Ok, full disclosure here. Last season, I caught some flak for ripping Maynard as much as I did. People found me distasteful and rude, so I felt compelled to scale back this year. I intended on being a little nicer, a little less vicious and this was made much easier helped because Sean is just a better human than Maynard. So I’ve been forging a new path so to speak.
BUT THEN, I find out people are calling Tierra “Dent-Head” and it’s like all bets are off, aren’t they?
Lastly, remember to check out the Bachelor Recap podcast I do with Jamie Golden from Jamie’s Rabbits too. You can get:
you can check out last week’s episode here.
ALSO ALSO ALSO, remember to subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss an episode.
COMING UP ON THE BACHELOR…
Poker Dealer and Sean! Selma has gigantic buhreastseseseses! ROBYN IS MAKING INNUENDOS ABOUT CHOCOLATE AND TASTING IT MEANING HER LIPS I THINK! Roller derby! One arm Sarah curses! DENTHEAD DRAMA!
Evidentally, Poker Dealer Leslie (Can we call her Snake Eyes Leslie? I’m just really bad at remembering which Leslie is spelled how.) gets a one on one. Ugh.
Also, Selma and her big space boobies get a one-on-one, or is it a two-on-one? NAY IS IT A THREE-ON-ONE? (Her two boobs and her essential self for those scoring at home).
BAM, right off the jump Harrison is in the house with sleeves that are so casually rolled up it’s ridiculous. It’s like he just stopped caring as soon as he thought about rolling sleeves up but he’s such a MAN that he still managed to roll his sleeves up 1.5 lengths because he’s just so much MAN.
SHIRTLESS SEAN ALERT. And he’s in boxer briefs to boot and hold on let me send an EMS to my FOR LOVE: Podcast Recap Partner Jamie Golden because there’s a huge chance of heart failure and/or spontaneous combustament. (Pause) I’m back. The angle that they just did for Sean’s shirtlessness was borderline obscene. Let’s just say, if that camera went to college, it would be majoring in Sean’s undercarriage.
In fact, Jamie and I discussed this on our Bachelor Recap podcast. Watch it here…
Selma gets the one-on-one (can we call her Ugly Ashley Greene?) and Dent Head is not thrilled nor is Snake Eyes Leslie because OMG CAN WE TALK ABOUT HER ADAM’S APPLE FOR A MINUTE. Michael Phelps called and wants that thing back, just whenever.
Sorry, back to Selma. Can we talk about her chest situation? I guess she just hasn’t gotten enough screen time for me to properly know how to contextualize her. It’s like she either just went through puberty over the last two episodes OR M. Night Shyamalan is involved. Not sure which is more likely.
Sean picks up Selma in a limo, not a helicopter, (repeat not a helicopter) and they are going somewhere and Sean has his legs spread so wide it’s almost uncomfortable but then it circles back around to comfortable because it’s that audacious. It’s like he’s about to get a Pap Smear or something.
Selma says something about being 110 lbs and the mathematician in me extrapolates that her boobs are 67% of that weight.
From a limo, they go to a jet and a red carpet and meet up with Turtle, Johnny Drama and Ari and then E catches up with them at the bar later with Sloan. JK JK, but it totally feels like a scene from Entourage does it not?
Selma can’t believe she’s in a jet and I mean a jet is awesome, but she’s acting like they are time traveling to Narnia.
Sean takes her to the desert because re: crotch in the camera, he just doesn’t care.
Back from commercial and we see cactus and some sort of predatory bird, which clearly is a metaphor for Chris Harrison’s sleeves earlier, right? Crap. That’s not right. Clearly it’s foreshadowing that Sean and Selma may actually die from thirst out here with their remains picked upon by various desert critters. The drama is like so high right now.
They jump into a Jeep Wrangler and Selma says she is “legitimately scared” like Sean is going to make her take Shrooms, hand her a compass, a canteen and wish her luck. GUYS, you just flew on a jet here. It’s not like you are the girl from the beginning of Inglorious Basterds and you are running from the Nazis (or as Brad Pitt calls them “Natzeees.” Isn’t Brad Pitt the best? I kind of wish we were all watching a Brad Pitt movie right now instead of listening to Selma whining, but oh well, bad things happen to good people).
Turns out, they are going to Joshua Tree National Park. Sean says that he does this because he wants to take her out of her element, which is fantastic because supposedly she’s a glamour girl. See, THESE are the kind of dates we need to be having. Uncomfortable dates. Dates like spelling bees or Cinnamon Challenges, you guys. Give me one season on the show to manage the date premises and I SWEAR to you the ratings would be THROUGH THE ROOF.
Anyways, they climb up a rock and I’m thinking if I’m Sean, I fake get stuck in a rock, right? THEN I act like my arm is stuck and the only way out is for her to cut it off with a Swiss Army Knife. Wouldn’t there be so much to learn from how quickly or slowly she begins hacking at my arm?
ANYWHO, you are never going to believe this but they eventually make it to the top of the rock and draw all sorts of idiotic conclusions about themselves, their bond and the state of life in general. It’s all magnificiently infuriating.
Back from commercial and it’s time for the night date and it looks like Sean has taken her to a junkyard but TURNS OUT it’s an RV complex or something, but truly it looks like the backyard of any number of my relatives. Hashtag realtalk, you guys.
They are laying on trashy lawn chairs or something and the angle Selma is laying at is really uncomfortable because it’s like Sean has to peer over a ledge to talk to her.
Selma is giving her backstory and she tells us that she’s from Baghdad. I wonder if she knows Sayid from LOST? JK JK I know he was fake, but maybe we’re in the Sideways world and this is part of a continuing finale? NEVER KNOW.
ALSO, during one of her backstory interviews, she’s wearing the same dress she wore at the cocktail party last week and either it is stock footage or that Godforsaken dress is a go-to.
Basically, all you need to know is that her family is SUPER conservative and thus Selma is not thrilled about the idea of tongue-fighting with Sean on TV.
Back at the house and it’s group date time and you guys LOTS of characters on this one. DENT HEAD, HALF ARM, BRIDGE TROLL. It’s like a murderer’s row of terrible people.
Back to Sean and Selma and her boobs. Sean goes in for the kiss and Selma declares jihad on his attempt. Jihad. HEY-OH! Do you get it? It’s because she said she was Muslim at some point. I’ll be here through Saturday.
Sean, when confronted with the paradox of Selma, her boobs, her kissability and her conservative family doesn’t know what to do except chuckle like a meathead because “SEAN BRAIN HURT BUT IN GOOD WAY. ME WANT TO KISS BUT LADY SAY NO NO.”
Also, Selma’s voice is tip-toeing into the danger zone of annoyance. It’s kind of baby talky? I don’t know if she’s SO exhausted from the climb that she can barely speak BUT WAIT HOLD ON WHAT IS THIS BACK OF MUSIC? IS THIS LIVE?
Back from commercial, it’s group date time, meaning Roller Derby time. Bridge Troll tries to figure it out what they’ll be doing but to no avail. Lindsay does too and she…(takes face in hands). Poor, poor Lindsay. On the IQ scale, Forrest Gump peers down at her.
She theorizes that Sean is going to put them in hamster balls and make them run down a hill. Not making that up by the way. What’s best is the totally vacant look she says this with. Here’s a few other scenarios I’m sure can be found on the cutting room floor.
“I think Sean is going to make us dress up like chess pieces and do the Macarena.”
“I think Sean is to make us figure out if butter is a carb.”
“I think Sean is going to make us sit with those sassy Cheezits from the Cheezit commercials when they try to figure out when the Cheezit is ready to be put into a box.”
“I think Sean is going to make us renact Zero Dark Thirty but instead of Osama Bin Laden, we’re hunting Manti Te’o's girlfriend.”
“I think Sean is going to make us count to potato.”
The girls walk-in and deduce that it is indeed roller derby. AshLee is not thrilled.
Insert Half Arm Sarah making a comment about her arm.
Predictably, Lindsay can’t even remotely discern what is happening. She’s freaking out about where the Hamsterballs are and if they will be derbying against regular Hamsters or full-size hamsters.
Bridge Troll plays a short-con and acts like she did a European tour on the US amateur roller derby squad or something and spends most of the warm-up period glowering at the other team. This makes Robyn fall approximately 8,000 times. And really no one can stay standing up. I’m not going to quibble with Sean’s choice here, but after watching the volleyball debacle, we may need to temper our expectations.
Also, Tierra is THRILLED about this because she’s planning on observing prison rules during the competition.
CUE STORY ABOUT SARAH’S ARM SITUATION.
I’m going to tell you guys something right now. It’s something genuine and truthful. Are you ready? I’d rather take a hydrogen peroxide enema than watch this whole subplot with Sarah. I mean that.
ANYWAY, Bridge Troll is talking about how awesome she is but then inconveniently, she BUSTS hard. Double inconveniently, it’s off camera. GUYS, you have a million cameras. How did you miss this? HOW COULD YOU ROB US OF THE SATISFACTION OF SEEING BRIDGETROLL UPENDED? It looks like her chin is hurting, but we don’t know. They think her Jaw might be broken. OMG HOW IS SHE GOING TO CHEW ON WOODLAND FAIRIES NOW?
Sean: Where does it hurt?
Bridgetroll: (Looks up holding her chin gingerly)
SEAN, HEY SEAN, SEAN I THINK IT’S HER CHIN.
Back from commercial and Lindsay is looking for the hamster that did this to Bridgetroll. Sarah is super concerned because she doesn’t want anyone else to have dibs on the disability front.
Sean is having second thoughts on the date so he calls off the competition. Sarah is thrilled because she was worried about getting murdered and Lindsay was happy because she didn’t think she could take a hamster straight up in derby competition.
Sarah: “This was one of the most difficult days of my life.”
SARAH YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BREAK MY JAW.
Evening date time and not sure, but Sarah’s fashion icon seems to be Bjork judging from the skirt she’s wearing.
Back from commercial, Lindsay is trying to impress the girls by saying her ABCs and counting to 15. Good try, Lindz!
UGH THERE IS MORE SARAH STORYLINE.
Is it me or does AshLee look a little like Gisele Bundchen?
Thankfully, Bridgetroll comes back so we don’t have to hear any more from Sarah. Unthankfully though, someone let her pick out a dress while obviously medicated. Bridgetroll! What are you even doing? You look like you dressed yourself in the backdrop of a mid-90′s Nickelodeon show! Was Marc Summers mad when you took parts of the Double Dare set to make your dress? How many paintballs had to die so you could look fly?
Back at the house, Snake Eyes Leslie gets the date and Daniella is pissed and let’s be honest her hair is a looking a little like Jeff Daniels’ hair from Dumb and Dumber. DON’T YOU SHOOT THE MESSANGER.
Back at the group date, super drama because Robyn asks Sarah and AshLee’s opinion on BridgeTroll’s collapse but she doesn’t ask for Tierra’s.
Here’s the exchange:
Robyn: Do you have a problem?
Tierra: You asked for Sarah and AshLee’s opinion but not mine? Rude.
Robyn: Honestly, I still don’t know your name and I didn’t want to call you Dent-head or Trashy Britney Speaks to your face.
Tierra: (uncomfortable silence)
Robyn: Also, you have glittery hula-hoops for earrings. What’s wrong with you?
Tierra freaks out and leaves because, you guys, we didn’t know it, but Tierra has been enduring some torturous circumstances like NO COOL RANCH DORITOS IN THE KITCHEN. UGH, you guys. My heart HURTS for her.
Blah blah blah, Tierra and Sean talk and she stays. Manipulation 101, you guys.
ALSO, Tierra parlays this into getting a rose and the rest of the girls are PURRRRRPLEXED. Lindsay is even perplexed and her brain waves are just basically one perpetual flatline, so that’s saying something.
Back from commercial, Snake Eyes Leslie is gloating about her date and her earrings, but conversely, she is wearing the ugliest house coat to have ever been manufactured by human hands. The convergent powers are so great that they threaten to create a black hole, but luckily they do not.
Sean picks up Leslie in a vest he picked up from the Boyz 2 Men estate sale.
Ok, I’m going to bring this up because she just said “Holy moly, Batman.”
Leslie was or was not just on Happy Endings? I thought I saw her but my wife told me I was crazy. THEN, last week, a reader commented that they noticed her on Happy Endings too. Was she? And if so, what does this mean? Does it make me like her less because she’s clearly fame-whoring OR should I like her more because she was on an awesome show.
Quick update, she just said “Winner, winner chicken dinner.” I’m REALLY hoping Sean is feeling bad about knowing that he’s going to send her home at the end of this date.
Sean gets her nice things and a super diamondy necklace. That’s basically what you need to know.
Back from commercial, Sean is setting the stage that he needs some significant progress with Leslie. Makes me think she may fall a little short.
I don’t know. She’s just boring. The conversation is blah.
Back at the house, Bridgetroll, Selma and Tierra comment indirectly on the possiblity that Sean and her aren’t vibing. ALSO? Tierra is eating again. I’m just waiting for the scene where she’s shotgunning a bag of pork rinds because YOU KNOW that’s how she gets down.
Sean delivers the bad news that she won’t be geting the rose as Snake Eyes Leslie’s face SLOWLY drops and she’s kind of pissed pretty much.
Sean: I really wanted it to be there.
Leslie: You really didn’t feel it?
Ladies, if you have to ask that question, you already have your answer.
Also, they had to do the awkward thing where Sean has to take back all the nice things he gave her.
Cue the dramatic luggage retrieval in 5…4…3…
Turns out Ben Taylor was going to sing for them? A) Who is Ben Taylor? B) Was he singing earlier in the show? He was, wasn’t he? MAN, they milk those appearance fees don’t they?
Ben Taylor sings anyway to an alone Sean because he’s getting paid anyway, right? WAIT WAIT WAIT. The best part is that Sean listens to the entire song and THEN drops the rose and it crashes to the floor. Hold on. Don’t move on. Do you get it? The rose was a total metaphor you guys. It was Sean and Leslie’s love! And it crashed to the ground! And just in case we missed it, they showed the rose colliding with the ground in super slow mo. HASHTAG NUANCE.
Back from commercial…
Half Arm Sarah: “You could definitely sense that there were less girls standing in the room tonight.”
I’m sorry, Sarah, not having an arm doesn’t excuse that kind of stupid comment. The physical occupation of space isn’t a sensory thing. You can just handle that with your eyes, FYI.
Robyn gets some time with Sean and goes heavy on the chocolate double entendres. Actually, I don’t even know if it was a double entendre because I doubt the actual chocolate was an element of the discussion.
More Tierra drama.
You know who I’ve missed this episode? Des and Lesley. Can we call them Desley? Lesiree? Because they are definitely going to the final three. I think I like Lesiree.
Tierra asks to speak to Robyn and Jackie so she can apolog…PSYCH she just wants to passive-aggressively insult them.
Robyn and Dent-head squash their beef and Jackie is like “Yeah me too” and they both look at her like “You don’t even go to this school.”
Back from commercial and Dent-Head gets time with Sean and I’ve officially hit my limit for Dent-Heads and Half-Arms.
Sean and Catherine get time and I just wonder if there’s nothing there? We’ve seen her for 120 seconds total through this season, which makes me think that they are giving us this montage to create the conflict when the last rose is down to her and Daniella.
Rose Ceremony Time!
First rose, Catherine (Boy, was I off).
Second rose, Des.
Third rose, Lindsay.
Fourth rose, Lesley.
Fifth rose, Robyn.
Sixth rose, AshLee.
Seventh rose, Sarah.
Eighth rose, Jackie.
Ninth rose, Daniella.
Chris Harrison, back from last week’s rose hiatus reminds us that it’s the last rose.
Tenth rose, Daniella.
DOWN GOES BRIDGE TROLL. DOWN GOES BRIDGE TROLL.
Harrison acts like 8 girls didn’t get roses, when really it was only Bridge Troll. The topping point was probably the zombie bride lipstick. I was digging the Daisy Buchanan dress, but the lipstick was a situation.