Can I tell you how dumbfounded I was when I realized that this episode was 2 hours long? I was prepared for one and then halfway through the show, I checked because things were kind of moving slow only to find out that instead of 30 minutes left, I had 90 minutes to go. Do you know how demoralizing that is?
Lastly, remember to check out the Bachelor Recap podcast I do with Jamie Golden from Jamie’s Rabbits too. You can get:
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COMING UP ON THE BACHELOR…
CANADA! ROCK CLIMBING! ICE CASTLE! TENTS! EPITOMES! ELEVATORS! ANTI-BOOTY CALLS! SKIMPY BATHING SUITS! TIERRA AND NON-WATERPROOF MASCARA!
Establishing shot is of Canada and bears. Son of a Tierra are they going to be killing more bears and festooning the lodge with their skins? I can’t take anymore of this.
Sean tells us that he loves Canada (MAJOR red flag btw). What kind of Texan also loves Canada?
Harrison shows up like an apparition but one with hugely exaggerated hand gestures. Is he being puppeteered? This explains so much.
Also? The Canadian Rockies? Is that a thing because they are saying it a lot? Is Tim Horton’s the Canadian Starbucks and if so, why don’t they say that more?
Harrison tells them stuff but he doesn’t really know anything because he’s officially useless.
The hotel is nice and the view is insane which is a major departure from every other place they’ve ever been in every other iteration of this show ever.
Lindsay has the date card and reveals that it is Catherine who gets the date.
Evidently, the date takes place in Narnia and the admission to proceed is two giant hoop earrings. Luckily Catherine has those.
Sean rolls up in a snow bus, not kidding by the way, which is the super most Canadian thing ever. This date will involve playing on a glacier. Not kidding about that either.
SIDENOTE: Does Sean kind of look like young Joe Montana or Albino Joe Montana? I KIND OF THINK HE DOES. Especially when his hair freezes and he looks like the guy from Powder if he grew his hair out.
Back from commercial, and it’s time for the evening date. Sean looks like he’s from a Dicken’s novel and Catherine looks straight from the set of Sixteen Candles. They take a carriage ride to an ice castle with a fire pit inside and it pretty much looks like the White Witches’ den.
Back at the group and it’s time for the group date and Daniella is basically saying she’s a shoo-in for the one-on-one which means she isn’t, A) because she’s banking on it so hard and B) because didn’t we see Sean and Des walking on the side of a mountain in the “coming up” montage?
Catherine is playing the “I’ve been through a lot” card so I’m hoping it isn’t stupid.
Ok, so Catherine saw a girl get crushed by a tree when she was at a camp. It’s a little bit ham-handed way she worked it into the conversation, but I’LL ALLOW IT. I kind of thought she was going to recount the plot to Texas Chainsaw Massacre and then be like “Haha, just kidding” or something and that would have won major points with me. I think I would be impressed with someone who doesn’t have a super traumatic life event in their past, but then again, I guess those people aren’t generally cast on the show.
“Catherine has melted my heart.” – Sean, and he said it with a straight face. I’m serious. Like he didn’t even snicker at all.
Back from commercial and it is group date time.
Sean has planned a leisurely boat ride across the lake and Lesley gets to ride in his boat which bothers AshLee and am I imagining it or is she kind of coming apart at the seams?
“The water is clear and teal.” – Guess who? Rhymes with Mindsay.
Selma is affronted by Lesley socializing with Sean more than rowing and wants her to get eaten by a freshwater Canadian shark and the way she says it just has hints of insanity all over it. She acts like a Cheri Oteri character.
Sean has planned a Polar Bear Ice Express Club jump or something which involves them jumping in the ice water and submerging their entire body and it means they gain Canadian citizenship. I feel like I have most of that correct.
Back from commercial and I think something dramatic is about to happen. I can’t be sure. I only wish they’d shown us upcoming scenes.
The girls all waffle about whether or not to do it and they all end up jumping except for Selma.
They all jump and it seems pretty ok. It looks pretty freaking cold but everyone seems normal. AshLee is looking at it like an instance of personal growth and sure ok, why not?
Tierra meanwhile is acting very strange like she’s hallucinating and seeing all the souls of the people whose blood she’s imbibed to stay young.
She is bundled and carried off by the ginger lifeguard and we head to a dramatic commercial. Let me guess how this plays out: she barely survives and then makes a miraculous recovery when Sean visits her. LATER, all the girls freak out and hate her for it.
Back from commercial and Tierra’s mascara is running wildly and they are hustling her into warmth. In the midst of it all, she croaks at the camera something about spending time with Sean. Because when you are hypothermic, you have the where-with-all to play to the camera.
The girls all return and Tierra is eating a cheeseburger or something similar looking so it’s business as usual. She spends time with Sean and is basically evil.
DURING COMMERCIAL, some dude proposes to his girl in a Kay Jewelers. Probably not the best idea for you single guys out there.
Back from commercial and it’s the evening portion of the group date and everyone is thrilled that Tierra is gone. Lesley and Sean get time and she bares her soul and she’s basically awesome.
Half-Arm has a “surprise” and it’s old pictures of her and it’s kind of awkward because she doesn’t have a lot of pictures and Sean treats her like someone treats a cat when the cat brings a dead bird to the front porch. This feels like a last ditch effort and it’s kind of more depressing than the guy who’s writing the letters in the song “Stan”.
Back at the house, Tierra is overcoming her frostbite to brave onward to the group date. Side-note, her eyebrow is arching like really hard.
Lindsay and Daniella swap theories about Tierra and it’s like watching two dogs trying to explain how a mirror works.
Tierra shows up, a few expletives are dropped, then silence. Then someone says “Are you feel better?”
Lesley has the line of the millenium: “Watch your backs guys, we have a tierraist on the loose.” Isn’t she the best?
Lindsay thinks that Tierra is too young to get married and have a family which is strange because isn’t Lindsay like 17?
Speaking of which, Lindsay gets time with Sean and chooses to use it by making out with him. Well, at least she’s playing to her strength.
Lesley gets the rose and Tierra is STUNNED. I think Lesley is too.
Back from commercial, Sean isn’t feeling it with a girl and intends on telling her and it feels like this has to be Sarah, right? Those pictures were a complete misplay.
It IS Sarah.
Sean struggles through explaining to the girl with a half-arm why he won’t be keeping her around any longer. I’m wondering just how ugly her rejection exit is going to be. I say on a scale from 1-10, it’s going to be Rosie O’Donnell.
Looks like it’s going to be a slow burn. It’s going to be one of those super long, slow-burning fuses that you see in the movies and it will end with a giant sobbing explosion.
Back from commercial and more bears GUH WHY ARE YOU TORTUING ME ABC? Are bears the only animals in Canada?
Des thinks today is really important and I wasn’t really paying attention because Daniella is looking progressively rougher. It feels like we are watching a progression of Meth pictures.
The premise of Des’s date is that they will be ascending a mountain to get to their picnic and we’ve seen this trope about a trillion times on the show. Des will be scared but she’ll make it and the entire experience will be a misconstrued metaphor.
The only mildly entertaining part is when they climb a tree and yell something about Canada and TOTALLY piss off a elk/deer that is being all leisurely in a nearby stream. You can tell the elk/deer is startled by the yelling and then is like “TOURISTS.”
Back from commercial and they will be having their evening date in a teepee decorated with tons of dreamcatchers. Like so many dreamcatchers. Like you guys need to look at how many dreamcatchers are in this teepee because it is kind of blowing my mind right now.
Sidenote: what’s happening with Des’s bangs?
Double Sidenote? She lived in a tent for four months? I’m glad Sean is pushing this issue because it’s pretty bizarre a) just in general and b) in how cavalier Des is about it because what of the odds of her living in a tent and now being courted in a TeePee on a ridiculous reality show about love? That can’t be a coincidence, right?
Blah blah blah, I stop paying attention until I see their silhouette making out and I hear Des saying something like ”I opened up about living some of my life in a tent, and here I am, falling in love in a teepee.” Like those were actual words that were said but a real human.
Back from commercial and it is cocktail party time AKA Selma’s buhreasteseses time. They are ample and in our faces, but in a super conservative, familially conservative way. Selma refers to them as the “big guns”.
Selma chalks it up to courage that she wants to kiss Sean and how brave she is for wanting to do it and that’s a bit of a watered down commodity on this show. RIP SELMA’S STANCE ON KISSING: Two episodes.
Lindsay gets time with Sean and promises not to kiss him and Sean is like, “Well what else could we possibly do?” Lindsay talks like she’s reading words off a cue card.
Lindsay reveals that she sleeps naked.
Sean reveals that he’s comfortable with Lindsay and feels like he can tell her anything even though 85% of the time we see them together is spent with Sean’s tongue in her mouth. Maybe Sean likes to speak in tongues. Do you get it? Did you get that joke? Good times.
AshLee is up next and she’s coming in too hard with these metaphorical games about trustfalls and blindfolds or something? AshLee. Look. This is the makeout round. The metaphorical gestures are for the opening and closing rounds.
Sean is carrying her around and…is she crying? Oh boy. There’s high maintenance, there’s insane maintenance and then there’s AshLee right now.
Back from commercial and it is Rose Ceremony time. Two girls are going home. The smart money is on Daniella and Selma, right?
First rose, Lindsay.
Second rose, AshLee.
LAST ROSE BECAUSE HARRISON SAYS SO.
Third rose, Tierra.
Daniella, you never got a date so that should have been pretty obvious. Selma, you shouldn’t have sold out your hard-earned conservatism.