It’s political season so everyone is whatever about everything and everything is the worst and people are angry about everything like Romney has too much money and Obama is too Obama and UGH. You just want to yell at people and be like, “WHAT ABOUT THE REAL ELECTION ISSUES?”
So since I have a blog, I wanted to a discuss real election issues that I want addressed in the governmental overhaul of hope and everything that people are promising. Thereforth, we will be embarking on a new series called Election Issues where we tackle the real items Americans want resolved. Today, the issue in question is movie review reform.
REALITY: Every movie you see promoted on TV is called “THE BEST MOVIE OF THE MILLENIUM” in some kind of capacity. It doesn’t matter if a Nigerian Prince said it, Frank from the Modesto Free Press or a homeless guy when pressed about it by an executive associated with the movie. Every movie is supremely superlative and that goes from There Will Be Blood to Breaking Dawn Part 8.
Obviously, this system is dysfunctional and unstable. How are we to know which movies to see if we can’t trust what anyone says about movies? Sure, there is Rotten Tomatoes, but which critics are worth listening to?
PROPOSAL: We need a Movie Review Cabinet. It’s a national election that is voted on every 2 years. We elect a Cabinet head and then a panel of 6 additional Cabinet members. Collectively, these cabinet members work together to give a score to new movies so that the general public can know what is good, what is decent and what is garbage.
The head of the cabinet will be the presiding member and will break any ties among the 7.
Every movie critic across the country will be required to submit a score for a prescribed amount of movies prior to their release. This will be their record and it will be used by the American public when considering who to elect so exchanges like the following will prevent buffoons from being elected into office:
“Oh this guy seems good.”
“No, he wrote that Abduction with Taylor Lautner was the ‘greatest action movie of the last decade’.”
“What about this lady? She seems pretty level-headed.”
“No way. She said Jack and Jill with Adam Sandler ‘was a laugh riot multiplied by 2′.”
“Multiplied by two?
“Multiplied by two. You know because he plays both charac…”
“No, I get it. I just didn’t want to get it.”
The American people elect Cabinet members based on an actual, visible record, consecutive terms can’t be served so there’s no 104 year old member still talking about Nosferatu or The Birth of a Nation and members are able to be recalled at a moment’s notice for a particularly bad review.
GUYS. Movie ticket prices are too high, concession prices are too high and movie popcorn is only SO delicious. It’s high time to reform the way movies are promoted.
What do you think?
Got a Real Issue you want addressed? Email me about it here OR email me if you want to write it yourself.