I know. Lots of Channing Tatum talk recently. Lots of people thinking about him (mostly women), lots of people talking about him (mostly women) and lots of people trying to understand him (mostly men).
Basically, he’s in this position because he did Magic Mike which was like Charlize Theron doing Monster except in the exact and entire opposite. That, combined with a backlog of not terrible movies has vaulted him into the airspace of movie stardom and we’re all waiting to see if he can navigate the atmosphere and remain in orbit or if he flies too close to the sun like an oiled up Icarus with super tight abs.
But what everyone is missing is the larger question of whether or not he’s the Antichrist, right? Admit it. You were totally just sitting there thinking about whatever you were thinking about but it totally was not Channing Tatum’s potential anti-christness. Don’t feel weird. I didn’t say that to be like “AH HA. You suck at detecting who might could be the Anti-Christ.” I’m just pointing out the truth and spreading awareness.
So let’s consider it. Could Channing Tatum be the Antichrist?
1. He will rise from obscurity…a “little horn” [Daniel 7:8]
Tatum was born in Cullman, Alabama and grew up mostly in Mississippi. Even in the South, we would call this obscure and most of the South is comprised of obscure, Flannery O’Connerish places so this would totally qualify.
While he did spend his teenager years in Tampa, he dropped out of Glenville State College in West Virginia and eventually became a stripper. OBSCURITY SCAN COMPLETE.
2. He will confirm a covenant with “many” [Daniel 9:27]
This one is so obvious, right? Tatum totally has an unspoken covenant with women who like his body, his mumbly speech patterns and times when he does strippery things.
Also, he has to have some kind of covenant with movie directors who keep giving him parts despite his range being broody everyman to broody dancer.
3. He will only honor a “god” of the military. His whole focus and attention will be on his military. He will conquer lands and distribute them [Daniel 11:39-44]
This has to be talking about Tatum’s GI Joe movies. Also, his character’s background in Dear John. LOL JKJKJK no one saw that movie. Except for me. (Somber silence). I was forced to see that movie by my wife. FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE AMIRITE?
4. His name will be related to the number six hundred and sixty six—but not necessarily in an obvious fashion [Rev 13:17-18].
Out of curiousity, when is Chan’s birthday? Oh that’s right. It’s April 26th, 1980. It’s not June 6, 1966 or anything so I guess he’s not the Antichrist. BUT WAIT. WAIT. I HAVE AN IDEA. Let’s look at it with math! Mathematically speaking, Channing’s birthday is 4/26/1980.
Ok still not overtly antichristy, but what if you look at it like this?: 4+2 = 6 and then take the other 6 and you have 6 / 6 / 1980. That doesn’t mean anything, right? WRONG. 9 + 8 – 1 = 16 and then 1 X 6 = 6 leaving us with 6 / 6/ 6.
GUYS. I think Channing Tatum IS the Antichrist.