But then I remember that makeout sesh Ben had with Ashley's dog Muffins or Cupcakes or Strudel or some other dumb name and then I think that Monica's approach actually may be pretty shrewd.

I'm sure she has a great personality.

Shawn's dress fits her like my clothes would fit me if my wife didn't go shopping with me. Also, she gives Ben a hearty slap on the back as she leaves. Mmmmm. Nothing says sexual chemistry like evoking masculinity through traditional male interactions.

Pretty dress, good personality and not a bad first conversation. Maybe the finger heart apocalypse was just a lapse in judgement?

Sidenote: Holy Muscle Tone! Did you see those calf muscles?

Enters on a horse clearly demonstrating that she wasn't kidding about the horse obsession.

Let me say this: if Lindzi makes a "horseplay" reference, I feel like my anger will result in an electromagnetic pulse, not unlike the one resulting from the implosion of the hatch on LOST, which means I'll probably end up naked in the jungle somewhere. But I'm not kidding.

Ok, Lindzi's entrance and the subsequent backlash is the singular reason why I prefer The Bachelor to The Bachelorette.  Within a group of guys, if someone pulled a stunt like that, the general consensus would either be, "Douchebag," or "Touché" and then everyone would move on.

But with the women? This will be something they fixate on for the next 45 years. Some of them will tell their great granddaughters about that woman who had the audacity to enter on horse to The Bachelor. It will spurn interview comments like...

"Can you BELIEVE she did that?"

"I guess I was just raised better than that."

"I feel like she owes the horse an apology."

"I think it's just disrespectful to Ben."

"I'm really just here for Ben and not to just point all the attention to me."

It's fantastic and you're clueless if you don't think that at the Women Tell Episode later this season, Chris Harrison breaks up two fights about the incident and threatens the girls with pepper spray over their behavior.

Back from commercial and we're treated to vibrant hyperbole about Ben and his flagrant awesomeness, which brings me to one of my most treasured suggestions for The Bachelor/ette producers:

During the cocktail party, do the names, the profession, the ages and the BAC level / running tally of drinks consumed. I love watching buzzed/inebriated people talk, but knowing just how buzzed someone is would really help contextualize their commentary.

Ben gets some time with Rachel and (cue obnoxious snore sound).

I can't tell if Nicki is drunk, buzzed or just "nicely bubbily" as Ben puts it.

And can we put a moratarium on people discussing their "stuff?" Look, the median age is 27 or so, right? You don't get to that age without enduring some issues and you REALLY don't end up on a show like The Bachelor without having some baggage. So how about everyone stop acting like Harry Potter, ok?

I like Nicki's chances even after she brutally mutilated the meaning behind the saying, "Everything happens for a reason."

I'm a reason and I'm here and you're a reason and you're here and I think those are good things.

Horse Mistress Lindzi is up now and surprise, she likes horses. I'll say this though: good personality. She's definitely fast out of the gate. See? It's contagious. Leave your best horse line about Lindzi in the comments and the best ones will be in next week's recap.

Cut to Grandma Sheryl and Britney talking about her chances. Hey Britney, I'd like your chances more if you left Blair from the Golden Girls and tried talking to Ben. Just a thought.

The mojo of the room has  shifted from hating on the horse maneuver to hating the Grandma move and, surprise, it's led by OCD Emily. Listen, the game is the game. Don't be jealous because your hand sanitizer and Binaca move fell flat.

Am I the only one noticing how Ben's hair is transforming the spiritual ancestor of Ted's hair from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure?

Back from commercial and Jaclyn seizes the first impression rose and everyone is horrified that the rose might shrivel up and die from having touched Jaclyn. They should probably burn that rose now. And the table it sat on.

After that, a lot of stuff happening. Shawn, for some reason, brings a soccer ball out to kick with Ben.

THEN, Blakely shows Ben her arm and says Do you see it? like it's possible that Ben may not be able to make out the massive tattoo encompassing her entire arm. Hey Blakely? The Rover on Mars can see that tattoo, Sweetie. And for the record, even the female characters on Sons of Anarchy think that Blakely's arm tattoo is a bit over the top.

After that, Elyse makes good on her promise to Ben of making him sweat by forcing him to do pushups. Way to think outside the bun on that one, Elyse.

Dianna is up and she's another one I don't have a read on. You know those people who ask you for directions and when you're on step #3, they have the "......" look on their face? She has that in perpetuity.

She blindfolds Ben and feeds him candy and asks him to guess what kind of candy it is. Naturally, this move stokes fires of rage among the women. Though, I'm not really sure of the strategic value of this move, especially given that Dianna has packed the candy in what appears to be recycled lunch sack. No matter because Ole Beefnuts can't hide her disdain and most of the other women follow suit. This much is clear: giving Ben candy will NOT be tolerated this season, you guys.

Emily, yet another enigma, sees fit to enter the gimmick foray. Just to recap, Emily, the loudest critic of planned surprises is now onto her second surprise, a rap song. Let me say something real quick though...

Hey fellow white people, you know how black people make fun of us for our lack of flow and rhythm? This is why. THIS IS WHY. It looked like Ben and Emily freebased the Andy Griffith Show, Pintrest and Pirates of the Caribbean just before that rap went down. I still say the single greatest impression in human history is Dave Chappelle's impression of white people because it's 100% real.

And Emily? "...calculate your odds and minimize your risk, who else but your friendly epidemiologist?" You just set back white people in the hip hop industry 6 millenia. Awesome work. There's a reason PhD students haven't really carved out a niche in hip hop and your rap is exhibit A through infinity.

Still, it was a really good effort. It may have gotten awkward and uncomfortable after the first 5 seconds but still.

Did you notice how Ben claps? It's like if an alien took over a human body and was impersonating human clapping. Or if dogs ever evolve to clap, I bet they'll look like Ben does.

After the rap sesh, Courtney is the first lady on the board to claim, "I'm here for you." Next up is someone to claim that they're here for "the right reasons."

Next, Courtney drops this gem: "I'm at the point in my life where I'm a model." Fantastic. Truly fantastic stuff, Courtney. As though the model stage is one everyone goes through. I suppose the next stage is the one where she's an impossibly smart intelligence agent with a black belt in everything.

Courtney and Ben have a one-on-one that consists of each trying to one up the either in terms of ancestral culture diversity.

Courtney: I'm dutch.

Ben: I'm Dutch, Filipino.

Courtney: I'm Dutch, Filipino, Italian.

Ben: I'm Dutch, Filipino, Italian, German.

Courtney: I'm Dutch, Filipino, Italian, German, Native American.

Ben: I have great hair.

Courtney: I have great hair and high cheekbones. CHECKMATE.

Ohhhh boy. Evidently, the more intoxicated Crazy Eyes gets, the crazier her eyes gets. One eye is looking at Monica, who's eagerly playing an antagonistic Samantha to Crazy Eye's Carrie, and the other eye is staring down another glass of Champagne.

But conflict brews because of a difference in honor! Crazy Eyes, even intoxicated, believes that Monica should be willing to commit to Ben or go home! Monica disagrees and Crazy Eyes reacts like Liam Neeson after his weirdo daughter gets nabbed in Taken.

BUT WAIT! From the seeds of conflict does love flower and blossom. Monica seems to have caught the scent of a more desirable companion and that companion is Blakely. This sends Jenna into a righteous and furious anger for reasons that are largely unknown. This is where a sideline reporter would be a bold and fantastic edition. Look me in the eye right now and tell me this wouldn't be a perfect role for Ames? He would totally bring an academic clarity to a situation that, frankly, is getting very bizarre.

Back from commercial and we continue watching the defenestration of Crazy Eyes' sanity as she somehow interprets Monica's burgeoning lesbianism as a personal attack.

I'm sitting here trying to piece together how Monica being all about Blakely is a preemptive strike on Crazy Eyes and I've got nothing. I have a corkboard wall and copious notes highlighted in different colors like I'm Carrie from Homeland trying to build a timeline and track down Abu Nazir and I literally have nothing. I feel like I missed 45 minutes somewhere that explained all this.

Rachel tells us she hates conflict and then she immediately brokers a confrontation between Monica and Crazy Eyes that will result in conflict.

Maybe we should share a tampon some time.

(Record scratch)

Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Everyone...Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Everyone just...Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Everyone just breathe.

The best part about that line is that you know Crazy Eyes thought it up 2 hours prior, a la George Costanza and the Jerk Store, and she was just waiting to throw it down, drop the microphone and exist stage left. Except instead of leaving, she glowered at Monica like a feral cat. A feral cat with crazy eyes, but a feral cat nonetheless.

I consider myself a reasonably intelligent guy. Reasonably. I didn't understand most of LOST, but I can follow Parks and Recreation. But this episode feels like one of those dreams where everything is framed in familar settings but instead of your mailman being your mailman, it's an Octopus with the head of a antelope and your mailbox is a humidifier.

Ben, probably sensing a throbbing heat wave of emotion and belligerence, joins Kacie and the mentally debilitated Crazy Eyes for a nice chat. At this point, Crazy Eyes isn't even trying to appear sane. Her face is rebelling against her words and nervous ticking all over the place and even Heath Ledger's portrayal of the Joker is like, "Take it down, Crazy Eyes." Speaking of the Joker, if Crazy Eyes asks Ben "You wanna know how I got these Crazy Eyes?"wouldn't that just be the best thing ever? It would be to me. In fact, I'm putting that on my bucket list.

HOLY CRAP I GET IT. Crazy Eyes and Monica are the same people aren't they? It's like Edward Norton's character and Tyler Durden in Fight Club, right? They're polar opposites and Monica represents all that Crazy Eyes wants to be: blonde, carefree, sexually liberated, and ocularly normal. I totally just called it. MARK IT DOWN.

Ben grabs the first impression rose amid a cross cut of Crazy Eyes monologuing into oblivion. Who is she talking to by the way? Is she blogging? Is there any way I'm not reading her blog every day for the rest of my life?

Did you notice I have a rose in my hand?

Beautiful. NO DOY, BEN. Did you notice that gigantic show horse she rode up on when she met you?

If I had a first impression rose, I'd give it to him.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. HE'S THE ONLY GUY HERE. Who else are you giving it to? Unless Crazy Eyes has a male dissociative personality we aren't privy to. If she did, I bet he would be named Vincent and he would probably be an alcoholic professional fisherman on the downslope of an illustrious career.

Harrison interrupts the party and summons Ben for the rose ceremony.

Rachel tells us that anyone can go home. I'm so glad she's here this year. Diplomat, explainer of rules...her future looks bright, you guys because she's totally our Greek chorus.

Back from commercial and Crazy Eyes is lurking outside the rose ceremony for some unknown reason. Clearly, we're being setup to believe that she won't be getting a rose, which makes me think she will get one. If the producers have any say, Crazy Eyes will ENDURE.

Before we get started, let me say this: I hope Shira makes it because I think she could be capable of some massively inappropriate things if given the chance. I just don't know if this is this right forum for her, but I'm hoping so.

Was it me or did Harrison take a little off the gas on the rose ceremony explanation? Usually, it seems like he lectures for 30 minutes and provides a syllabus of how to understand the rose ceremony as well as a lab session, but it seemed like this year, he glossed over the details.


Jamie and her cleavage take the first rose.

Rachel and her really deep voice take the second one.

Blakely and her Native American-themed earrings take the third.

E-Diddy takes the fourth one.

Kacie take the fifth one.

Casey S. and the ugliest dress in Bachelor history take the sixth one.

Britney and her grandma gambit take the seventh one.

Erika....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!...takes the eighth rose.

Shawn takes the ninth rose.

Nicki takes the tenth rose.

Jennifer...GUH...takes the eleventh rose.

Elyse takes the twelfth rose.

Samantha takes the thirteenth rose.

Courtney takes the fourteenth rose.

Jaclyn....WHHHHAAAAATTTTTT?? takes the fifteenth rose. I don't envy any of the girls who get bounced tonight because they'll exit the building seeing Jaclyn staying while they go home and that will not make for warm thoughts.

Monica with the sixteenth rose.

And there's the Harrison we know and love. Glad he's here to tell us the last rose means only one left. Otherwise it would have been ANARCHY. The bonds of society would have broken down and there would have been rampant looting and Crazy Eyes probably would have been elected Czar after the dust settled and the societal disorder finally relented. Good thing we avoided all that.

Last rose...JENNA! Say what you want about the show, the Producers are clearly wise and discerning people. Captain Crazy Eyes needs to be on the show as long as refrains from violence.

Sadly, it's the end of Beefnuts. I had such high hopes for us and your cartoonishly evil-looking eyebrows, Beefnuts.

Now for the self-loathing.

Oh, Beefnuts. Don't cry. You bring your own unique package to the table. It involves hunting and consuming testicles. You'll meet your own Darryl from The Walking Dead someday and he'll sweep you off your feet.

See you next week and don't forget to enter to win for your chance at the giveaway.

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