Guys. It’s the Sex Audition episode. But this year it’s with a twist because Sean is a virgin, SO what are they going to do? INTRIGUE! In reality though, this episode is usually the worst because it’s devoted to everyone deepening their relationships with each other and the major problem here is that most of the people on the show are just handicapped in terms of rational, logical thoughts about relationships, so it ends up looking like taking a group of nursing home patients to a discotheque.
Today’s podcast will be up later this afternoon, but make sure to check out last week’s podcast.
UPDATE: The podcast recap for this episode is HERE.
Also, we posted a podcast on Sunday night’s The Walking Dead Episode earlier today and last week, we posted an episode where we rebooted Full House for modern audiences.
Check those out and don’t forget to subscribe to never miss another one.
COMING UP ON THE BACHELOR!
QUEEN OF THE WORLD! HYPERBOLIC PROCLAMATIONS! MONKEYS! ASHLEE BEING EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE AS PER USUAL! LINDSAY STRUGGLING WITH WORDS! CATHERINE JUST BEING AWESOME!
Eastern music, you guys! That means we are in Thailand. But not just that, we’re specifically in the south of Thailand. Like they make it a big point to say that as though it means something specific to me like the South of Thailand is to New York what North of Thailand is to Pride Rock after Scar strips it bare.
It’s like, I’m sorry guys. I’m still emotionally recovering from Des being gone to familiarize myself with the Thai cultural landscape. All I know about Thailand is that Jack went there in a super weird episode of LOST. Maybe this episode will build around that? Sean calls the South of Thailand water blue but it looks green to me, but hey whatever.
Also it sounds like Sean mispronounces Catherine in the intro, but no worries. That probably isn’t foreshadowing…OR IS IT? Do you think that ever happens? It would stand to reason that with as many girls and as little time as they have together that Sean would invariably call AshLee, Lindsay or vice versa. What I would give for the footage of that and the apocalyptic drama that would occur immediately after.
Sean is working the bright colors and just kicking it in front of water fountains and lounging on a hammock and this is important because in this highly choreographed and posed montage, we get a sense of who Sean is when no one is looking, you guys. It’s like, if a tree falls in the forest, what kind of man is Sean? The kind who can pull off pastel tank tops.
Sean starts talking about Catherine and I think this is the part where they show us 25 minutes of footage we’ve already seen.
UGH IT IS.
Sean talks about AshLee next and talks about how AshLee has all these great qualities and I’m wondering if he’s counting the incessant proclamatory screaming OR the emotional suffocation among these qualities.
Sean says that he and AshLee specifically share the same kind of expectations in terms of their marriage and kids and future. I’m assuming they both want good futures? I don’t know that a ton of people differ wildly on these counts, though right?
Now he’s talking about Lindsay and how she doesn’t have the depth or maturity Sean is looking for, which is basically him saying that it’s a physical thing, but wouldn’t it be fantastic if he just laid it out like that? If he was like, “Lindsay and I could not be more different. Talking to her is like talking to a stryofoam plate. But we’re just two cats who know how to meow and when we’re together, it’s fancy feast.” If he did that, I would submit a write-in vote on his behalf to oppose the Democratic ticket of Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama’s tragic bangs.
Sean says that Lindsay seems like someone who never has a bad day. I agree. Also, for some reason, the phrase ‘blissfully ignorant’ is leaping into my mind.
Back from commercial and Sean is going on a date with Lindsay and it sounds like he is going to emotionally stress test her.
Also, Lindsay seems to have the chest cannons locked and loaded for today. Her military background is clearly coming into play here. She is focus and her weaponry is ready for deployment.
Looks like another market date where they patronize the locals.
Guys, in case you were wondering, Thailand is apparently nothing like Missouri. I was really wondering that but I’m glad Lindsay covered that and cleared it up once and for all. It’s been such a national news item but I’m glad she definitively answered that question, you know?
Also Sean is emotionally manipulating Lindsay into eating bugs and SHE IS NO MATCH FOR HIS PERSUASIONARY SKILLS. I fervently believe that he could have asked her to eat a small Thai villager and she would have done it. Also, they kiss afterwards which is pretty disgusting because you have to think about all the bug particles still moving around in each of their mouths.
Sean and Lindsay sit on a beach and genuflect on the date they just had and the conversation they are currently having. I love the parts on the show when this happens, which is basically all of it, because it’s super not like real life. In real life, you have outside events making you pay attention to those things so that 95% of what you talk about wouldn’t sound like watered down dialogue from Pretty Little Liars.
Sean and Lindsay hang out with monkeys and makeout in the waves. Just read that again and again and what you are imagining is probably better than how it actually went down.
“I’m terrified because I realize that I’m going to have to actually use my words to express myself instead of jamming my tongue down his throat which has been my winning formula since the first episode.” – Lindsay, basically.
Back from commercial, Sean and Lindsay are eating outside in front of what looks like a particularly ornate Chinese buffet.
“There’s beautiful flowers made out of petals on the grass.” I feel like her words are an optical illusion on my brain. It seems like I should be able to derive some sense of logic out of what she said, but I just can’t. And the more I listen, the more unhinged I get from reality.
Also, Lindsay is bringing the heat with her outfits today. I’ll say this for Lindsay, IQ-wise, the jury is probably out on her but she keeps it basic and plays to her strengths. There’s a genius in simplicity. Maybe Lindsay is a reality / dating show savant. Have we considered this?
Lindsay complains that when she tries to tell Sean that she loves him, she just gets tongue-tied. I kind of want to hear this now because I assumed she was in a perpetual state of tongue-tiedness. If that hasn’t been the case, what does she sound like when she actual is tongue-tied? Does it sound like the goat from the Doritos commercial screaming about needing more chips. I BET IT IS.
Right when Lindsay is rambling on in a super convoluted description of her feelings for him, a big choreographed Thai performance happens and interrupts her. Sean hands her the fantasy suite card and she reads it and I wonder how many takes it took for her to power through it. Or do you think they edited it together with her just saying one word? Also, my favorite part is how Chris Harrison personally writes the card. Isn’t that just the best? He misses entire episodes, but he ALWAYS makes sure to write that note to the contestant. So great. Maybe that’s where he is most of the time -writing those notes. Crafting them to be perfectly bland and informative.
They go to the fantasy suite and it’s super awkward because Lindsay is trying to tell Sean the she loves him but it feels like she’s trying to explain how the D is silent in Django but yet it’s stil there. “It’s there, but you just don’t say it. You just skip it. But it’s like why is it even there?”
Doesn’t Lindsay seem like someone who has strongly considered getting some kind of YOLO tattoo at some point? I say yes.
She finally says it and we’re supposed to act like it’s this huge thing because she said it and this huge sweeping music plays.
Back from commercial and this episode feels like it’s never going to end.
It’s the AshLee date and she has some kind of word necklace which I’m dying to find out what it says. The early money is on “Miss Independent”. OR, maybe it’s “Miss Understood” because it could go both ways? I’m probably over thinking it.
AshLee just rips off stupid line after stupid line. It’s like a sound board of the dumbest things you ever heard. I like AshLee. I genuinely do. And I don’t blame her for this episode because LITERALLY nothing happens but they have to fill 2 hours. But she just needs to pump the breaks on all the talking. Maybe she should color Sean a picture of all her emotions or something. I don’t know. I just know that if I listen to her anymore, I’m going to jump in front of the next Russian meteor to fly into the atmosphere.
Things like “Sean is the true love of my life, probably.”
Sean is stress-testing Ashlee by swimming her through a cave and somehow this correlates to her abandonment issues as though Sean is going to ditch her in the caves? I don’t understand. AMERICA IS WATCHING, ASHLEE. Sean isn’t abandoning you now. If anything, it will be after you badger him about his closet integrity and not color coordinating his tank tops Worst case though, can’t she just float on her back and let those fake boobs keep her afloat? I’m sorry, her breasts are such a sudden and unforeseen event that I’m legit flustered.
Sean does nothing to help her issues out because he navigates aimlessly through the dark and doesn’t this feel ripe for a stupid metap…OH WAIT NEVERMIND. THERE IT IS.
“LIFE IS LIKE A DARK CAVE, YOU GUYS. You never know what you are going to get and you might get abandoned.” – AshLee’s conclusion, basically.
Because AshLee managed to hang on to a floaty, it changed her life and affirmed everything she needed to know about life, love, other mysteries and Thailand.
Back from commercial, they eat dinner in a shanty on the beach and AshLee is stressing about the sex audition.
But no worries because they talk about how awesome the other is and AshLee keeps saying “Er muh Gaw…Thank yeewww.” She almost borrows Half Arm’s disembodied voice for a second and I get a cold chill thinking about having to watch her on my television.
The Fantasy Suite card is delivered and Sean wants to put her at ease by explaining his intentions which he doesn’t do whatsoever. It actually gets more unclear. AshLee then clarifies that she doesn’t want to do a sex audition and Sean is like, “Yes. Totally.”
This episode is basically the worst, but the tweets they are showing at the bottom of the screen are the hammer in the coffin of my confidence in the human race. Billy Bush just commented. Billy Bush, guys. Like not in a self-aware way. Like in a super invested way.
Back from commercial and it’s Catherine’s date and they take a ride on what looks like a Barbie pirate ship.
They talk about stuff that is just super boring but then they get to how pissed Catherine is with her sisters for actively trying to sabotage her hometown. She alludes to how she doesn’t talk to them about anything (instead she talks to her close friends) and how there may be some jealousy issues. No doy. But, this was excellent because Catherine got to trash-talk her sisters on national TV after they’d tried to sabotage her last week, which felt like justice to me. YOUR MOVE, CATHERINE’S TERRIBLE SISTERS.
Also, you know they are sitting at home right now thinking “We should have been more like Des’s brother. Why didn’t we go farther?”
After that, Catherine nails a backflip off the boat and they basically make out for the rest of the trip. Sean’s tortoise head tongue actually gets more one-on-one time with Catherine than Sean the person does.
Back from commercial and we get this lengthy preamble to the fantasy suite and i love that, culturally, we’ve all come to understand that the fantasy suite is code for sex audition. It’s become so fully realized that everyone is consciously aware of it and posturing because of it. No one wants to rush in anymore because it’s such an understood thing. I think this fact alone ruins any kind of perception we can draw by the decisions regarding the fantasy suite because it’s like people now saying they don’t like Nickelback. It doesn’t mean they have good taste in music. It just means that they are aware.
Catherine and Sean talk and Catherine says the word ‘visceral’ and there’s virtually no chance that the word ‘visceral’ has ever been used on this show before nor will it ever be after. We just witnessed history, friends.
HARRISON TIME! Holy cow! This guy is working overtime tonight. He’s writing notes AND showing up before the rose ceremony. So disorienting.
Back from commercial and Sean already knows who is going home.
Can someone explain Harrison’s watch to me? For that matter, can someone explain the entire Scarface thing? Doesn’t Harrison seem like the kind of guy who would have theme parties for his birthdays but totally go all out for it, like almost uncomfortably so?
Sean is talking about who he is going to be sending home and it feels like its AshLee because he’s so hesitant about it and I think this is because he knows what kind of emotional hellstorm this is going to be.
Sean is now prepping to watch the video sessions from each of the girls. I hope they made the girls film their own sessions because you know Lindsay’s would be a tour de force of incompetence. The entire thing could be in one of those filters where her face looks distorted, it could be upside down, it could be butt-dialed…nothing is off the table.
I think the fact that Catherine is such a good communicator has led to her advancement on the show because listening to her is like listening to a debate between an average human, a really intelligent dog and a gerbil.
AshLee can barely get through her video because she’s super unstable and this makes Sean really think about what to do because no one wants to be responsible for another person’s emotional demise.
AshLee must be aware of her vulnerability because she shows up to the cocktail party in a dress where it’s like AshLee attached to a dress made of super-augmented breasts. It’s like she’s an alien and her home planet is Breasteses and like the universe, her boobs are constantly expanding.
Harrison sets the tense mood and then leaves. The big question: with only two roses, does Harrison interrupt Sean after one rose? I say yes.
Sean opens up about how he was kicked off in this round by Emily and Lindsay legit looks like she’s just now finding out that Sean has been on the show before.
The music turns to dramatic and Sean picks up the first rose and Lindsay inexplicably curses “Holy S***”. Fantastic. I officially love Lindsay. She’s gloriously vacant intellectually and I love her for it.
It’s AshLee isn’t it? If it is, what is she going to do? She might rip Sean’s throat out OR she could combust. Or she could pull out a remote and press a button and destroy all of Thailand. I’m so uncomfortable right now.
First rose, Lindsay.
Last rose, (Sean draws it out for infinity minutes). Catherine!
THE FBI AND HOMELAND SECURITY HAS ISSUED AN ASHLEE WARNING. DO NOT LOCK EYES. DO NOT APPROACH. STAY IN YOUR HOMES.
AshLee storms off like a boss and Sean follows her but she’s like “LEAVE ME BE.” I wish I could explain her face to you. I wish I could do it justice. I think I’ve said this before, but I mean it now more than ever. This is how super villains are made. AshLee looks like she might murder the entire Eastern Hemisphere. He tries to explain but she stares at him like a SUPER pissed off Doberman who is not considering if it should maul his face off, but just how to most violently maul Sean’s face off. I honestly think the episode is going to end with her picking up the breakup limo and destroying Sean with it. I feel like I’m about to watch the Edward Norton curbstomp scene from American History X.
Instead, she just leaves, but it may be to go find a flamethrower so that she can burn down the resort where Sean is staying.
ICE COLD. She tells us that this wasn’t a game to her and she doesn’t shed a tear because it feels like this is a Kill Bill moment and she’s trying to figure out how to murder everyone.
I can’t say enough how stunned I am with AshLee’s exit. This changes my entire perception of her. I always thought of her as kind of a wounded deer but now I’m just terrified for Sean. I don’t think he’ll ever sleep with both eyes closed again.
Now the tears. She says her heart feels heavy but I think that’s really just her gigantic boobs.