Guys. Hey guys. Guys, guess what? IT’S THAT TIME. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. It’s Bachelorette time and you and I need to talk about the dude contestants. Not going to lie. This group is STRONG in terms of material. I literally opened the link to peruse the guys and immediately started slow clapping life and ABC and super vain people everywhere for making this possible.

It’s important to note this: there’s a lot of room for tonal errancy in these descriptions. Case in point, last season, Ames sounded like Judd Nelson’s character from The Breakfast Club, like he was a total a bad aspirin with nothing to lose who was hooking up with women left and right. Come to find out, he was actually like a more educated Gabe from The Office with a debilitating lack of social intelligence. So take these bio sections with a piece of salt that’s so big that it could have wrecked the Titanic.

LAST THING: for the hotness scale, I subcontracted that ranking work out to my good friends Amanda Bast, Jessica Buttram and Tamara Lunardo. Given that they are females, it felt more right to have them rank dudes than me.

 

Aaron

Aaron looks like he got pulled out from teaching his Defense Against the Dark Arts class for this picture.

Age: 36

36? Who should I call about not getting around to that intervention you needed because you were considering reality TV at THE AGE OF 36? Only the Real Housewives do this. Wait. Oh he’s Canadian? That explains it. I guess age is metric up there? Is he really 18? Or 24? Guys, I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE NO MATH.

Occupation: Biology Teacher

If I was going to make a huge sweeping generalization about biology teachers being historically boring, this is probably where it would go.

Hometown: North Sydney, Nova Scotia, Canada

Was the Canada part necessary? Is that how Canada does it I guess is what I’m asking? Do I need to introduce myself as Knox McCoy from Chattanooga, TN AMERICA? I’m kind of good with that so let’s make it official.

Describe your idea of the ultimate date?

SIDENOTE: I like that the question is about the ULTIMATE date and not the PERFECT date. Ultimate makes it sound like a warrior battle royale with  swords, meat platters that are on fire and people like Ron Swanson and Chuck Norris are throwing bricks at each other.

I’ve been on dates in a variety of settings but very few of them (if any) had conversation that was stimulating, funny, thought provoking, etc. all rolled into one. I guess what I am saying is its the person I’m with more than the activity of the date that really determines if it is an ultimate date or not.

Aaron. I want to be up front with you. That answer was not only the worst answer in the history of answers, it made me want to become a scientist so that I could clone a T-Rex with the sole purpose of having it eat me. That’s how soul-destroying unimaginative your answer was. It made me want to achieve a high level of self-destruction.

Do you prefer a woman who wants to be pursued or a woman who pursues you and why?
Because I am relatively shy on making that initial contact, I love it when a woman pursues me. It shows confidence and that she’s not your average woman. Hot.

Holy Awkward Answers. Aaron. Did YOU put that superfluous hot in there or did it just will itself into existence? I’m just trying to imagine a Canadian biology teacher saying it and I keep blacking out.

Median Hotness Rank: 7

 

Alejandro

I have good feelings about you, Alejandro. You remind me of the Colombian version of Usher. I can’t express just how happy I am for you to be wearing those earrings. I think we’re going to get along great.

Age: 25

Occupation: Mushroom Farmer

MORE good feelings.

Hometown: Medellin, Colombia

OHHH just like Pablo Escobar? Did you see that movie about him starring Vinny Chase? I heard it was the WORST.

If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why?
A picture of my mom so I can keep fighting, a knife, and duct tape (that stuff always comes in handy!).

I feel like he totally wasted the picture one. Why not put the picture in a locket you wear around your neck? I’m assuming that don’t drop you onto the deserted island Terminator style, so that totally nullifies the picture choice and gives you something else to use.

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?
Yeah – my mom always says that a good man provides for his family, but a better man makes his girl fall in love with him every single day.

hahahahahhhahahahahahahahahahaha. TOTALLY.  Kids gotta eat? Who cares, BRO. It’s all about making my girl fall in love with me every single day. ALEJANDRO! I think we just became best friends.

What super power would you choose to have? Why?
See the future so I can change it!

ALEJANDRO! Didn’t you see The Butterfly Effect with Ashton Kutcher and the fat guy from My Name is Earl? YIf you mess with the future, everyone turns goth or something and Staind becomes really popular again.

Tattoo Count:
N/A

HAHAHAHA. Alejandro! Were you unsure? It’s just a number. Did you ask for a lifeline?

Median Hotness Rank: 6

 

Alessandro

HAHAHAH Really? Alejandro AND Alessandro? I hope they instantly become bitter rivals and speak exactly like Puss and Boots. That’s what I want.

Age: 30

Occupation: Grain Merchant

Hometown: Uberlandia, Brazil

Alessandro. Be real. Is that even a place? It sounds like the fictional home of a energy drink brewery.

Do you speak any languages other than English?
Portuguese and Spanish

I bet we’ll NEVER hear him showcase that like ever.

What is your greatest extravagance?
I spend too much money on outdoor gear.

UGH. Who wants to bet that Alessandro has one of those OBNOXIOUS bumper stickers with a bike on it and a huge arrow saying that bikes have the right to basically all of the road?

Do you like to go dancing? If yes what is your preferred type of dancing?
Yes. Anything, electronic the most.

Wait, what? You like to electronic dance? I’ve been married for too long. Isn’t that a style of music? Moreover, so in summation, you’re a grain merchant, who likes to spelunk and dance to electronica. Granted, the question feels like it was worded by Vladimir Putin but style. I’m not sure I have a read on Alessandro yet.

Median Hotness Rank: 6

 

Arie

I don’t know. Arie’s name just really bothers me. On a name only premise, I’m torn between wanting to compare him to Ariel from the Little Mermaid or Ares from Greek mythology and in terms of appearance, he looks like Meredith and Derek’s grown up son from Grey’s Anatomy. SO MUCH GOING ON.

Age: 30

Occupation: Race Car Driver

(Record scratch noise) Seriously? This suitor is a race car driver much like Emily’s late husband Ricky Bobby was? What are the odds that this wasn’t super orchestrated? Negative infinity? DOUBLE negative infinity?

Hometown: Den Bosch, Netherlands

Of COURSE he’s from the Netherlands. Just kidding. I don’t know what that means. I just know that Nordics are cold people because that’s what Betty Draper said one time.

What is your greatest achievement to date?
Driving in the INDY 500!

I would have respected it more if you didn’t have the exclamation point. It feels to self-congratulatory like you couldn’t want to drop that detail. I figured Meredith and Derek would have raised you better.

What’s your best date memory?
When we took my motorcycle and rode to the park for a picnic. After we rode to the lake and went cliff jumping, it was an awesome day.

Arie, reading your answers is like  listening to my 3-year old describe his day. That isn’t a cut. It’s just reality.

What is your motto?
Drive fast take chances.

Shouldn’t there be a read squiggly line under that sentence? OR is his disregard for grammar a deeper  commentary on taking chances? OH MAN my mind just got blown.

Median Hotness Rank: 6

 

Brent

Good grief, Brent how old are you?

Age: 41

FORTY ONE? What do your grandkids think about you coming on the show?

Occupation: Technology Salesman

Hometown: Midland, TX

Oh great. TEXAS. Emily does have a thing for big dumb Texans evidently.

What are your favorite activities to do in a group?
Love pulling out the boat in the summer and loading everyone up spending the day on the lake. Soccer, golf, etc.

Wait. Soccer and golf on the lake? To be fair, it felt like an elementary school teacher asked him the question. Is the next question, “What kind of books do you read around the Story Time Rug?”

Also, if etc means “end of thinking capacity” I like how he tapped out at soccer and golf. He’s all like, “THAT’S IT. The alpha and the omega of group activities. That’s all one brain can handle.”

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?
I’m a closet romantic. I only show the one I’m in love with.

This just felt weird. I don’t know why. It’s almost like he said, “I’m a flasher romantic; I only tear open my metaphorical trench coat and expose myself to the one I’m in love with.”

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being with your life partner and sharing memories and always making more.

Wait. So he’s used “closet” and “life partner” in consecutive sentences? That’s either really unfortunate syntax OR an unveiled attempt to reveal himself. And that isn’t homophobic. It’s just curious when you use verbiage normally reserved for homosexuality in your interview about a show that prostitutes out the worst of heterosexual love.

Tattoo Count:

6

SIX? Brent, you are officially a wild card.

Median Hotness Rank: 3

Charlie

Meet one of the front runners.

Age: 32

Occupation: Recruiter

A line of work with a natural edge on a show like this.

Hometown: Worchester, MA

What is your greatest fear?
RATS!!!

Charlie doesn’t like rats, you guys.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Every dog fed and every child with a roof over his head.

I love it. I like how he led with every dog fed. You can tell that’s where his heart is at. Like if Charlie is ever in Congress and they are passing a bill of legislation that he sponsored and it’s the Feed Dogs and Shelter Kids act, and the government makes sure that every kid has shelter but there are some dogs still NOT being fed, I can see Charlie flipping over tables like Jesus in the temple. “I DISTINCTLY SAID DOGS FED FIRST AND THEN KIDS GET SHELTER.”

What is your motto?
Live everyday like it’s your last.

Boo. What Taylor Swift song did you get that from?

Tattoo Count:
2

Location:
Right and Left Arms

We would have accepted “Arms” or “Both Arms”

Median Hotness Rank: 7

 

Chris

Chris looks like when a movie has a defined antagonist and that antagonist has a doofus sidekick who talks big and then gets totally disposed of in a humiliating way.

NO! You know who Chris is? Gerard Butler’s uglier younger brother Gerald Butler.

Age: 25

Occupation: Corporate Sales Director

Hometown: Bartlett, IL

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why?
Rascal Faltts – Their music seriously gives me goose bumps
Zac Brown Band – Awesome chilling music
Johnny Cash – Rebellious

I’m not familiar with Rascal Faltts. What are some of their songs? I just feel like I need to know about a group that seriously gives you the goose bumps. Also, pro-tip, when interviewing for a gig about making a girl fall for you, just avoid using the phrase goose bumps.

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?
Yes because I’m always trying to find the net best way to romanticize a woman.

HAHA what? You’re trying to figure out the best way to interpret a woman as romantic? I don’t think you know what the word ‘romanticize’ means, Big Guy.

Do you prefer a woman who wants to be pursued or a woman who pursues you?
A woman who wants to be pursued. I like a girl that plays hard to get. It’s like a competition.

HAHAHA CHRIS I LOVE YOU. Who are you competing with? Her? That’s like saying Usain Bolt is competing against the gold medal for the gold medal.

Median Hotness Rank: 5

 

David

I feel like his neck has been photoshopped. That can’t be real can it? Can we call him Offensive Part of the Male Anatomy Neck? No, we can’t? UGH FINE. Pez Neck will do.

Age: 33

Occupation: Singer/Songwriter

WHOA guys. Double threat alert.

Hometown: Charlottesville, VA

What is your most embarrassing moment?
On stage at a packed venue I dragged my keyboard over about a foot and it was situated under a boom stand which was there by catapulted into the 3rd row. In the live recording you can hear the clamor and unanimous “OHHH” from the crowd.

Essentially, this was an awful story that he just wanted to tell so he could communicate that he plays in packed venues. Also, how many episodes until he performs an original number for Emily? I say 0.5.

Who are your top 3 favorite groups/artists & why?
Nirvana, Pink Floyd, Soundgarden have all inspired me ineffably.

Ineffably huh? And Soundgarden? You’re going with that? I like how he used ineffably. It’s such an out of context SAT word. It’s like me saying that the breakfast buffet I went to was the exemplification of culinary pulchritude.

Do you consider yourself a romantic and why?
Absolutely. When I’m romantically involved with someone they consume so much of my attention. I find myself smitten and day dreaming about her often.

Yeah that kind of sounds more like obsessive than romantic, David.

What is your worst date memory?
I went out on a date with a girl who was a fan and everything started out beautifully and after just a couple drinks she spiraled into this emotional tirade about how she knew she “wasn’t good enough” for me. I realized she had some serious issues *upstairs*.

Guys, look at your table and if your spinning totem has finished spinning, you’ve emerged out of Douche-ception. Essentially, David told us that story to suggest that a) there’s a large pool of women who love his music AND want to date him and b) deep down in the solar core of all of these women’s emotional centers, they ALL know that David is so good at awkwardly using words and talking himself up that they can’t possibly be good enough for him. It’s official: DAVID IS THE WORST.

Median Hotness Rank: 7

 

Doug

You don’t meet a lot of Dougs anymore. Also, doesn’t he look like the guy who almost got a callback to be in a boy band during the 90s but never actually did?

Age: 33

Occupation: Charity Director/Real Estate Agent

Hometown: Seattle, WA

If you were stranded on a desert island what 3 things would you bring with you and why?
Salt water to fresh water kit, a fishing pole with appropriate lures and a flare gun with lots of flares

Again with the flare gun. There’s always one of these idiots who answers the question like this. LISTEN: You are on a deserted island. You’re either all in on being deserted or you are all in on trying to escape. Saying you want a flare  gun means you want to escape, but you’ve just chosen a primitive, stripped down method of doing so. It’s like my wife telling me that she’s hungry and instead of making her a sandwich, I hand her a spear with a dull arrowhead as the tip.

Instead of a flare gun, ask for a satellite phone or HMM I DON’T KNOW maybe a helicopter that flies itself. Dream big, DOUG.

If you wanted to impress a woman what would you do and why?
Be there very time they needed me so that they know I was dependable. Not enough guys know how to take care of people anymore.

Wasn’t that answer depressing? It was so vague and ambitious. Like he wanted to sound deep and have a commentary on society, but it just came off like something Ronnie would say on The Jersey Shore.

I hate it when my date:
Is hard to talk to or rude to people or only cares about superficial things.

Or speaks in run on sentences?

What’s your best date memory?
A really long hug at the end of a first date with my ex. Neither one of us wanted to let the other go. It was nice.

Wait. What. Wait. Hold on? How many first dates did you have with your ex? Was she your ex when this happened? DOUG ARE YOU ON DRUGS RIGHT NOW?

Median Hotness Rank: 6

 

Jackson

Age: 29

Occupation: Fitness Model

Why do I get the feeling that Jackson will spend 80% of the show with no shirt on? I can just sense these things like an arthritic joint senses rain.

Hometown: Chicago, IL

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why?
Derek Jeter – He not only plays but is one of the all-time greats at my favorite sport, baseball. Also he is like a god in New York City, the greatest city in the world.

Right other than the fact that Alex Rodriguez has always been a better SS so technically Jeter’s  not even the best SS on his own team. But sure, go ahead and talk about things like you know all about them, Male Model. We love to hear your kind use words in sentences.

What super power would you choose to have? Why?
Flying – I’d never sit in traffic again.

Yeah, maybe if you are just driving you, your shirtless body and an iPhone around. But what if you have to move your house or sit in a funeral procession? Are you going to be the jackass flying above a funeral procession? You clearly haven’t though this through.

What’s your worst date memory?
Girl asked me where I thought “this” was going at dinner on the first date. I was speechless for the first time in my life.

WAIT. What is “this”? This as in your body or this as in like the hull of the ship that is your potential relationship? That means everything in the story, Jackson.

Median Hotness Rank: 5

 

Jean-Paul

Good grief. Look at the name and the eyebrows. I was genetically designed to hate this guy. He looks like a Soap Opera villain. He kind of looks like if Ted Mosby and Cousin Larry had a baby, right?

Age: 35

Occupation: Marine Biologist

OH BROTHER. We will now call him JP Zissou.

Hometown: Moraga, CA

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done?
Quitting my job, selling everything I own and jumping on a plane to travel the world for 6 months – all within 3 weeks.

Do you know anyone who seems like they do stupid stuff JUST so that they can drop it as a footnote in a conversion?

Who is your favorite author?
Malcolm Gladwell right now.  I’m very interested in Behavioral Psychology and his books are so well written and easy to read.

I like that he puts ‘right now’ like he’s such a dynamic that his answer could change at a MOMENT’S NOTICE. Like if we ask him tomorrow, it could be Chuck Palahniuk and then the next day it could be Snooki and then it could be Ann M. Martin the day after that.

Describe your idea of the ultimate date?
Sitting on the beach under the stars wrapped in a blanket talking about our greatest fears, biggest dreams and life. There would be tons of cool stuff before that, but this is how it would end.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I’m sorry. There’s just an episode of 90210 where this happens so that pretty much makes you either David Silver to Emily’s Donna OR Dylan McKay to Emily’s Kelly. Either way, I’m just glad someone convinced you to make an answer like that public.

What superpower would you choose to have and why?
Pacifier powers. So I could calm people down preventing wars & conflicts and just get people to chill out.

I guess “pacifier powers” works but it just sounds like a kids’ show on Nickelodeon. Also, I like that they guy who wants to be able to mediate world conflict describes it as “just getting people to chill, brah.”

Except he’s french right? He has to be with that name and the super Euro arrogant smile. So it would be more like, “I wood get ze people to mediate their dee-faranzees over crepes and Woody Allen movies, yes?”

Tattoo Count:
0

On his delicate skin? Are you kidding?

Median Hotness Rank: 5

 

Jef

Instead of making a joke about asking where the other F went, we’re just going to name him One F Jeff.

Honorable mention joke: “So what was it like having Shawn Hunter as a big brother growing up?”

Age: 27

Do you think he meant to take a picture looking like he was wearing a toupee he found at a yard sale or is that a thing now? I’m asking. Also, doesn’t he totally look like a school picture from the 90′s? Hey One F Jef? I have a great feeling about this season with you in it.

Occupation: Entrepreneur

Hometown: St. George, UT

What are your 3 worst attributes?
Impatient, Perfectionist, Fun Loving

So One F Jef, exactly how is fun-loving a bad attribute? I know you can say it’s counter-productive or whatever, but every quality can have a dual purpose. Hypothetically, I  guess you could say that being intelligent is bad when used in the context of watching Cougar Town.1

Do you prefer “hot spot” type clubs or low-key bars and why?
Low key I like to talk

Cool. That came across like a creepy text message, but let’s just keep going.

Tattoo Count:
1

Location:
Arm/wrist

Evidently this tattoo is on that no man’s land plot of skin between the wrist and the forearm. I’m so glad he clarified by bridging the gap and specifying its location, you know?

Median Hotness Rank: 4



  1. In the FACE, Cougar Town! [↩]