Hello, Knox McCoy and everyone else reading that was probably just looking for the latest Bachelorette Recap, FOR LOVE! My name is Dr. Awesome, and I’m going to be doing a regular guest feature around these parts. I understand the best way to introduce yourself is to do one of those fake FAQ things where I make up a bunch of questions to ask myself.
So let’s do that.
Me: Who are you?
Me: I’m Dr. Kenneth E. “John” Awesome, professor of badicalness and herald of all things terrific. I have multiple PhDs, and am Board Certified. Which board? All of them. Not to brag on myself, but I know a little bit about everything.
If there’s a place in the universe where math, science, literature, theology, philosophy, and psychology converge, you’ll find me there, eating a delicious sandwich. I’m here to answer your queries and drop bombs of wisdom.
Me: Why should I ask you questions or listen to your advice?
Me: Assuming you want to continue living a life of abject mediocrity, you shouldn’t.
Me: Didn’t you have a blog of your own once upon a time?
Me: I did. I retired a couple of years ago, due to burn out. Between my regular blogging duties, my regular husbandly/fatherly duties, and training for my first Ironman triathlon (which would have been easier had I not mistakenly thought you had to do the whole thing in Ironman’s armor suit), I didn’t have the fire anymore.
But since I stepped out of the limelight, many bad things have happened, like record heat waves, the Fukushima meltdown, and the inexplicable popularity of Taylor Swift (who always looks like a donkey trying to maintain balance on a sheet of ice). Clearly the world is not doing well, and so I must come out of isolation pronto.
Me: What have you been doing since you retired?
Me: I know you are expecting me to reveal some strange and magnificent story of battling enemies near and far, rescuing distressed damsels, and engaging in various acts of gallantry and majesticalness. You are hoping that my exploits of the last year will be adapted into the most ridiculously awesome movie you have ever seen, with the role of me being played by someone decidedly less handsome than I am, so that you won’t be jealous.
You would not be shocked if I was the creative voice behind the recent series of Old Spice commercials. The truth is, I did all of that, and also I went fishing.
Me: Why make your comeback as a guest feature on Knox’s site rather than your own blog?
Me: I respect Knox and regard his work in high esteem. I appreciate our internet friendship and consider it an honor to be teaming up with him with or anything else. I can’t think of any other outlet on the internet where I’d rather be. Also, I forgot my password.
Me: Who are you really?
Me: Dr Awesome is actually the creation of a couple of 30-something dudes with wives, kids, over-active imaginations, and a penchant for hyperbole. The goal here is for some Hollywood type to discover us and take the ridiculous ideas we come up with while sitting in our cubicles and turn them into a well-received tv show. Then we can be rich and drive around in hovercrafts.
Isn’t that the dream of every 30-something guy, to get one of those hovercrafts like GI Joe had that go everywhere and are indestructible? Perhaps doing a stint as a guest blogger is not the quickest path to hovercraft glory, but we’re patient, especially with a can’t-miss plan like this one.
Me: Get back in character please.
Me: That’s not a question, but ok.
Me: If I have a question for you, how should I submit it?
Me: You can leave comments, or email me directly by clicking here. I’ll pick the questions that need to be answered.
Me: FAQs are supposed to be questions that are asked frequently. Do you get these questions often?
Me: No. The two questions I’m asked most often are “can you change the baby’s diaper, it is nuclear!” and “can you help pilot this submarine, it is nuclear!”
Me: Anything else?
Me: I just want to thank Knox for this opportunity. I’m making a Covenant of Hovercrafts with him, such that if any of my posts lead to hovercraft-level riches, I will let him ride a few times.