Hello all, today we have some very important questions to answer that include the Presidential debates and cargo shorts so let’s jump right in.
+Did you watch the Presidential debate? Who should I vote for? – Tom
I have watched all of the debates so far, yes, primarily so that I’ll have a frame of reference when SNL makes fun of them. As for who you should vote for, well, I don’t know what issues are important to you. Jobs? The economy? Foreign policy? Social issues? For me, there is one issue that trumps all others.
There have been some rumors circulating over the past few weeks about an impending bacon shortage. I have no idea if that is true or not. But as far as I’m concerned, if there is ever even a hint of the United Freaking States running out of bacon, then we ought to toss the entire government into space forever and replace them with people who will put a stop to travesties of this magnitude. Frankly I don’t know why this subject isn’t discussed more. If I’d been at the debate last night, you better believe I’d have asked about it. “Defecit, shmefecit, let’s talk bacon” is something I probably would have said.
Anyway, rumors of a bacon shortage happened on Obama’s watch, and that’s more than enough reason for me to be anti-incumbent. Geez, US Government, do your freaking job. Or get someone in there who can, like Wendy. Have you seen a Baconator?
+ A buddy’s wife called his cargo shorts a “wearable purse”. How long should she sleep on the couch? – Ricky Anderson
I wouldn’t call cargo shorts “wearable purses”. I’d call them “fanny packs for the thighs.” And we all remember how silly fanny packs were back in the day. Some inventions age well. I remember when I was little watching an informercial for this spring-loaded fishing pole. You set the pole in a holster on the shore, cast the line into the water, and waited. When it felt a bite, it set the spring off, and the fishing pole launched whatever it was hooked to (fish, old boot, small child) way onto the shore, possibly into the lower earth orbit.
I have no idea if it worked, but it looked amazing, and the idea at least sounds plausible to me. Contrast this with a fanny pack, something that clearly has not withstood the test of time. Aside from the weirdness of wearing a fanny-anything, what’s the point in keeping all your valuables in a comically large pouch around your waist? You are not a kangaroo. Fanny packs are stupid, and you’re fooling no one by relocating fanny packs to the thighs and calling them cargo shorts. Here’s a good rule to live by: if you can picture a celebrity carrying a miniature poodle in something, that something should not be sewn onto your pants. Sorry Ricky, but I’m with your buddy’s wife here. He needs to get some normal shorts before a family of homeless pets tries to take up shelter there.
While I know we may not all agree on such divisive topics as presidential candidates and cargo shorts, I think we can all agree that the debates and cargo shorts are pretty awful, right? Even more so, we can all agree that the presidential debates would be exponentially more entertaining if the candidates had to discuss their views while wearing cargo shorts with small dogs in the pockets.
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