Two episodes in one week. Seriously. GUYS. Why? I need an explanation. 3 hours of television in one week is stretching it a bit. One can only hear so many vague superlatives about how “perfackt” everything is, how “hotttttttt” Sean is and how worst Tierra is. At this point, it’s like watching the origin story for Ursula in the Little Mermaid, is it not? /checks to see if Ursula has a dent in her head (she does not.) While I was checking, I found this.
Who would buy that for their child? Is buying this the new psychopath test because it should be.
ALSO ALSO ALSO, remember to subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss an episode.
COMING UP ON THE BACHELOR…
AIRPLANES! TROLLIES! A BEAR! FIREWORKS! NO SERIOUSLY THAT BEAR I JUST MENTIONED! CONCERTS! SNEAKY TIERRA IN PLAID! MANIACAL TIERRA CACKLING! BAD GIRLS CLUB! EXPLETIVES!
My favorite part of that montage was that they acted like the bear was going to figure prominently in the plot.
Hey did you guys realize this was a two day event? HADN’T HEARD.
Harrison comes in and tells us that things are getting serious. At this point, wouldn’t it be more prudent for him to tell us when things are NOT getting serious? He also informs us that there will be a 2v1 date and that they are going on a world-wide journey and he’s like “I can show you the world / shining, shimmering, splendid / tell me princesses oh when did you last take a ride with a man with hair carpet.” You guys I need to tell you something. He didn’t do that. I misappropriated that song from Aladdin to fit my needs. What is it with me and Disney characters so far?
Country western music and Sean is one of those planes that lands in water because of course he is. They are in Wyoming of all places. I’m no Wyoming scholar, but the state seems mostly bereft of bodies of water, which is why the plane landing in the water was so great. It would be like him rolling up on the girls driving a snow mobile in the Sahara, right? The girls arrive and all of them make various comments about Sean + them + Montana. Also, bugs swirl around Tierra / Denthead most likely because to them, her Denthead is one of the 250 wonders of the bug world.
Date card time and Lindsay gets it. “Let love soar” is what it says and the girls spend 15 minutes explaining that it doesn’t mean like painful sore, but like airborne soar. She wears a top that my wife approves of and BOOM HELICOPTER TIME. AWWWWW YEAH. WATER PLANES AND HELICOPTERS. Iron Man flying them somewhere is totally next.
Lindsay describes things painfully and I bet she totally thinks they are in a different country. They do the picnic thing and it feels like a scene from Brokeback Mountain. Oh, right. I’m the ONLY person who saw that movie?
Back from commercial and they are in the Rec room at the resort with a giant 5 point buck overlooking them.
Lindsay: “I don’t know how I got here.” I know she’s being figurative, but I think I believe her in a tangible sense.
She also describes how her dad was gone during her adolescence. Do people say that like intentionally? It sounded like she was using it in a sentence at Spelling Bee. ALSO, I think I figured out Lindsay’s main issue. Her voice makes her sound between 20 – 60 IQ points less intelligent than she actually is. It’s like part stoner / part someone from The Californians.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, AshLee reads the group the date card and Tierra and Jackie are omitted from the group date meaning that they will be in the 2v1 I guess? But didn’t we just see Tierra in upcoming stuff? This is where the constant promotion of some huge event gets annoying because it invalidates what we are watching. In fact, this episode kind has the feel of just getting through it to get to tomorrow night’s episode where Tierra either breaks a lake of ice, almost dies, or Keyser Soze’s everyone.
Sean and Lindsay walk into a concert in the town square by Sarah Darling? I guess after Ben Taylor fell through they wanted to really nail a concert but sadly I don’t know who this is either. That’s less a commentary on them than it is me but still, weren’t they getting Train and Colbie Caillat in years past?
“He’s really good looking on the eyes.” Such a Lindsay-esque line. This pretty much verifies that she is closely related to Brick Tamland, does it not? Lindsay, would you say that Sean must have gotten that good-lookingness during adolescence?
This date is full of Lindsay and Sean assuring us of the awesome happiness of the date and how perfect everyone is and it feels like they are protesting a bit too much.
Back from commercial and it’s group date time and WE GET IT SEAN, you like hot but outdoorsy.
It’s like an obstacle course of countryish stuff and they split into teams and don’t you think everyone was hoping not to get Half Arm Sarah on their team?
Also, Daniella just turned “Hay” into a 32 syllable word.
GUYS SARAH DOESN’T THINK HER ARM IS GOING TO HOLD HER BACK JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.
Also, I don’t know how to feel about Selma’s hat thing. Part of me admires her going for the genie thing, but then again, this could be seen as immodest by her super rigid but wildly inconsistent parents.
The race begins and you are not going to believe this but no one knows how to canoe.
The next portion is the hay bundle carrying and for some reason Half Arm Sarah is involved in this. Talk about a tactical misstep. Shouldn’t she be drinking the milk?
The red team is milking the goat and it kicks the glass over because Robyn is pulling on that goat nip like it’s a tug of war. Crikey, Robyn, it’s not a rubber band. GOAT NIPPLES HAVE FEELINGS TOO.
The red team wins and the blue team takes the long walk to the child molester van as the winners wash down the Goat milk with champagne. Because Champagne is totally outdoorsy.
Back from commercial and Sean is sad about the blue team getting sent home so he is re-inviting them to the party because they were the cooler team and because he didn’t want to get stuck talking to Half Arm for 45 minutes about something pertaining to the thing that won’t define but anchors every significant conversation she has.
Also, Sarah is now saying “Thank yeooooow.”
Back with the blue team, Tierra makes this about her and wants to write a letter to someone about it with a pencil as if she’s actually literate. I wish we could have seen more of that. It would have been like when monkeys get dressed up like company employees. No offense to the monkeys, of course.
OH NO SELMA JUST WENT THIRD PERSON TWICE!
The tension at the group date is pretty thick. It’s kind of like the Jets and the Sharks.
We see Tierra, I don’t know how else to say it, waddling towards Sean as he does an interview. That’s not a jab, it’s just an observation. Perhaps she’s moving that way because she’s growing tentacles? Remember the Ursula thing I mentioned? That was a reference back…you know what? Nevermind. It wasn’t funny in the first place.
The interviewer is like “Are you anticipating any other surprises tonight?” KNOWING that Denthead is behind him and then she puts her Doritos-dusted hands over Sean’s eyes and you can tell Sean is like “Expletive,” but he has to play it cool because he’s contractually obligated to keep the Denthead around for at least 4 more episodes.
They talk and it is stupid, because we know Denthead stays around so she can almost die in the ice water tomorrow night or something.
Sean gets time with Des and she spends most of it nagging him about changing the rules then AshLee interrupts them and says a bunch of stuff that wouldn’t even make it in a Nicholas Sparks book. I like AshLee, but sometimes she needs to walk out of the Hello Kitty store that occupies her mind.
Harrison delivers the 2v1 card and it is indeed Jackie and Tierra. Again, don’t we know that Jackie goes home by default?
Daniella starts to melt down because she didn’t realize she was going to have to fight for time with Sean. She literally said that. As though she had no concept what the premise of the show was.
They make out and everything is cool again AND Daniella gets the rose so Robyn is about to FREAK because according to the Geneva Convention, NO contestant from a losing team in a reality show competition can receive an early rose, but Sean has already established that he’s above the reality show law so Robyn is just going to have to deal.
2v1 date time. It’s Jackie vs. Tierra and this thing is pretty much over already. Also, Tierra is wearing a shirt with an eagle’s face on it.
Tierra keeps saying how Sean is her husband is laughing like a lunatic. Like the first time it’s like “hahaha bad joke but whatever.” But then she keeps doing it and then laughs like she’s Scarface and she just snorted 4 lines like super quick.
Jackie tattles on Tierra for flirting with another dude at the airport and this is never a good strategy ever.
Time for the evening portion and again we see Tierra eating.
Sean and Tierra get time together and Tierra says, “I’m scared because I have the biggest heart.” And I’m like yeah the biggest fat, black heart, boom Sylvia Plath burn amirite?
Tierra starts telling a story about a former boyfriend in rehab and I’m thinking this is going to be where the Denthead is explained, but alas it is not. And her former boyfriend that was in rehab? HE DEAD.
Theory: Could Tierra’s dent be the last horcrux? Think about it.
Tierra gives him the classic, “I care too much” thing and it works because she gets the rose.
Fireworks go off and it almost makes Tierra cry and this is cross-cut with Jackie ugly-crying into her hands and then Tierra literally laughing like Al Pacino in Scarface again. Seriously, what is going on right now?
Back from commercial and it is cocktail party time.
Des gets time first and her boobs are locked and loaded for tonight BTW.
Cut to the rest of the girls and a bear skin rug. OMG IS THAT THE BEAR FROM THE INTRO? Did they kill him? This is inexplicable. One minute he’s trolling the woods for woodland creatures to eat, the next minute Tierra is getting Doritos crumbs on his beautiful fur. The world is an evil place and bad things regularly happen basically is what I take from this.
Tierra gets mad for some reason, probably because Lesley told Tierra told her to not eat the rug or something.
Tierra wishes she could “beat the tish out of all these bitches,” but she didn’t say tish.
Robyn awkwardly confronts Tierra and Tierra says that the complaints are “pity expletive”. I think she meant petty but NO MATTER because pity and petty mean the same thing JK JK JK THEY DO NOT. ALSO, she says can get engaged whenever she wants evidently as though that is something to truly aspire to. I’ve been married for almost 9 years so apparently getting engaged is like getting a piercing now. THANKS OBAMA.
Tierra kind of reminds me of “The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started A Conversation with At A Party” does she not?
Tierra is in the middle of freaking out when Sean walks by so he wants to get to the bottom of it which naturally means talking to JUST Tierra about it because she is an unbiased party. GOOD PLAN, SEAN.
Tierra says stuff like she shouldn’t have to endure this and she can only take so much and hasn’t this episode been the worst?
Sean goes to Lesley, which is interesting by the way, for clarity on Tierra.
The buzz among the girls is that Sean may take Tierra’s rose but we know FROM THE INFINITE LOOP OF PROMOTIONS that he won’t because she’s supposed to almost die or something tomorrow night.
Back from commercial and it’s rose ceremony time and Harrison has what looks like a snake-skin tie on.
First rose, Selma.
Second rose, Catherine.
Third rose, Lesley.
Fourth rose, AshLee.
Fifth rose, Half Arm.
LAST ROSE YOU GUYS I KNOW THIS BECAUSE HARRISON SAID SO.
Sixth rose, Des.
Everyone hugs Robyn BUT Tierra. Also, he sent Robyn off with a “Best of luck.” Oh well. Maybe she’ll have time to decorate her apartment now.