Coming up on The Bachelor…
Roller Coasters! No Shirts! Giant stuffed animals! Bodies Trembling! Volleyball! Kacie Conspiring! Tierra getting what she wants! AMBULANCES! All of this…FOR LOVE!
Update, we’re already two Shirtless Seans in BTW.
Harrison time! There must be a lot of action going on because they are cutting to Chris quick.
Also, what is Half Arm Sarah wearing? Its like a Spirit Journey but in jacket form. Not judging, but no wait I am, it’s super ugly.
Robyn wanted it to say Let’s Diss these Bitches and Go Find Love which would have been fantastic, I’m not going to lie, but instead it’s Leslie and I’m pretty okay with that. Sean takes Leslie to where ever in a limo and not a helicoper or a helicopter limo or one of those Super SUV limos that turn into a helicopter. Lame, right? Sean is so whitebread.
They show up at a Guiness Book of World Records thing and we know from the super comprehensive coming up montage that they are going to try to either makeout super hard or super long. We don’t know which but we know that it will be subject to Guiness evaluation. Wouldn’t it be great if they tried to break the making out hard record? Like they had sensors and everything?
They show up and Harrison is involved AGAIN with a unbuttoned vest and a homeless looking dude just behind him who looks like he’s going to super enjoy this on an inappropriate level. I think I’ve said this before, but kudos to Sean so far with the dates. He’s using Harrison (always good) the dates are semi-outside the box. He’s getting random vagrants to populate the crowd watching him. Just good over all.
They borrow someone from
Downton Abbey Guiness to read the rules and they get under way. Apparently, 3:16 is the time to beat. Leslie’s hands are a little restless and Harrison is over-enjoying the proceedings.
They basically keep their lips pursed against each other and Harrison spends the time making small talk with all the hot girls in the crowd. He’s all like, ”So…making out, right? Hi, I’m ABC’s Chris Harrison. I keep track of the roses on the show. You’ve probably heard of me. Back to making out…”
They break the record, everyone is super happy and it’s the greatest day of Leslie’s life or something.
Evening date time and we find out that Leslie loved middle school. Big red flag. But she’s playing the family card super hard. Some of these girls have been reading their scouting reports.
Sean says something like he feels like he’s known her forever and she’s like “That’s the best compliment ever” and he literally just stares at her like he’s a customs agent and she has illicit drugs in her anus.
SPOTTED. Sean’s tongue entering Leslie’s mouth. It was like watching one of those ancient Galapagos turtles extend its neck from its shell.
Back at the house and it’s date card time. It’s a group date. Most of the strong personalities and Amanda the Bridge Troll. Should be awesome.
Back to the date and Leslie gets the rose, everything is magical and confetti comes out of no where. Actually I’m sure it had an origin, but I just wasn’t paying attention. I was too busy looking at Sean’s watch, right?
During commercial, does anyone else get creeped out by the guy dancing in the Applebees commercial? He’s so good that it’s intimidating and his stare…like he doesn’t blink and it’s just really intense.
Back from commercial and it’s date time and this one is going to be fantastic because it’s a competition.
Krazy Eyes and Teeth looks like a Burned Out Biker dude. Like she seriously looks like an extra from Sons of Anarchy. The girls scream at Sean to take his shirt off and he’s like “Ok twist my arm” like he hasn’t been training 8 months for this specific moment.
Harrison comes out in a pink shirt and slacks and rallies everyone up. Someone tosses him a Nerf football and my question is this: how many takes did it take to have him catch the ball smoothly like he did? 8 takes? 75 takes? Was it CGI’d? It was CGI’d wasn’t it? The things I would do for that footage. You know there are so many takes with the ball hitting him in the chest and him not getting his hands up in time or one hitting him in his adam’s apple and almost losing consciousness. UGH, the fun we could have.
The girls will be playing Volleyball against each other for time with Sean. Daniella says she’s awful at Volleyball. Can’t say I’m super surprised.
The girls are not, how should I say this, decent in any way at volleyball. It looks about as successful as a barnyard musical out there. Sean says he’s going to feel bad for whoever loses but how about feeling bad for us for having to watch this?
Taryn calls this volleyball game the most important game of her life and this is just another arrow in the quill of really hyperbolic statements she has a habit of making.
Des / Katie Holmes is serving and her team wins and Krazy Eyes / Teeth INSTANTLY starts crying because she’s the worst. There, there Krazy Eyes / Teeth. Maybe if your eyes and teeth weren’t so Krazy, your team could have won? Also, the white bandanna isn’t doing anyone any favors.
The winning group starts hanging with Sean and the losers return home and have to lament about what might have been.
Back at the group date and Lindsay and her necklace that looks like thumbprint cookies tries to talk to Sean. I say try because talking seems to be not her strong suit. In the first episode, I thought she was just nervous and drunk. The next episode, I thought she was medicated, but three times is a trend, you guys. She’s just really bad at talking.
They make out and Lindsay claws the back of Sean’s head like she’s trying to stick her face into his like it’s going to be a nesting doll of heads and faces.
“I never want to stop kissing that man.”
She sounded like Forrest Gump when she said this, DID SHE NOT?
Des gets time with Sean and she still seems like the best.
Date card time and Tierra acts like it’s Ashlee and Selma but it’s not and she’s like LOL JK JK but all the other girls are like NO LOL. NO JK. And I kind of have to side with Tierra here. They don’t get to watch TV or movies. Where’s the entertainment supposed to come from?
Back at the group date and Des asks about everyone’s hopes for the night and the Bridge Troll grunts something about the rose and doing whatever it takes.
Bridge Troll gets time with Sean and she kind of awkwardly speaks about what could happen and this ENRAGES Des for some reason. Which is validated because Bridge Troll, beyond being a Bridge Troll, is also SUPREMELY CONFIDENT. Which is strange.
Kacie B senses some drama and wants to pounce on the opportunity to tattle to Sean about it in hopes that it will drive a wedge between Sean and the principle elements of said drama. Saying this outloud, it sounds like a terrible idea because it’s just generic girl drama. No one is embezzling money or trying to shiv anyone else at this point so it kind of seems like Kackie is overplaying her hand a bit.
OFF-TOPIC: Is Kacie B. sunbathing on the equator?
Kacie B spills the not really serious beans and Sean is like Why are you telling me this again? and Kacie B. gives the AWWW NUGGETS face like she was hoping he wouldn’t ask something like that. Well, he did and she just squenches her eyes at him. OR maybe it’s the caked on makeup causing her face to slowly implode. We’ll never truly know.
After that, it all kind of unravels. Kacie sounds like a political candidate caught in a lie or caught in an answer where they have no idea what is going on. It’s almost priceless.
Thumbprint Necklace Lindsay gets the rose. She tries to talk and it almost works out and all the rest of the girls are like “Rest now, little one. You’ve been brave enough for one day.” Kacie B. is insane with confusion and the Bridge Troll finds some woodland creature to chew on to satiate her anger.
Back from commercial and Ashlee is preparing for her date but more importantly, Tierra bounces down the stairs like a cue ball with big boobs. We don’t know what happened, but I think her 8 trillion bracelets had something to do with it.
Sean walks in and no one is particularly concerned with Tierra and Sean diagnoses her with a concussion. Tierra reiterates that she doesn’t want to get medical attention and that everything is stupid and Half Arm Sarah gives a super cynical look.
Tierra refuses hospital care and turns it in to quality time with Sean and the camera zooms in on his hand always on her hips and Ashlee is PISSED because Tierra is working the game to her advantage.
After this, Sean picks Ashlee up in a Jeep because clearly the helicopter guy must be booked solid. I really like Ashley but she seems a little hard to get to know.
Wait, Sean and Ashlee get an entire amusement park to themselves? I think Maynard and Arie got Dollywood to themselves, but that’s Dollywood, you know? This is Six Flags.
CURVEBALL: They will be accompanied by two girls with chronic illnesses.
I don’t know if I’m getting softer as I get older or if Sean is just a better caliber of human being than past Bachelor / Bachelorettes, but it’s nice to see dates revolve around stuff like this. I’ve always thought some of the charity stuff has been a bit exploitative in the past, and you could certainly say that here, but I don’t know. It just seems more genuine.
To cap the night off, the Eli Young Band serenades them and they play that song I’ve heard but I never knew who played it.
Ashlee really wants to talk about her past and given her past, that’s probably a good thing. She gives Sean all the details and he tears up and you KNOW she was getting the rose, which she definitely gets.
The Eli Young Band starts playing and I didn’t realize they were hanging out in the background the whole time. That must have been awkward for them.
Ashlee starts ugly crying and it’s sweet and all, but it concerns me for her future. She seems super invested at this point, perhaps more than she should be and it makes me think that if she is sent away, it could be bad news.
Back from commercial and we get our obligatory “It’s getting super serious, you guys” moment that lets us know it’s cocktail party time.
Question: what is the story behind Selma’s dress? I can only assume that she had to fashion a dress out of the booth seats of a 50s themed diner.
Sean gets time with Half Arm Sarah and I completely forgot how annoying her voice was. She’s getting flustered because Sean says he has a surprise for her and she’s wondering if she’s going to get sent home and her voice is getting high pitched and turns out the surprise is that Sean brought Leo (Half Arm Sarah’s Dog) in a limo.
After I recover from the blackout brought on by the worstness of seeing Half Arm Sarah squeal in delight and letting her dog french kiss her, I see Sean get time with Tierra (or as I’m considering calling her Faker / Trashier Britney Spears).
Des shows up to steal Sean from Tierra and Tierra wants to bleeping punch some walls.
Tierra THEN steals Sean back. BAD FORM TIERRA! There are unspoken rules to this! Just ask Chris Harrison…oh wait.
This sets off a chain reaction of hostile takeovers.
Krazy Eyes / Teeth imitates girls chasing after Sean like a bleeping bleep of hyenas. I literally spent 30 minutes trying different curse word combinations and couldn’t crack the code. It’s like any Sudoku I’ve ever done.
Kacie B tries to talk her way back into the game, but Sean STONE WALLS her and then they are interrupted and there’s just a general sense of anarchy all around.
Back from commercial, and back at the Bachelor mansion with perpetually wet ground, it’s Rose Ceremony time.
BUT WAIT, Sean stops the ceremony to talk to Kacie AND takes a rose but this doesn’t feel like it’s going to end well. BOOM, Kacie B. go home and she’s oddly cool about it. Like this is how super villains are made calm. Sean explains her ouster to the girls like they care.
First rose, Tierra.
Second rose, Leslie H.
Third rose, Catherine.
Fourth rose, Daniella.
Fifth rose, Robyn.
Sixth rose, Selma.
Seventh rose, Sarah.
Eighth rose, Jackie.
Ninth rose, Bridge Troll.
Tenth rose, Des.
That ends Krazy Eyes / Teeth’s time with us as well as thirty year-old Taryn and guess what? Krazy Eyes’ krazy eyes get MORE krazy when she’s upset. I know. It’s like seeing a pentuple rainbow. Something to truly behold.
Shirtless Seans: 3
Awkward Chris Harrisons: 2