AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH.

It’s here. It’s time. It’s glorious. QUICK DISCLAIMER: My daughter has had the flu, I watched the national championship before this AND I have an abscessed tooth that I’m currently being medicated for. SO if I seem like I have Tourette’s, I basically do but FOR LOVE!

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Coming up on this season of The Bachelor which will seemingly reveal every major plot point and dramatic development over the next 10 weeks…

Essentially, every girl arrives at this central thesis: Sean is the greatest most awesome person in the history of western civilization. ALSO? He is the perfect man for basically everyone, everywhere, all the time. I must say though, I’m STUNNED with the minimal amount of shirtlessness in the montage. I imagined this season taking place exclusively on the space between Sean’s two pec muscles.

OH NO! At one point during the montage, they actually showed a rose falling to the ground!! DOES SOMEONE DIE? OR DO THEY JUST FALL OVER? IS THAT SYMBOLISM? WHAT DOES IT MEAN???

Basically, what we get from the montage is that one of the girls is the worst and Sean doesn’t see it but the others do and want to constantly tell him about it. So crazy. That subplot has never happened on the show ever so I’m super stoked to see it unfold.

And then someone ends up in an ambulance. Lots of things happening.

We start on the show and it’s Sean in a Jeep Wrangler. Listen, I’ve basically not liked any of these Bachelor / Bachelorette people because they’ve been mostly loathesome. But I do like Sean. There’s a genuineness to him that I like. He’s like a stray dog that at first you’re like “GREAT. STRAY DOG. Now I feel responsible for him.” But over time, you get invested in finding him a great home and you start pulling for him. Will there be points where I rip on him MERCILESSLY? Sure, but fundamentally, I like him more than any of the others AND A HUGE AMOUNT MORE THAN JAKE.

We see Sean doing sprints on a golf green or something and lots of quiet contemplation and working out and this is important because all of this is shirtless. Essentially, Sean practices the same sort of philosophy towards shirts that Jacob Black does in Twilight and his patronus would totally be a bench press set. Shirtless will be a theme, you guys. My shorthand for this will be WS, ok?

UGH. Now we have to talk about (Emily) Maynard for some reason. The worst. Maynard is like that long hair you can’t get out of your mouth no matter how hard you try.  Ugh. Look at her. She’s like a camel in how she just sits there and stares through people. Except at least camels are constantly chewing on stuff, right? She just stares. UGH.

Ok, we talk about how Maynard sucks and then about how Sean was at his lowest and NOW his stint on this show will mostly likely resurrect him or something. Essentially, what you need to know is that Maynard is like Bane and she breaks Sean’s back and he’s like JUST KILL ME and she’s like (BANE VOICE) “When your heart is in ashes you have my permission to die,” but now this season will rehabilitate him and get him to the point where he can climb out of that pit where he’s stuck but they still have super clear TV.

Wait, did anyone see Sean’s niece’s massive play / doll house? That’s bigger than my living room.

QUESTION: Is it possible that Sean got too shredded for this season? Like uncomfortable shredded? He looks a little like the Situation did in the last few seasons, like it’s an ordeal to turn his neck to the side.

DURING COMMERCIAL, how am I supposed to feel about the Jessica Simpson Weight Watchers commercials? I’m trying not to be insensitive, but I mean it’s just right there, you know?

Back from commercial, Sean is cutting strawberries and having a man-date with Arie. Words can’t describe my mental state right now. I think time just stopped and the Unintentional Comedy Detector burst into flames. More importantly, I bet Tyler Stanton‘s wife is having to hose him off with one of those water cannons. HEEL, TYLER. HEEL!

This is not awkward (#ItActuallyIs) but I appreciate the show making this happen if nothing else so I can be updated on the state of Arie’s hairstyle.

Arie serves as our proxy in asking Sean some feasible questions about  his execution tonight and it’s mostly stilted and uncomfortable because Arie is like a force of nature with imposing his awkwardness.

The segment isn’t as funny as you would think, but kudos to the show for trying to manufacture some comedy. The effort and intent was this but I think the producers forgot they were working with Sean and Arie.

Rabbit Trail: Let me pitch you a show idea: we update Dukes of Hazzard and star these two and it’s just them going around being super metrosexual and breaking down their hookup techniques. Set it in a fictional town outside LA called Hazard and we can call it Douches of Hazard. Would you or would you not watch that show?

OMG ARIE IS GIVEN KISSING LESSONS. I missed the part where Sean was like, “Hey bro, can you teach me how to seem like a molester when kissing?” Kudos to Arie though for being very meta with his creepiness.

“It was so good to see Arie…not.” Sean, on the inside probably.

Back from commercial and Sean is dressed like a Pallbearer. I guess for someone used to being shirtless, sometimes getting dressed is hard, you guys.

OHHHHHHHHH SNAP. It’s Chris Harrison time. He tells us Sean is SINCERELY ready to find love. I love that because it’s an equivocation that MAYBE past contestants haven’t been SINCERELY ready.

And now, seriously, this may be one of my favorite moments in TV. THE MEET THE GIRLS MONTAGE.

Desiree

She’s a bridal assistant and hits a light with the bouquet. NOT A GREAT SIGN, DESIREE. I like that people call her Des though. Don’t sleep on how attractive a super cool nickname is for a girl.

Tierra

OH EVIDENTLY THIS ONE IS THE DEVIL judging from the Everything Of Consequence That Happens This Season Montage. We know this because the Cross she wears throughout the interview sits sideways the entire time. She wants to have a family because she’s …. HOLY COW LOOK AT THOSE EARRINGS. I feel like Obama needs to have a press conference about those.

Anyways, she is told that Sean is the Bachelor and freaks out like she knows him when she totally doesn’t because she keeps making generic statements about him.

Robyn

Oh great. She’s from Texas and that’s the first thing she has to tell us. ALso she puts post-it notes everywhere because she wants to learn Spanish which is a terrible way to learn a language FYI but more importantly she has TONS of wall space. Is she Peter Quinn from Homeland? PLANT SOME ROOTS, SWEETIE. Less post it notes, more home decor, you know?

Diana

She talks like a hippie and has TWO daughters.

“No one gets married thinking they are going to get divorced.” Kim Kardashian is LOLing at you right now.

Sarah

Sarah is just an average girl working in advertising and she only has one arm. And she’s really leaning into the one arm thing. I don’t know how to feel about all of this because they keep doing CLOSE IN shots on her one arm while the other one does things. It’s like they don’t want to make a big deal out of it but they totally do.

Ashley

She isn’t sure why she is single, she has a cat she’s overly attached too and she is kind of obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey. BREAKING NEWS I THINK I KNOW WHY YOU ARE SINGLE.

Lesley

She’s a political advocate and they really do the political thing. She seems cool though. Kind of sneaky attractive.

Kristy

She’s a model though she doesn’t knock me over with her looks. I think her trainer is more attractive than she is THERE I SAID IT. Also, she kind of has crazy eyes, though not in the classic sense of them going in different directions. It’s more of them being SUPER intense. She shall now be referred to as Krazy Eyes Kristy.

AshLee

She’s a professional organizer and is it a given that she’s OCD or does she need to cover it? Also, she’s a foster child so there’s some baggage there. I like her a lot but if she gets booted it could get UGLY.

Back from commercial and Harrison is just Chris Harrisoning all over the place. Sean arrives and Chris Harrison looks like he may make out with him. Harrison keeps saying that all the girls signed up JUST for Sean, but didn’t they just reveal to that one girl that Sean would be the Bachelor and she freaked?

First limo time…

The aforementioned AshLee is first and it’s a little awkward but no worries.

Jackie

Meets Sean and wants to mark her territory so she pees on him. JK JK she doesn’t pee on him. She just pulls out some super red lipstick and kisses him and then pees on him. JUST KIDDING! There’s no pee, seriously guys stop saying that. Why do people keep saying that she’s about to pee on Sean?

Selma

Pulls out some Kleenex from her cleavage and wipes Sean’s cheek. She looks like Autumn Soprano and sounds like Nasim Pedrad’s impression of Kim Kardashian.

Leslie

This may be the last time she makes it on camera because she acts like an infatuated aunt.

Daniella

She makes Sean do a handshake and it almost fails because she almost palms his junk, but then she redeems it. Very clever.

Kelly

I’m going to assume her face is the result of a tragic bronzing accident. Also? EASY ON THE COUNTRY MUSIC SINGING. The whole state of Tennessee would like to thank you for reinforcing a stereotype. My wife: “She’s so tan it makes me uncomfortable.”

Katie

Is a yoga teacher and teaches Sean a move. That hair is a total situation but I like her.

Ashley

OR AS WE KNOW HER THE GIRL THAT IS OBSESSED WITH 50 SHADES OF GREY.

AND OMG YOU GUYS SHE LED OFF WITH IT. SHE PULLED A TIE OUT OF HER BOOBS and started referencing 50 shades. She’s totally the female version of a LOTR fan who approaches people by speaking Middle Earth. She forces you to get in her world no matter how much you don’t want to.

Taryn

Forgets to tell Sean her name but seems cool.

Catherine

I don’t know. Still can’t peg her. Her voice doesn’t match her everything else.

Robyn

NO ROBYN DON’T DO IT. NO HANDSTANDS IN SPARKLY DRESSES….whelp she did it. And didn’t nail it. It looked like her wrist almost collapsed on itself. You know what they say: Go big or go compound fracture your ulna bone.

Lacey

GUYS. PEOPLE CALL HER LACE SO SHE BROUGHT LACE. UNFORGETTABLE GESTURE.

Paige

Was on the Bachelor Pad 3, blogged about the show and operates a Jumbotron. That’s all you need to know.

Tierra

Doesn’t she just seem like tr… OH NO BACHELOR TATTOO ALERT SOMEONE GET KASEY KAHL. It’s an open heart on her finger and Sean is like “Wait here” and the music is all drama like he may go get Harrison and tell him to drop Tierra from a tall building or something, but I think we are all pretty confident that he’s bringing back a rose. But what if he brought back a python and was like “Fight it to the death. You win, you stay. You lose, you die.” Granted that would be pretty dark, but it would be pretty crazy for it to not be a rose.

Sean is like, “Harrison, I want to give her a rose,” like he needs to get Harrison’s permission. So Harrison is like, “Sure. I literally serve no purpose here and I don’t know why you are asking me but you that sounds good.” Isn’t Harrison like the Queen of England? No one understands what she does, but she has purpose simply because of tradition. AND because they both have fake hair.

So Tierra gets the rose and is pretty clearly a front runner, right?

SHOCK OF THE YEAR: The other girls are NOT thrilled about the rose situation with Tierra.

Amanda

Says something like “Let’s get our awkward pause out of the way” and they do but it feels so much more awkward actually. Like I wanted to leave my living room.

Kerianne

Is a little awkward and seems like someone who would have a dream catcher over her bed. The way she talks sounds like the way Jewel kind of talks in her songs. Not that I’m familiar with her music or anything.

Desiree

Big fan. The way she moves her mouth is a little Selma Blair-ish / Katie Holmes-ish, but I’m a big fan.

Sarah

Can I call her One Arm Sarah? I called Jef One F Jef to be fair so there IS precedent.

Brooke

Listen, there’s just no way this is happening. It would be like Rich from LFO (RIP) doing a guest spot on the next Kanye album.

Diana

She forgets her name too. I feel like everyone is forgetting their name, right?

Lesley

Basically gets Sean to bend over so she could stare at his butt. SAVVY.

Kristy

Krazy Eyes steps out of the car and is annoying and has the face of a 54 year old.

Ashley H.

Is in FULL SEDUCTION MODE.

Lauren

Is like “Hey nice to meet you my dad may break your legs if you break my heart” and it just doesn’t work. How is Sean supposed to respond to that?

Lindsay

Gets out of the car and starts giggling. Also, she is in a wedding dress and appears to be intoxicated.

EXCHANGE OF THE NIGHT

Lindsay: I’ve got balls.

Sean: Well, I hope not.

One last contestant who specifically wanted to meet Sean…..KACIE B.??? From Ben’s season? I really liked her, but recent history has dictated that retreads don’t last long.

THE LADIES ARE NOT UH THRILLED. Because apparently there are rules for this kind of thing and you can only try to find love ONCE.

Selma: He’s my dream man. If I could dream a man up, it would be him.

SEEMED A LITTLE REDUNDANT BUT I’ll ALLOW IT.

Sean: I’m surprised to be here.

Kacie: I’m surprised to be here too.

TRANSLATION: The producers paid me to be here because no one’s Grandma showed up to accompany them and I will inject DRAMA into the proceedings in case no one gets drunk.

Sean sits down with Desiree and I think she’s the best and evidently Sean does too because BAM he roses her. YOU GUYS SEAN IS PLAYING FAST AND LOOSE WITH ROSE LAW. He is flush with roses and is eager to spend them.

I love how consternated everyone is about the rose situation. Like it fundamentally changes the nature of everything. They are literally acting like Sean is passing out pterodactyls to people.

Robyn got a rose? WHAT THE WHAT THE WHAT? Sean she whiffed on the handstand, bro. You can’t bring a girl like that home to your mom. That kind of things stays with people, you know?

Ashley H. is basically trying to consummate the relationship every time they get together and Sean doesn’t seem in to her.

RE: LINDSAY

Is she drunk or is she drunk? Also, she says ballsy a lot and laments that Sean didn’t “get it.” Not sure what she means by “get it” but if she meant that he didn’t get the joke about saying balls a lot then I guess he didn’t, but I definitely did.

“I also brought my rape whistle in case I get in trouble.” – Sean while interacting with Lindsay. THE BEST.

And let’s check on the other contestant who is getting housed, Ashley P. At this point, she is like crash test dummy drunk. Lots of limbs and body parts flailing and…50 SHADES IS DOWN YOU GUYS. She hits the deck on a two stair step and is resigned to just sitting there because she’s just blitzed.

We haven’t had an emotional breakdown yet so Taryn pulls that lever for us and begins to sob over not having enough one-on-one time with Sean. Shouldn’t be alarming that she’s already breaking down though, right?

Also, we spend some time with (One Arm?) Sarah and how she’s super nervous about getting a rose and has there ever been a bigger lock in the history of mankind than Sarah getting a rose?

BOOM and it happened and it basically validated Sarah’s entire life or something.

It’s a huge symbol of love, empowerment and confidence. It’s a dream come true. Sweetie. I wish I could just bake you a batch of cookies full of rainbows and perspective.

Harrison time and he ushers in the Rose Apocalypse. There’s only 7 roses on the table so it’s basically anarchy. It’s like any scene from a dystopian movie when society begins to crumble and people are looting everywhere.

OMG What happened toLacey’s face? It looks like she’s been hit by a volvo. If only there was a contestant with hidden stashes of bronzer to cover up the problem. (Looking right at Kelly)

First rose… Amanda

Second rose…Lesley

Third rose…Kacie. Very interesting.

Fourth rose…Krazy Eyes Kristy

Fifth rose…Daniella

Sixth rose…Taryn

Seventh rose…Lindsay.

HEARTBREAK! We couldn’t have gotten 3 more weeks out of 50 Shades of Grey girl? BOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

The Rejected

Kelly

I’m embarrassed basically because I’m going to be the crazy girl who sang a song on The Bachelor.

My wife – It’s probably more that the skin on your face is Cheeto orange, but whatever.

Everyone is said, Paige is sad but doesn’t seem destroyed. She does have her Jumbotron operating to fall back on, so there’s that. Also, the 50 Shades girl is enthused about finding a guy to foist her 50 Shades fixation on. I think a poster with her likeness and a warning label should be posted at every bar in the continental US, but I like to be thorough.