The Bachelor Recap: Oh My Dad

AWWWW YEAH BOY. Life isn’t worth living unless the stakes for love are HIGH! Tonight, we know that the winners take all in the form of hometown dates. I feel like we’ve all been robbed meeting Blakeley’s parents, but we’re not going to dwell on that, you guys. We’re going to move on in the name of Valentine’s Day, Whitney Houston and LOVE.

Speaking of love, do you love free stuff? You should.

THE FREE STUFF YOU CAN WIN

Coming up on The Bachelor…
There’s a lot on the line guys! Breathtaking sights! Hyperbole! Love! Ameezing! Exclamatory exclamation marks! There’s a Courtney/Rabbitface intervention. DRAMA! TNT knows drama and so does The Bachelor, you guys because it LOOKS like Ben has a come to Jesus meeting with Rabbitface. OR he’ll just tell her that “Remember that time we went skinny-dipping? That was awesome. High five.” 

Exotic butterflies? Jungle fortifications? Unrelenting drum beat? The transcendent mist from a MAJESTIC waterfall? A small single engine plane that isn’t much to look at but has tons of heart? Looks like it’s time to trek the jungles of loneliness… FOR LOVE!

Our favorite caveman eschews chopper travel for a small plane. The copter must have been double booked because this is strange, you guys. This show is ALL about helicopters so this clearly is a symbol of strange things being afoot in this episode. We may see Kacie be articulate or Emily not be socially incompetent. WHO CAN KNOW THE SHENANIGANS THAT LIE BEFORE US?

Ben tells us the stakes which are, brace yourselves, high. Also, we get a return appearance of the world map globe and I’m pretty sure it was designed by the people who design the insides of Hollisters. Love that little portion of the show. I’m hoping it becomes a fixture because it brings a certain gravitas to entire production.

But MOST importantly? We get the debut of Ben’s fantastic tank top. Good stuff, you guys. I’ve seen bigger guns at Toys R Us, but no matter. Let’s just drink in the sight of Ben in a tank top like it is a awkward glass of lukewarm water. Paleozoic fashionista? PALEOZOIC FASHIONISTA.

We get a shot of a native carrying something on her head. In case you didn’t know, this is meant to tell you the culture shock just got real. When you see people carrying huge stuff on their heads, that means you are not in a America anymore and you aren’t even in rural Florida anymore. You are now in a place where things get carried on people’s heads.

Ben talks but all I can think about is that tank. Do you think he picked it out? Or did the producers? Is this a joke on Ben that the wardrobe head is playing on him? Or was he forceful about it? Maybe Chris Harrison was like, “Hey bro, you may want to cool it on the tank top?” And Ben was like, “No way, toupee. If the tank goes, I GO.”

My heart is captivated and captured and capricious and capital lettered and capricornish.

Lots of cap- words being launched us right now.

The girls arrive via plane and Nicki plays the part of orienter to the episode. I think that’s become her role. She’s not going to win, she isn’t the prettiest, she’s probably a little thicker in the britches than Ben likes and her voice has the intonation of an awkward but mildly successful local politician… but she knows how to state the crap out of the obvious, so good for her on that I guess.

Kacie: I was hoping that this would be easier and I have the feeling that this is a kind of a motif in her life for the grocery store, Wheel of Fortune and those squiggly words the computer makes you type in when signing up for a new account online.

The place the girls are staying at is gigantic. I think the places are getting huger and huger as the girls get whittled down. This leads Emily to go on an ill-advised rant about Courtney being a shark? Hahaha. You are terrible at being mean, Emily. First of all, I think the running joke has been about Courtney having an awful Rabbitface but great job jumping off that momentum train.

But seriously, she says that sharks sleep-in and then attack? I didn’t think sharks slept much if at all, right? Even if they do, don’t they keep moving? Basically, what I’m getting at is that Emily could have picked any other animal in the entire kingdom both where the light does and does not touch and that analogy would have worked. But she picked the one animal whose sleep cycle is completely unique. She might as well have called Rabbit a breastfeeding triceratops if logic is now off the table.

Seriously, Emily is most certainly not the egg mcmuffin of insulters. She’s like the breakfast burrito of insulters.

Look who it is. Chris Harrison shows up to shower the girls with inconsequential chatter about nothing. He seriously takes 10 minutes to explain that getting a rose means a) you stay on the show and b) next weeks show is a hometown date, which means you go on a date in your hometown with Ben…on next week’s show. Which is next week.


CHRIS HARRISON WARDROBE UPDATE
Not much to report. We didn’t see his shoes though, so consider this incomplete. I imagine that he’s wearing vibram five fingers though because he seems like the kind of guy who would wear them with a business casual look.

Harrison passes out the one-on-one card and Nicki wants it which means she isn’t getting it. Lindzi gets it and tells us she’s excited.

Nicki is not excited because it’s the last time she’ll ever get to spend time with Ben before the 2012 apocalypse occurs. What’s that? There’s THREE more dates during the episode and Nicki will definitely get some special time with Ben? Well I don’t know what to say because her emotional breakdown makes much less sense now.

Things are really real for Nicki and that makes it real. Doesn’t this feel like the episode where Nicki gets kicked off? Seriously, what does she bring to the table besides narration skills? Lookswise, she’s a destitute person’s Courtney (who isn’t exactly a 10) and personality-wise, she’s a leperous person’s Lindzi, so basically there is no reason for her to be around after this episode.

Back from commercial and Lindzi again observes that she’s excited for her date with Ben. YOU GUYS! I think she may be excited for her date with Ben. I can’t tell though. I wish someone would just ask her,  right?

HOLY ABERCROMBIE! Ben shows up in a Baby Gap tank with a delightful little pocket on the left chest. So many emotions are flooding my soul right now but the good thing is this: Ben is captain of the SS Tank Top and he’s prepared to go down with the ship.

Also, doesn’t he look like what a normal person would look like if they dressed like the guys from the J. Crew catalog? I bet Twilight was having a closeout on all Taylor Lautner’s wardrobe and Ben was up all night on eBay for that.

Lindzi and Ben leave and Nicki looks like she wishes she could have a laser cat to shoot Lindzi in the face with with and Emily makes ANOTHER terrible analogy, this time with cheesecake and swim trunks? Is Ben the swim trunks? Or is he the cheese cake? Or does he symbolize free will? Emily PLEASE STOP MAKING ANALOGIES BEFORE YOU JINX THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND MAKE IT BREAK UP.

Who cares about Emily and her stupid analogies though because we going in a helicopter y’all. It’s been 10 minutes and there hadn’t been a helicopter yet so I know you guys were getting antsy. And if you are playing the Bachelor drinking game at home, seeing a helicopter means DRINK.

Lindzi makes a speech about being speechless and Ben says that their view is cray-zay. 

Lindzi also tells us that once she met Ben, she realized that she wanted marriage and love and kids. I guess it’s good she met him? Obviously before, she wanted just tons of cats and pantsuits? I didn’t think Ben could have that affect on people but I mean she just said it in a helicopter so it must be true. And there was emotional piano music so we know that it was heartfelt too.

Ben tells us that he has a surprise for Lindzi of swimming in the blue hole of Belize. But TWISTY MCTWISTERSON! They’ll be jumping out of their helicopter. And for effect, the camera pans back to make you think that they’ll be jumping off the space station or something.

AND OH MAN you are NOT going to believe this either. Lindzi is afraid of heights. Who saw this coming? Who could believe that a contestant on the show had a fear of heights? It’s so STRANGE! So counterintuitive! And I bet they NEVER ever thought that this would come into play.

Hey future contestants, here’s a thought: when a producer says, “What is your worst nightmare?” don’t tell them the truth. Tell them a chocolate fountain or a calzone or a spa day. Don’t tell them heights or letting a spider lay eggs on your face because it’s basically going to happen at that point.

The tone shifts and we hear Mission Impossible music telling us two things.

ONE 
This just got DOUBLE real.

TWO
Ben is going to make a drastic leap of logic and give this moment more importance than it should have.

Lindzi says Holy Sushi Balls! That was crazy! I feel like every contestant is saying the Sushi Balls expletive this year?

Ben tells us that he’ll never forget that moment as long as he lives. Really, Ben? That’s like me saying I’ll never forget that time McDonalds gave me 12 nuggets in a 10 piece container. Ratchet the stupidity down a bit, Guy.

I feel like when I’m with Lindzi, there’s nothing we can’t accomplish together.

Or just blow it throw the roof. Whatever works.

Also, I think the one thing they won’t be accomplishing is being able to not say stupid hyperbolic things that have no basis in reality. They cannot accomplish that.

Today I literally fell out of a helicopter with Ben. But I’m also falling for Ben.

DID YOU GET IT! OH MAN THIS IS A HUGEGANTIC MOMENT! It’s like the two worlds of metaphor and reality merged together into this beautiful syntactic statement of perfection. She was totally meaning that in dual ways! It was like the unicorn of sentences because it’s doubly true!

It was so good that they decide to makeout and the makeout continues on the boat.

Lindzi tells us that THIS was the deciding factor of falling in love with Ben. When I fell for my wife, it was the culmination of a few years of relationship-building and dealing with trials and issues. But all along, all I need to do was take a 20 ft jump out of a helicopter in Belize. GUH! Nobody tells you the stuff you need to know.

Back from commercial and string music tells us that it’s sexy intimate time. She references torches that I’m pretty sure don’t exist, but she DOES manage to use warm and fuzzies AND butterflies in my stomach within 3 seconds of each other. Also? She’s extraordinarily orange. Like oompa loompa orange. I don’t want to tell her how to put on makeup, but maybe we pump the brakes on the bronzer? Or at least change the color from Cheeto mist to something from the tan section.

They share some brutal small talk. Seriously, it’s bad. It’s more uncomfortable than watching the new Lilly on Modern Family.

This is great.
It is.
This week is important.
You are right about that word you used.

Courtney talks and infuriates Kacie because Kacie can’t understand all her fancy words or maybe it’s the sentiment making Kacie mad? I’m not sure, but she calls Courtney “conceited” but I think we all know that in her mind, Kacie’s brain spelled it “conceded.”

The next one-on-one arrives and Rachel / Snaggletooth reads it out. It’s Emily’s. Good. Maybe she can stop making awful analogies to the camera now.

Do you Belize in love?

Which matters more to you? That Ben quoted a Cher song or that I knew he did without looking it up? It’s the latter isn’t it?

Rabbit and Nicki go on suicide watch because they didn’t get the date.

Back on the date, Lindzi, Ben and Lindzi’s hair all look like they’ve had a few too many as Lindzi returns to the “falling from a helicopter / falling love metaphor.”

Also, this is the second time I’ve heard Lindzi say the word “important” weird. I think modern humanity says it like “im-POR-tant” but she says it like, “im-por-TTANTT” It’s so strange. Like when your elementary school teacher would says temperature “temp-a-TOUR.”

Lindzi thinks that she’s taking a leap of faith by telling Ben that she wants him to meet her family? Ok, sure, but not really. But the important thing is how Lindzi has put that “leap of faith” metaphor into slavery now. Leap and jumping and falling in love all work on her plantation now and she doesn’t even let them use the bathroom inside just like Mrs. Hilly Holbrook!

Ben gets a GENIUS idea to write a note and put it in a bottle, no doubt, so somebody can receive it and learn more about the most idiotic pseudo-relationship in history. You know the guy who gets this message is going to be shipwrecked on an island and find this bottle with a stupid message about love and falling and leaping and a helicopter and you know what he’s going to do? He’s going to slit his throat with the broken pieces of the bottle. Not because of his shipwrecked plight mind you, but because his life was no longer worth living after reading the idiocy on that piece of paper. He’ll take it as a sign from God that life isn’t worth living anymore. That’s totally going to be the legacy of this message in a bottle. It’s going to make people want to kill themselves. Kind of like the plot construction of The Vow.

Ben is my Prince Charming because…he is a Prince Charming. He’s my Prince Charming.

Loop of infinite stupidity? LOOP OF INFINITE STUPIDITY.

I can’t even repeat the story they wrote together. It’s such a heatbreaking work of staggering idiocy. And Ben talks about it like he’s Neil deGrasse Tyson talking about astrophysics. I feel like my forehead is about to implode.

Back from commercial and Emily is SUPER excited. OH MAN. I’m super excited that SHE is super excited because that means this will be different than all the other dates.

Emily gets on a plane by herself so no helicopter (WHAT?) but it’s ok because the plane Emily is on almost hits Ben on the runaway but he ducks down to dodge it. PHEW.

Ben is also super excited about this date because it’s laid back and easy-peasy. MAN we were so close to hearing him say lemon squeezy and that basically would have been the peak of human vocalization. MAYBE NEXT WEEK GUYS!

Ben and Emily’s date involves riding on bikes with baskets which most certainly is not jumping out of a helicopter and writing messages in bottles about it, so we have a big disparity already.

Emily tells us that she cannot imagine a better date than riding a bike around a tiny village and busting up a local game of basketball. I’m sure they were thrilled to have Encino Man and his girlfriend commandeer the court for a few minutes to toss up airballs. I mean Emily IS a Tarheel after all.

Ben decides that they should have lobster for dinner and the lobster guy says that they have to go get it themselves and this makes Emily celebrate weirdly. Like she was happy, then she realized that this was much more than picking a lobster with rubber banded claws out of a grocery store tank.

But it’s cool anyway because next thing we know, they are on a boat and the Lion King soundtrack is playing.

Emily tells us that her favorite part about Ben is how he’s so spontaneous and open to adventure. PAUSE.

I find it troubling that Emily’s self-proclaimed favorite part of Ben is based on the assertion that he’s adventurous and spontaneous. All she knows of him have been framed utterly and completely through the adventures orchestrated  because of the show. That’s like someone being in America only for Halloween and stating that they love America because everyone gives you candy.

Evidently Emily and Ben really did think that hunting for lobsters would be easy. They did not expect lobsters to react adversely to a hook being jammed up their anus for the purposes of being eaten. Who knew, right?

Emily calls the day magical. Let’s recap real quick: crude coconut drink…bikes with baskets…busting up a 2-on-2…dodge pissed off lobsters. YEP. They were right. That WAS the perfect day.

Back to the house and the Rabbit is throwing down some caution as though she MAY not let Ben release the personality kraken on her family. YEAOK, Rabbit. She’s probably one of the neediest contestants in the history of the show. In fact, she’s so needy that she’s acting non-needy so that she’ll manipulate Ben and the show into giving her camera-time. You know what that is? NEEDY-INCEPTION.

Back from commercial and we get more from the Rabbit. Evidently she has a journal? I love that. I bet it reads like Jack’s unfinished novel from The Shining.

Ben and Emily dance, makeout and essentially be really white and don’t at all stick out among all the other village people.

Ben asks Emily his “toughest question” of “are you ready to introduce me to your family?” and basically it is the equivalent of an employer asking you what your biggest weakness is. Was there any chance somebody was messing this question up?

Emily answers correctly and gets reward with some makeout time. A couple of things:

ONE
Emily appears lacking in natural makeout talent. She looks like a mother bird feeding her babies. HOWEVER…

TWO
She makes up for this lack of talent by jamming her tongue into Ben’s mouth. We can assume this is a metaphor / commentary on Emily: Naturally talented? NO. Hardwork? YES.

Back at the house, the rest of the girls threaten self-immolation if they each don’t get the one-on-one.

Lindzi reads the note and it’s the Rabbit, which sucks, because I would have LOVED to see her endgame. I don’t know what Rabbit’s nuclear option would be, but I can assure you it would include nudity, her nose getting really red and probably bloodshed.

This makes Kacie call her a something bitch and then follows that up with “It’s not because I’m jealous of her, it’s because she’s the BLEEP piece of person I’ve ever seen in my whole life.”

ISOLATE AND ANALYZE!!


…because she’s the BLEEP piece of person…

Either Kacie just had a stroke or she’s awful at cursing. I rewound this so many times that my dog left the room because all the emotional tension in Kacie’s voice was just too much. The “piece of person” part really threw me for a loop. Most expletives follow a natural path and rhythm so backing into the exact phrasing isn’t difficult, but Kacie’s turn of phrase is like a distinct language all to itself.

Kacie, not yet done, wants to give us a visual of her feelings. She tells us that Courtney is a black widow and this black widow is in Kacie’s hand and Kacie smashes the black widow with her other hand. Hmmm. So blunt and forceful but yet eloquent on a primitive level.

Back from commercial and Courtney is dubious about the direction of her relationship with Ben. She remarks that he needs to step his game up and I think Ben got the message because he put on his best red top, frayed shorts and Air Jordans and flags her plane down like a true gentleman.

I feel like the spark has fizzled. 

Ok. I’m not a scientist or anything, but do sparks fizzle? I thought sparks sparked and flames fizzled? I don’t think sparks have time to fizzle. You imagine how strange this is to me because I really assumed that the Rabbit was a Master and Commander of the English language. I lost a hero today, you guys.  I think we all did.

Ben and Rabbit go to a Mayan temple from 100 BC. If there is anyone on the planet that an ancient Mayan temple is lost on, it’s 100% Courtney.

As they walk up, Ben informs her that the particular plateau they are on is definitely where the human sacrifices took place and Courtney says “Oh totally” like Ben had said something like “Wouldn’t a three way with Kathy Bates be strange?” I have no evidence of this, but I’m thinking the historical context of this Mayan temple may be entirely lost on the Rabbit and her uber-self obsessed construct.

Rabbit complains to Ben that she had a tough day yesterday and I get the feeling that Rabbit has a lot of “tough days.” She goes on to tell Ben that she was totally ready to not accept a rose from him if she hadn’t gotten a one-on-one and that she isn’t entirely sure that he should meet her family. A few things…

ONE
Something tells me that this is going to work on Ben because he’s emotionally stupid. A smart guy would be like, “This date is over” and make her walk back to civilization. But something tells me that this manipulation ploy is going to work and Ben is going to affirm his affection for her with an airbrushed tank top or something.

TWO
I cannot WAIT to meet the awful human beings responsible for grooming Rabbit into the Grendel of a person she is. The only way I’ll find them acceptable is if it’s two grey wolves and we found out that they raised Courtney from the age of 10 months the best way they knew how.

Back at the resort, Kacie, Nicki and Emily dish on how awful Rabbit is and Kacie starts talking so fast that she can’t use her words well so Nicki gets her a juice box, tells her to rest now, and translates it all for Emily.

Kacie goes back to the Black Widow well and they all arrive at the conclusion that Rabbit is worse than a black widow that has genital warts on its genital warts.

Back to the Mayan temple and Ben plays into Rabbit’s hands. Which is a great move by the way, because it’s also great to encourage and indulge a potential mate’s WORST qualities.

Courtney goes on to make the Mayan temple, where innocent people where mutilated and murdered, a metaphor for her’s and Ben’s relationship. Bravo, you guys. I get the feeling that they may as well be climbing on top of a Wal-mart.

They sit on top of the ruins and gaze at the beauty of the landscape and Ben says Oh my Dad and in doing so, he wins a lifetime achievement award for worst segue into talking about a personal tragedy and an honorable mention for worst and most emphatically beaten horse in the history of time.

He says it again in case the collective mind of America glossed over what he’d said and when he did, he explains that he sometimes says that when he feels close to his dad, which virtually guarantees that this is the first time he’s ever done it.

I seriously would rather be one of those lobsters that was in danger of having a hook jammed up its butt than have to watch anymore of this.

But let’s not underplay the monumental nature of the moment because only Ben could figure out how to take a self-obsessed ugly model, an ancient Mayan torture temple, and reality show about love and shoehorn his dead dad into it. I’d laugh, but I can’t stop my ears from bleeding.

Ben thinks his dad is looking down on him and feeling proud. I think his dad is probably saying something like “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Back from commercial and we see a sunset and waves. You guys, Ben’s dad must have orchestrated all that because I saw it and thought, “Oh my Ben’s Dad.”

Rabbit talks about nothing and Ben tells us about some kind of Vision Quest he had on top of the temple including his dad, the future and Blakeley’s tattoo of Popeye having sex with Charles Darwin and Mama Cass.

Rabbit says something about the show being over and makes obnoxious shooting noises before saying killshot and holding out two fake guns street-style. But which one was the killshot? Were they BOTH killshots? Was it for multiple people?  Ben then kisses her like he’s trying to extract a wisdom tooth.

Back at the house, Snaggles, Kacie and Nicki get the group date and they all sit around talking about how Rabbit is the worst. Kacie tries out her Black Widow theory again for everyone and they’re all like, “Sweetie, you need to relax on the Black Widow stuff.” And she’s like, “But I saw a dockyoumentarry on em. I got em on the brain.” And they’re all like, “Sweetie. Charlotte’s Web isn’t a documentary. It’s a movie” and Kacie is like “UHGREE TO DISUHGREE.”

Back to the date and Rabbit talks about how put upon she is and how she’s the best human ever and all the other girls are not the Egg McMuffin’s of human beings.

Ben asks if Courtney has a lot of friends and she says Yeah but clearly means no but then she says that She has lots of guy friends and Ben’s face makes the Scooby Doo noise.

Ben tries to respectfully make a point about how existing among the girls is a commentary on her as a person and Rabbit effectively counters with how her job disputes that. Because she’s a MODEL, see. Models are notoriously diplomatic and thougtful of all other people. It’s why most of the UN are former models and why all mediation doesn’t go through people skilled in matters of litigation but through MODELS because they are fair, balanced, wise, reasonable, and awesome.

Back from commercial and Ben wakes the group date girls up with a bullhorn. Not really, but he should have. You don’t know someone until you hear how they react to you for violating their REM cycle.

Ben and the girls enjoy the boat and some AM champagne and Ben tells them that they will be swimming with sharks. Nicki and Kacie celebrate while Snaggles is not pleased because sharks are Snaggle’s biggest fear.

Also? Someone should probably tell Kacie that sharks are the black widows of the sea because I’m fairly confident that she’s confused sharks and dolphins. Nicki’s just glad she hasn’t been voted off yet.

You have some fears of sharks?

Best question ever. I love it. It’s like Ben has never seen shark week where those crazy flying sharks leap out of the water bite the sushi balls out of some low flying bird and make bystanders say “Oh my Ben’s dad.”

The guides throw chum into the water and I have to admit, everyone seems strangely cavalier about swimming with sharks and chumming up the water. Kacie jumps in because she’s always wanted to swim with dolphins, Nicki does because she’s desperate and Snaggles does because Ben jumps with her.

Snaggles monopolizes the entirety swim session and Kacie and Nicki are pissed about it.

Back from commercial and the group dates move to the resort pool.

Did I mention that Nicki is desperate? I mean desperate in the emotional sense and not at all in the sense of wearing a top that exposes as much of her breasts as the FCC will allow.

Ben spends time with Kacie and he’s like, “How do you know you are ready to bring me home?” and Kacie has the look on her face that says, “I WAS TOLD THAT THERE WOULD BE NO WORD PROBLEMS.”

Kacie B. wins the group rose!

She’s like a little girl to me. A little girl in a little boy’s body.

Rabbit is so good at talking. This is such a troika of layered nuance and insult that we’ll just have to take her word for it.

Ben opens the floor for communication about Rabbit and everyone is like, “Awkward,” and then Ben is like “Permission to speak freely,” and then everyone is like, “Courtney is worse than syphillus.” Except for Kacie who is like, “Courtney is like a black wi…” but Nicki gently shushes her with a finger across the lips and tells her to get everyone drink refills and that she’ll time her ON YOUR MARK GET SET GO.

Back from commercial and it’s cocktail party time.

I’m thinking it’s Nicki and Snaggles on the line, right?

I’m not sure if anyone realizes this, but this is a huge ceremony tonight and the roses mean SO much. I just feel like I needed to say it because no other person was commenting on it.

Courtney: Ben’s not the only guy in the world.
Emily: DID SHE JUST SAY THAT BEN’S NOT THE ONLY GUY IN THE WORLD?

EMILY YOU HAVE GOT TO RELAX. Granted, no one likes Rabbit at all. But she’s right, Ben is not the only guy in the world.

The only reason she is saying this is that her aloofness stands in contrast to your obsession with being selected so if she IS rejected, she won’t seem devastated. It’s a ploy called impact preparation. I actually just made that up but let’s just go with it.

Chris Harrison comes out to say Ben is ready and he doesn’t even need to drink Pina Coladas with the losers because he doesn’t want to get loser on him.

Back from commercial and we see stone-faced monuments which CLEARLY means that things just got serious.

Chris Harrison does the analytics and mathematical implications of the roses and how it factors into pi.

Ben comes out in a tie from Tony Sopranos closet. He asks for time with Courtney because he wants to know that she’s in it to Ben it. CLEARLY though, he’s about to axe Snaggles and Nicki and he just wants to know that Rabbit is for real before he axes two people that are more genuine and willing to do some weird stuff to prove it.

Everyone anguishes over the WHY and I’m wondering why he didn’t just have the cocktail party in the first place?

ROSE TIME!

First rose – Nicki. Whoa. I completely misread that. Does this mean Emily is gone?

Second rose – Lindzi. Makes sense.

Emily begins chiming in through voice-over on how Courtney is DEFINITELY going home and it is immediately evident that Emily is the one in trouble because the producers usually have the subtlety of a mushroom cloud.

Last rose…. The Rabbit SURVIVES!

Emily looks stunned and Rachel tells us that she feels very rejected, which makes sense because you were literally just now very rejected by Ben. So that’s probably why you feel like that. She tells us that it’s another disappointment, but the bigger story is about why she is wearing no shoes?

And neither is Emily? Do people in Belize not wear shoes? Can we agree that this was probably a mercy kill for Emily? I would have loved to see Emily’s presumably intelligent family come to grips with the possibility of Ben in their lives.