AWWWWWWW YEAH. It’s that time of year.  It’s miserably cold, everyone feels overweight from all the holiday eating and we cope with this by watching beautiful idiots with perfect bodies try to wrap their heads around love…FOR LOVE. And we all agree that this is mostly glorious.

This is Part 1 and Part 2 will be running tomorrow.

ALSO, be on the lookout for a weekly podcast recap I will be doing with Jamie Golden and Tyler Stanton. We’re recording an episode that previews things today and we’ll be following that up with a recap each week. Subscribe to the Xtra Bacon podcast on iTunes to make sure you don’t miss an episode of us talking about this season.

 

Amanda

Age: 26

Occupation: Fit Model

Hometown: Bakersfield, CA

REMINDS ME OF… Someone who would have had a three episode arc on Dawson’s Creek. Like she would have been interested in Dawson but Dawson was either inaccessible because of his love for Joey, his love for movies or because he was distraught about the fact that his mom was a home-wrecker.

Best Snippet(s) from her bio…

*What is your favorite all time book and why?*

The Shack – it’s emotional and humbles you.

Interesting. This may be literally the first time I’ve heard someone reference The Shack in 4 years. It used to be SUCH a big deal. People were freaking out because God was a black woman or something and then The Help happened and I guess we all stopped being racist because that lady pooped in a cake or something and Mrs. Hilly got what she deserved.

But anyways, ALL TIME, Amanda? ALLLLLL TIIIIIIME? That’s kind of a crazy book to pick for all time. That’s like saying The Hangover was your favorite movie ever. Was it good? Sure, but ALLLLLL TIIIIME good? Debatable. And I know I’m debating your opinion, but whatever.

*What was the most romantic present you have ever received and why?*

I was offered a prada bag or the same amount of $$ donated to a charity that we would volunteer at (I went with the second)

This is such a counter-productive answer. Her intent was to make herself look awesome, but in the process, she made it obvious that she wanted to look awesome so she just looks shady like she goes around bragging about how much charity work they do. This is like donating money to build a building to help cure AIDs in nymphomaniacal turtles but also stipulating that the building has to bear your name, a big oil painting of you in the lobby and a bronzed sculpture of you counseling nympho turtles in front of the building.

Likeability Factor: 5.5

Knox’s Objective Hotness Rating: 8

 

 

Ashlee

Age: 32

Occupation: Personal Organizer

Hometown: Houston, TX

REMINDS ME OF… I don’t know. A less attractive Gisele and infinitely more attractive Fergie?

Love the two e’s, though. But at this point, the case could be made for adding three e’s because it’s like, why not? In for a penny, in for a pound, you know?

Secondly, personal organizer? That exists? I’m not ripping you, specifically because, hey, if you can get paid doing something, then get paid. Someone once said, “If you are good at something, why do it for free?” While it was the Joker in regards to nefarious criminal activities, the point remains, I think.

Best Snippet from her bio…

*If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why?*

Adele, I want to hear her story behind her music.  Then I’d have her sing to me the rest of lunch.

Isn’t the story behind her music in the actual lyrics? I feel like she’s pretty clear about things like finding someone like the guy she just broke up with or setting fire to the rain and what not.

Likeability Factor: 3

Knox’s Objective Hotness Rating: 6

 

Ashley H.

Age: 25

Occupation: Fashion Model

Hometown: Garner, NC

REMINDS ME OF… The evolutionary Lisa Turtle?

Best Snippet from her bio…

*Would you consider yourself adventurous or conservative?*

A bit of both; There’s a time for work and a time for play.

AND THERE’S A TIME FOR SKINNING ZEBRAS. Ashley, how many zebras had to die so that you could look fly?

Likeability Factor: 15

Knox’s Objective Hotness Rating: 7

 

Ashley P.

Age: 28

Occupation: Hair Stylist

Hometown: Macomb, MI

REMINDS ME OF… a less attractive Khloe Kardashian.

Best Snippet from her bio…

*What is a typical Saturday night like for you?*

Going out with my best friends and their fiances/husbands.  Whoever/whatever.  My 2 closest GF’s all do dinner and get ready together.

We’re just going to gloss over the fact that your answer sounds like the condensed version of a Ke$ha song. I want to hone in on the fact that you live in Macomb, Michigan, which after a quick Google search reveals that it’s a super small town in Michigan. And, no offense to Michigan, but I’m pretty sure your township isn’t on the cutting edge of culture and nightlife. In terms of variables, where you live is pretty close to where I grew up so I’m imagining all these husbands and fiances and your closest GFs eating at a Five Guys and then walking around Target. Tell me if I’m wrong.

Likeability Factor: 5

Knox’s Objective Hotness Rating: 3

Brooke Age: 25

Occupation: Community Organizer

Hometown: Pittsburgh, PA

REMINDS ME OF… Someone who is not going to make it past the first episode.

Best Snippet from her bio…

*What is your favorite memory from childhood?*

Teaching myself how to ride a bike after asking a neighbor to take the training wheels off my bike.

Did this make anyone else sad?

Likeability Factor: 7 (because of the training wheels story).

Knox’s Objective Hotness Rating: 4

 

Catherine Age: 26

Occupation: Graphic Designer

Hometown: Seattle, WA

REMINDS ME OF… I can’t think because the way she is holding her arms is so distracting. It’s so uncomfortable. It’s like she’s taking a news team picture and this is her individual but she’s caught between busy and awkward. And graphic designer? Really? She looks like a professional campus guide for the local liberal arts college because she had such fond memories of her time there and majoring in Awkward Arm Holding.

Best Snippet from her bio…

*Who do you admire most in the world and why?*

Anyone who can look beyond themselves and unselfishly help others. Giving more than they may have. They are an example for us all.

UGH. This is the worst kind of answer. Any time you answer in ideals and not specifics, it seems lazy and disingenuous. This is a moment where you humanize yourself. Say you look up to the inventor of toasters strudels. I don’t care. Anything is better than broadly stating platitudes.

*What are the top 3 things on your bucket list, and why?*

To eat traditional pasta in Italy, to go skiing in the Alps, and to ride an elephant in Thailand.

Traditional pasta? As opposed to what, anti-diluvian pasta? What a pretentious answer. You’re probably the kind of person who just learned about what traditional pasta is and has been thrusting it into every conversation?

Likeability Factor: Negative Infinity Everything

Knox’s Objective Hotness Rating: 6.5

 

Daniella

Age: 24

Occupation: Commercial Casting Associate

Hometown: Belmont, CA

REMINDS ME OF… Doesn’t she look like a character from Glee or Nashville? I don’t know why I went musically themed TV show, but she just does. There’s a little Kristen Chenowith to her.

Best Snippet from her bio…

*What are your three best attributes?*

My positivity, drive, heart.

This was a dumb answer  so whatever, but let’s discuss this: Knowing that Sean is from Texas, knowing that he played football in college and knowing that the odds of him being familiar with Friday Night Lights are greater than 90%, wouldn’t it have been a good strategy for someone to answer this question as “1. My Clear Eyes 2. My Full Heart 3. My Disdain for Losing.” I mean I think that’s a reasonable gamble to make.

*What is your most embarrassing moment?*

Falling flat on my face in High School in front of my biggest crush!

Are people still saying biggest crush?

Likeability Factor: 5

Knox’s Objective Hotness Rating: 6

Desiree

Age: 26

Occupation: Bridal Stylist

Hometown: Northglenn, CO

REMINDS ME OF… I don’t know why but for some reason I imagine her with a deep voice.

Best Snippet from her bio…

*What is your favorite all-time book and why?*

“Eat, Pray, Love” because it’s a personal journey of overcoming and finding love and happiness along the way.

Of course it is. OF COURSE IT IS. I feel like Eat, Pray, Love is becoming the go to for shallow, white women of means like Catcher in the Rye is the go to for crazy people.

*I love it when my date…*

Isn’t trying to be someone else or act different to impress me. When they can be candid and goofy and let the date proceed naturally.

“Let the date proceed naturally” is just the best turn of phrase for describing a date, isn’t it? It sounds like she’s observing the mating process of Sea Turtles.

Likeability Factor: 4

Knox’s Objective Hotness Rating: 7.5

 

Diana

Age: 31

Occupation: Salon Owner

Hometown: Salt Lake City, UT

REMINDS ME OF… someone who would have a purse with animal feathers on it OR someone who has an almost unhealthy obsession with a male country music star.

Best Snippet from her bio…

*Do you prefer team sports or solo sports and why?*

Solo sports – I never played on team sports. Skiing and golfing are the two I enjoy.

Can’t wait to see the psychology behind that answer unfurl itself during her time with 24 women in one house.

Likeability Factor: 6

Knox’s Objective Hotness Rating: 4

Jackie

Age: 25

Occupation: Cosmetics Consultant

Hometown: Ormond Beach, FL

REMINDS ME OF… someone who definitely has a back tattoo.

Best Snippet from her bio…

*What is your most embarrassing moment?*

I’m pretty clumsy so I fall a lot.  I had my blood taken once and was blacking out while my mom was taking me back to the car.  Apparently I started screaming and sat down on what I thought was a chair in the waiting room, no chair just an old lady!!!

I’ve read this 26 times and I’m trying to undersand what the being clumsy part has to do with the rest. Are you more clumsy after giving blood? Did the old lady have an insane similarity to waiting room chairs? So many questions.

Likeability Factor: 4

Knox’s Objective Hotness Rating: 6

Kelly

Age: 28

Occupation: Cruise Ship Entertainer

Hometown: Nashville, TN

REMINDS ME OF…TEXAS.

I have to be honest on this one. When I first saw her, I thought she screamed Texas. Like she was more Texan than the flag or obnoxiously-sized belt buckles. But no, she hails from my state AND she’s a Cruise Ship Entertainer. Apparently, Kelly is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle and sprinkled with bronzer.

Best Snippet from her bio…

*Who do you admire most in the world and why?*

Anyone who can live their lives without caring what anyone else thinks. That’s a huge thing I’m working through right now.

Again, just answer the question with SOMETHING. Say the guy from Community who is always yelling “POP POP!” Just don’t do the vague thing. But for what it’s worth, she totally seems like someone who would be preoccupied with what people think.

Likeability Factor: 4

Knox’s Objective Hotness Rating: 5.5

 

 

Katie

Age: 27

Occupation: Yoga Instructor

Hometown: Woodstock, IL

REMINDS ME OF… All I think of when I see her is that she looks like a witch. Like a legit, double double toil and trouble witch. That or she’s involved with the true IRA. I don’t know if it’s the hair or what but something about her just screams ANARCHY.

Best Snippet from her bio…

*Do you mind being the center of attention or do you prefer being more mysterious and why?*

I don’t mind attention being on me but I maintain an air of mystery, I think. I don’t share everything with everyone.

I think calling one’s self mysterious kind of implodes the whole idea of being mysterious right? As a rule, I think anyone who self-identifies themselves is probably wrong. It’s like giving yourself a nickname. You can’t do it. You earn a nickname just like you earn a label. Just because you call yourself something doesn’t mean it’s true.

Likeability Factor: 4

Knox’s Objective Hotness Rating: 5.5