It’s that time of every 4 years that is so awesome and great because everyone has opinions on everything but we’re all too shy and polite to share them. (LOLOLOL JKJKJKJK. That was a fun sentence to write.)
It’s Election time which is like Christmas except not in that instead of presents you get opinions populating your social media feeds which is not what social media feeds are for, guys. It’s for talking about universally galvanizing things like what we had for lunch, how tired we are and how Taylor Swift is SO insufferable. It’s certainly not so I can listen to people I kind of know talk about how ignorant my worldview may or may not be.
Anywho, if you are sitting there and having an existential crisis or you are trying to provoke an internal epiphany about how to act about politics, I wanted to give a few suggestions on how not to be the worst ever when it comes to talking about politics.
1. Don’t be snarky.
I know. I KNOW. iknowiknowiknowiknow. This is so hard when the (FILL IN YOUR PREFERENCE) Party are clearly (FILL IN YOUR PREFERRED INSULT) and they would also love to see MERICA torn asunder and fed to the Rich People OR Socialist Lunatic anarchists. I. Know.
But when you get snarky about the other party, it makes you look like a bad word. I have a few ideas of which kind of bad word but this is a family blog guys so I’ll leave that to your wonderful imagination. This could be like a Choose Your Adventure situation but it’s more like Choose Your Derisive / Offensive Term.
The point is, as empowering as snarkiness is, and as much as it makes people who agree with you go, “LOL YAY GREAT POINT,” it makes the people who DISagree with you not like you by 45%1 because not only are you disagreeing with their world view, but you are also being a turd about it. Forty five percent is a lot of percentage to have your being likedness reduced, guys. Don’t forget that.
2. If you HAVE to be snarky, share it with people that you know share your worldview.
I have a friend (Tyler Tarver) who gets super riled up about a particular actor (Ryan Gosling) because his adulation for the actor is such that my friend (Tyler Tarver) cannot even be reasonable about the actor (Ryan Gosling). So why would I constantly pepper my friend (Tyler Tarver) with opinions and sentiments about that actor (Ryan Gosling) like ” he’s grossly overrated” or “he talks very little in his movies and when he does, he sounds like he’s a Jewish girl from the Bronx.” Why would I say things like that to my friend (Tyler Tarver) about his favorite actor (Ryan Gosling)? It’s just rude.
But if I had a group of friends that hated the actor in this example (Ryan Gosling), then who cares? I’m not antagonizing my friend (Tyler Tarver) and I’m getting to vent my frustration with other like-minded people without being rude, turdish or having my likeability reduced by 45%.
3. Understand that your snark isn’t a conversion mechanism.
Never in the history of anything ever has someone insulted someone else’s worldview and that person be like, “You know? They are right. I can sift through their insufferable rudeness and see the rightness of their opinions and the wrongness of mine. I will choose henceforth to believe JUST like them.”
That has never happened and there’s a better chance of me seeing that sex movie with Tommy Lee Jones and Meryl Streep than your rudeness converting someone to your beliefs. And let me tell you: I am NEVEREVEREVEREVEREVEREVER seeing a movie where Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones are trying to figure out how to have sex again.
I’m pretty sure that if Voldemort had hidden one of his horcruxes within one of the craggy wrinkles on Tommy Lee Jones’ amazingly craggy face, that the Dark Lord would still be alive today so beyond that movie being about old people sex, there’s Tommy Jones’ craggy face to think about in addition to all that horror.
So when you are feeling compelled to compose a particularly saucy message about politics on your preferred social media platform, consider these three tips and maybe everything will be perfect and cordial between political parties from here until Election Day. Most likely not though.
What tips did I miss?
- Not a verified number. PURE speculation. [↩]
Gosling is Canadian. They don't even have politics up there. I don't see the connection. Maybe I missed the point?
GOSLING IS A METAPHOR FOR HOPE. Try to keep up please.
this is best post you've written today.
Dream big, right?
How about when people ignore issues and focus on physical appearance. Instead of stating facts, they're like, "She's kinda wonky-eyed! He's ugly! My party is hotter than your party!" And then America literally crumbled into the ocean. It's hard to rebuild underwater.
You're my hero. I'm speaking to Ryan Gosling here. What's extra fun is how most people won't say anything in real life conversations but then go off on Facebook like road ragers who can speed off if someone makes a good point against them.
Knoxxy, a friend of mine from TN shared your blog out once and I've been enjoying your posts so much. You are a huge scoop of awesomesauce on my friday. This was hilarious. Thanks!
great post Knox! had me laughin the whole time…especially the gosling part. its impossible to argue pollitics in 140 characters…it's stupid…just like craming a debat on predestination in 140 characters.
sucks!
Your 3rd point is especially a winner. (Maybe minus the reference to that movie, 'cause that's just gross.)
Another tip? What about after the elections when people feel the need to gloat over their victories, as if they've won the votes themselves? Sometimes I think post-elections are even more miserable.
And seriously, what's with all this hype about Gosling? I. Don't. Understand.
Knox, hold for one second, this is important….ARE you voting for Ryan Gosling for President?
Or friendship awaits your (Knox McCoy) answer.
Wait….Ryan Gosling is one of our choices? This changes everything. Well, unless he's a socialist lunatic anarchist, and even then he'd probably get my vote.
It's not often a man looks equally enticing clean shaven or bearded. Those kind of candidates are hard to find.
I'm going into hibernation until this all blows over, can someone tivo football season for me?