Hello internet patrons. Dr. Awesome here, ready to tackle your first batch of questions.
Let me begin with a moment of sincerity, I have not received as many inquiries as I had hoped. I can only imagine this is because you guys were like “of course I want my life to be more awesome but what should I ask to make this happen?” Let this be the first question I answer: ANYTHING.
It could be about anything from fashion…
+ Sleeveless t-shirts, yes or no?
If you’re working in the yard or hanging out on the beach, I say sun’s out, guns out! Otherwise, the more material between me and your pits, the better.
+ If one dude is riding on a motorcycle with another dude, where are appropriate places for the passenger to put his hands?
On the handlebars of a different motorcycle.)
You see? Easy. Let’s get started with some real life questions now:
+ I’m getting a Vasectomy this week. What does that mean? Tyler from GA
Well, for one thing, it means that obviously our schooling system has failed you. Let me educate. Vasectomy comes from two Latin words, “Vas” meaning “cut” and “ectomy” meaning “in the junkular region.” So a vasectomy is when you inexplicably pay someone to take a knife to your private parts, to help you avoid reproducing.
Personally, I would pay people to keep knives AWAY from that area. In fact, I’m not big on tattoos, but if I ever got one it would either be A) a tattoo of a ruler drawn to scale around my biceps so I wouldn’t have to tell people who are constantly approaching me about their size (why yes, those are 26 inch pythons, thanks for noticing) B) something on my inner thigh that says “NO KNIVES BEYOND THIS POINT.” Also, I apologize for mentioning my inner thighs.
As far as the contraceptive benefits, when I want to avoid reproducing I just check our budget and start asking my wife lots of questions about Ann Taylor and her Loft of Expensiveness. That usually does the trick. Anyway good luck with the crotchal surgery. This week I will listen to that old Stone Temple Pilots song “I’m Half the Man I Used to Be” and think of you.
+How often do you howl like a wolf and where? – Jacob
This better not be a Twilight-themed question. If it is, clearly you’ve already visited Tyler from GA’s doctor. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that there are only a couple of times a man may howl like a wolf.
One, you are a member of a one man wolf pack. Or two, your name is Patrick Swayze and your group of teenage friends is repelling a Soviet invasion on American soil. The only time I ever howled like a wolf was the time Mrs. Awesome mentioned the idea of me getting a vasectomy. Any response of enmity is acceptable at that moment.
Tyler from GA and Jacob, I hope this helped you as well as anybody else out there that may have been wondering about the frequency of wolf howlages and crotchal surgeries as I am sure there is some sort of correlation between the two.
If you have any questions or more suggestions for a Vasectomy soundtrack, please let me know in the comments or email me by clicking here.
May the awesome be ever in your favor.